Now that my sexuality has found out of baby-inducted hibernation again, I see that it cannot be the same again.
I used to be so wild and careless, I could let myself go and fall into a dark pit of bottomless lust. The centre of my being was deep in my abdomen, my pussy was the entrance to this realm of pleasure and lust. When a suitable situation presented itself, and it happened often and without warning that I felt the pull deep inside me, a wave of heat warmed me from below and made my glands transpire moistness in abundance. Then my knees became unstable and I had to grab my object of desire and hold to it. And my mind went out of work and my desires took over and I lost myself completely to whoever was present - one man usually, but not often the same man twice, but also a room full of people in the club. Or Maria. And when I came to myself some time later, maybe hours, there was such a deep feeling of satisfaction that I thought I could fly, in spite of my bruised and cum-covered body. And I had some peace until the situation arose again, minutes or hours or days later. I needed it like food, nourishment for my desires, and it was like a meal - if there is no sex without love, then I loved many people for a while, but no-one in particular.
And now? What is the sexuality of a married mother? First and foremost, a mother is a being that always listens for suspicious sounds, day and night, even during sleep. And also when having sex. The baby is never far, it has become the new centre of my being, my deepest love. Naturally my body has desires, but they can wait. And when, for the time of an orgasm, I am all concentrated on myself, I wake up from it with some guilty conscience and listen doubly to make sure that all is fine and nothing amiss. I cannot let myself fall any more and leave my mind behind, it is all needed for my vigil and my perpetual care.
Even when I am typing here, I am listing into next door, and before Phillip throws me backwards over the kitchen table and when he helps from it shortly afterwards, we hold to each other for a moment and are quiet - and listen together.
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