A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Well last nights night out was a disaster from start to....well it never really started....lol

I drove me and my mate to the pictures then we were gonna come back and go out and hit the town..... I had intended to go to the cashline at the cinema, so we set off in just enough time to get there for the start of the film. I was standing at the cashline, looking in my purse thinking ..."thank-god, nobody is standing behind me wathcing this!!!"

I had forgotton my cashline card and had no other money in my purse and i was supposed to be subbing my mate so she never had any money either.....lol...bt thats not all

I was gonna put petrol in the car before we drove back, but having no money I couldnt do that either. I was panicking all the way back because i knew there was not a lot of petrol left (my gauge is broken so i have to go on guess work)

Somehow we managed to get back....the car stuttered the last couple of miles home and cut out right outside my door

lol....what a start to a night out!!!!!

gggggggrrrrrrrrrrrr....have i mentioned before how much i hate small town mentality!!!

I live in a small town and they are all mental!!!!

Trivia last night was a blast...I enjoyed it much more than I did last week - I think because I wasn't so nervous at it being my first time I could relax and enjoy it even more. I am going out to a birthday party tonight so once I am ready I will take the winners pics and post them if I have time....if not i will post them when i get back....sorry bout the delay!!

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog

Ok so there i was in chat last night, everybody else had gone to bed leaving me alone in the dark sitting here. I was giggling away at the convos that were going on in the room. Next thing i saw was this huge black hairy spider about and inch and a half long in body crawl right onto my monitor and sat there.....i swear i could see this monsters balls...lol.
I just about did a back flip off my seat with the fright i got....so i grabbed a can of fly spray and proceeded to empty half the tin onto this xxxxx, it crawled away up the wall and seemed to be unaffected by the stuff i had just sprayed on it, then it seemed to be staggering along the ceiling.....thats when i realised that the worst possible thing was gonna happen....by this time everybody in chat was asking if i was ok......lol.....NO!!! i told them but couldnt really say what was happening because i was too busy watching what this monster was gonna do next, so after crawling halfway around the ceiling it fell and landed on the floor right next to my escape route from the room...(the door not the window...although i have escaped thru that window before, being in a flat this is not a good idea but thats another story..lol).
If there is one thing i hate more than a spider on the wall or on my monitor then its a spider on the floor....eeeeewwwwwww. so there i was standing on my chair, screaming the house down quite hysterically by now and this thing just crawled away.....

So now i know he is in here somewhere and probably still on the floor coz he knows (believe me he knows!!!) how much this is freaking me out. I am sitting here with my feet up on the chair and everytime i leave the room i do so by pulling myself along the wall on the chair till i somehow manage to open the door and get my chair around it then jump into the hallway.

lol....and i cant believe nobody woke up last night to help me in my hour of need!!!!

Well this has been a very funny night so far....my daughter just got the bottle to tell her dad over the phone that he is on his last chance and if he lets her down again she doesnt want to see him again, so having done that and being really chuffed with herself for finally standing up to him...his mum phoned to speak to them so she told her gran what she had said....thinking she would like a bit of privacy i let her go into my room to speak on the phone....

A few minutes later i walked in and she was sitting on my bed grinning from ear to ear at me while still talking on the phone....I pulled a face at her wondering what she was smiling at - so she points behind me and started killing herself laughing

OMFG.... i turned around to be faced by my dildo which i had left standing on my dressing table earlier and forgot to put away..... how fucking embarassed was i then!!!!

What could I say?? What did i say??? lol....
she asked what it was and i told her that she knew.....she giggled and nodded
I told her that her mum was not as old as she thought I was...
her mum still liked having fun.....
NO she was not getting one
and she had better not tell all her friends....

She has spent the whole night since giggling at me!!!

lol

Mum Im bored....mum, she wont share that with me...mum can i get a pound so i can go to the shop....mum, they are chasing us...mum..mum...mum...mum

FUCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY.....

lol...when i was a kid I dont remember being like this...we used to go out and play all day, we didnt go home for lunch, or run in every 2 minutes...

its like one of those emails you get about kids today...no mobiles...we survived...no internet...we survived...

what did we do all day? We climbed up trees, played in the river, played on building sites, played games outside which actually required a bit of imagination...and boy did we have such fun when we did it... lol..now i sound like my gran..."all we had was a stick and a hoop and we played all day!!!" heeheee

My point is that when i look out of my window on a sunny day, I expect to see kids outside playing!! It is the summer holidays after all, but I can hardly believe that i cant even see one kid outside playing. I loved my childhood and had a great, stable and fun upbringing and try to give my kids the same thing.
BUT when i tell them its a nice day outside go out and play...then you would honestly think i was punishing them!!!

I just don't get it!!! Maybe im just OLD now...[img]http://www.industreal.spb.ru/smiles/lady.gif[/img]