Hi all
Saw C today at work. Had an area meeting then went out for "Christmas meal".
I honestly didn't know what to expect and I go hardly any sleep last night. She seemed fine, which I kinda expected, but I had no idea what was going on inside. I know that in the past she has put a front on so it's hard to tell how she really is unless I talk to her, which is exactly what I didn't want to do.
I did get a hug off her and she said she missed me when she first saw me. I didn't say anything. She sat opposite me as well when she normally tries to get a seat next to me.
I didn't make eye contact and only spoke to her when we were discussing things that had happened at work. But when I did look at her she was laughing and joking with the guy sitting next to her. I felt so totally rejected but I knew it the jealousy that was getting to me. I can't expect her not to be herself, which is flirty and playful, just because of me so I tried to rationalize everything or try not to think about it at all.
I failed on both counts.
The meal afterwards was pretty much the same. I didn't sit near her and she was laughing and joking with the people around her.
I put a face on. Tried to be my usually self, telling jokes, being a clown, trying to make people laugh, trying to keep a smiling "everything is fine with me" face on. I felt like such a fake, I felt so alone and just wanted out. I didn't want to be there at all. Just seeing C ripped my heart to pieces and there was nothing I could do about it. There were a few moments where I just gritted my teeth, just trying not to cry or well up.
We did have a bit of chat after the meal. She said I was being quite and I didn't really say anything. I got another long hard hug off her. They are double edged swords, I love the hugs but they also scar me.
She and another person from work are trying to get me to go out with them and some colleagues from another area this Friday. I really don't want to go. I don't want to spend time with C and I don't want to get drunk with her.
I'm trying to put distance between me and her. Putting my walls back up. Trying not to cry every day. I'm still in love with her, even though I keep telling myself its over and me and her will never be together but I'm tearing myself to pieces trying to keep her at arm's length.
I'm sick of this being dragged out for as long as it has been. I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of everything.
I just want out, I want an end...
Mark