In today's edition of Handy Dandy Automotive Tips we'll discuss the 1997 Chevy Lumina and how the designers had their heads COMPLETELY up their asses.
I'll preface this by saying I'm not a car repair kind of gal. I'm ok with tire pressure, wiper blades, washer fluid and adding gas, but that's about it. I had a car for several years in which I never did find the damn oil dipstick. S'ok. The light would come on and I'd add more. Problem solved.
Anyway, Spawn's car died the other day. Naturally, Poohbare is out of town. I check this and that and, based on my encyclopedic repair knowledge, I determined it's probably a dead battery. No problem! Now where are those jumper cables? Oh yeah... in Poohbare's trunk 350 miles away. No problem! I buy new cables.
I've never personally connected the things before. (With some things I prefer to be a "helpless" female. Never changed a tire either. Go me!) So I read the instructions carefully and.... nothing happens. Hmmmm Double- and triple-check everything and... nothing. Hmmmm Well, I'll just take out the battery and run it to the parts store and have it checked. *pats self on back for being smartical*
This was when I REALLY started looking at the utterly and completely fucked up engine design that's in front of me. [insert colorful language here] The car has now thrown down the gauntlet. Challenge accepted!
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See that thing the arrow is pointing at? That's the windshield washer fluid reservoir. See that bar running diagonally? That's a locking bracket that goes over the reservoir. Guess where the battery is. UNDER THE FREAKING RESERVOIR. Yeah.
So... I soak all the bolts with WD-40, get the locking bar off, get the reservoir loosened and... oh hey it won't come out cuz the friggin fuse box is in the way. Get the fuse box moved, the reservoir off and what do I find? Another fuckin locking bracket for the battery. Grrrrr
No problem! Soak those bolts down, get two of em off and... oh hey, looky there... a third bolt waaaaaaay down there in that narrow space. Back to the garage to dig out all the friggin sockets and clicky handle thingies we own and try to figure out what goes with what. Run back to the hardware store with socket and clicky handle and explain the problem. Apparently what I needed was an "extension" or some technical term like that.
Two and one-half hours later, I finally get the battery out of the damn car. ffs
If anyone reading this was on the design team, keep it to yourself. I'm likely to punch you in the throat.
No, I don't know if the car works now. I'll deal with it in the morning. I need a nap.
On a brighter note, I didn't break a nail or even chip the polish. #winning
xoxo
HP