zzubzzub's Blog
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Thursday, February 23, 2006, 3:39:30 PM- Joke time | ||||||
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit. He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts. Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!" Impossible to Please A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." Last Day on the Job It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." Ok and one last one for the ladies! How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals." How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two. If you slice them very thinly. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions. What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion. What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch! What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes. What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game. What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer. What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? Sex. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? Telling you his real name. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes. What's the best way to kill a man? Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted a several times. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..." What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs. Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece. Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing. Why do little boys whine? Because they are practicing to be men. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. | ||||||
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Wednesday, February 22, 2006, 5:00:52 PM- Short Story | ||||||
Well we all have to start sharing somewhere along the line, let me know what you think? A story which has probably been told a thousand times with slight variations, but obviously does happen! Sometimes when I was a lot younger I would masturbate on the bus as I use to have to make a thirty mile trip about once a week. One time whilst sitting in the last row of the bus, my mind started wandering (as it frequently does when you are a teenager) and I felt the familiar stirrings in my loins as my cock started to get hard. The bus was empty save a few old couples sitting near the front and a young girl about 3 rows in front of me. I had on loose jogging bottoms and a long coat which allowed me plenty of room to play, but at the same time remain covered! I eased my hand down the front of my trousers and wrapped my hand round my now full erect cock and slowly started to move my hand up and down. Resting my forehead on the seat in front, I slipped into my own little fantasy world. After about 5 mins I was really getting into it and my breathing had become heavier, and I had let out a few low gasps as things became hotter. One was rather a little too loud so I quickly looked up to see if anyone had heard me. The girl, around my age, sitting on the opposite side of the bus 3 rows in front of me must have heard one of my moans, because she turned around, got up and came and sat on the back row with me, but the opposite end. Not sure of what to do I quickly removed my hand and stared out of the window. As I did this I heard the girl let out a quiet little moan herself “Aaawww please don’t stop”. “Sorry” I said “did you say something?” “Don’t stop doing it, my boyfriend won’t let me watch him and I’ve always wondered what its like, here I’ll do it with you if you like?” With that she placed one foot up onto the seat and slowly pulled her skirt up and parted her legs. Sitting on the back row was great because the seats in front of you covered anything that went on! Well now as you can probably guess I didn’t need too much more encouragement, and my hand went straight back down my trouser’s. “I want to see it properly please” she said as she parted her legs further to show me her lovely pink shaven pussy, which already had a slight glisten to it. I turned to face her opened my coat and tucked my balls under the waist band of my trousers, allowing my hard cock the freedom of the air. Her middle finger gently started to rub up and down her slit, her eyes staring intently on my cock. I got back to work on myself, moving my hand up and down the whole length of my shaft. Very quickly she starred straight at me and bit her bottom lip as she came. Well that just about took me over the edge, but she then did something I hadn’t expected. Getting up she quickly shifted across the back seat, kneeling in the foot well in front of me she pulled her jumper up and exposed her large milky white breasts, topped with hard pink nipples. “On my titties please”. Well there was no stopping me now I had reached that point when you wouldn’t have cared who was watching! She tucked her jumper under her chin, held a breast in each hand and pulled on her nipples. Two more strokes and I shot my cum all over her offerings. Well not quite all of it, as she watch the cum spurting out of my cock she squealed a bit which meant she had her mouth open hehehe…yep you guessed I could resist the opportunity! The last few squirts went straight into the back of her throat, followed by my cock. This didn’t really seem to bother her too much, as she closed her lips around it and drained the rest out of me. Licking her lips and pulling her jumper down (with my cum still over her titties) she got up, kissed me and returned to her seat. A minute later the bus pulled up at her stop and she got off. I watched out of the window as she turned and winked. I did that journey for a couple of more years but never saw her again, but she was always a good source of fantasy material when I sat on that back seat. | ||||||
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