Years ago I worked midnights for about 8 years. Just before I got a day job I went through my divorce so my sleep patterns went from bad to worse. I guess I had just gotten used to feeling bad because I did not realize how bad I felt until I got off nights. Within 2 weeks I could not believe how much better I felt. It's amazing what a little sleep will do for the body.
Kinda went through the same revelation regarding a breakup. I had seen this girl, written about her many times, off an on for over two years. We got back together this last time about 3 1/2 mo ago. I think I kept getting back with her thinking she had changed or she had realized I was a good catch. Anyway, it was bad almost from the get go. Sometimes when people make up there is like a honeymoon period where everything is good. Not this time. Just fell right in to the old pattern of how she was. I could tell she was not happy and thought if I tried harder or did more I could make her happy. I felt so frustrated. One day after she had not talked to me for two days I ask her point blank if this was as good as it was gonna get. She shrugged her shoulder and said probably. I said I thought I deserved better and she just laughed a little and said go find it. I was heart broke that she seemed to care so little. I left with the determination I was going to break the pattern. She sent me a half ugly email wanting her keys. Within a couple of days I felt lighter and better. I did not hear further from her until she found out I had met someone else. Just like the pattern of the past she called me, mad at first but was soon crying telling me how much she loved and wanted me. Telling me how I could ask any of her friends and they would say how she was always talking about how good I was to her and how much she appreciated and loved me. I told her she had neglected to tell me that. Like in the past I wanted to think she would be different and try again. But instead I pointed out how she had treated me. I told her she probably should address her anger issues and find out why she kept pushing me away and other things. I told her I was going to break the pattern and would not take her back. She cried and promised but I kept thinking about how last fall I took her back and we were together only 3 months before she broke up. Come to find out she had been talking to another guy for weeks and broke up with me to pursue that. After that failed she came back to her safety net and of course I was there for her. It was getting to the point my children were thinking I was crazy and a lot of other people to. Hell, I was starting to think it. My weight was fluctuating up to 15 lbs throughout the month. Could not concentrate on my job and that is just not good.
Anyway, I just won't go back.
This new girl is so different. Seems very interested in me. We have talked probably more through emails than actually in person so far but she is neat. Says she loves reading what I write. Says someof it is almost poetry. Been called a lot of things but never a poet. She is an outdoors person and like a breath of air after letting myself drown for so long. We are already talking about a trip to greece this summer. I know I need to do something different.
Just felt like writing that. You all have a good day and be safe. T |