I am gradually getting back to normal after my successful drama production. People stop talking about it when they meet me and the adrenaline level isn't unusually high anymore. This means that by and by, my everyday craves and desires surface again. One of them - and a very essential one - is of course sex.

I must admit that Timo has been marvellous in the past days. He has allowed me to be in the center of attention and to enjoy it throroughly. He discussed aspects of the play with me which can't have interested him much, and he quietly listened to all my complaints. When I missed my last bus, I could call him late in the evening and he took me home by car. And he kissed me goodbye before my front door without forcing himself and his own desires on me. But when I needed him, we was such an observant and sensitive lover that he could bring me to orgasms I had previously not felt with him.

But now, after the show, I am ambiguous. What are the consequences I am to take from this? Accept Timo whole-heartedly with all which this might imply? Timo is - according to his own words - a person who is born strictly monogamous. And what I can deduce, this is what he would also expect of his partner. But I have never been monogamous in my life. As little as I have ever felt like eating Pizza every day.

I must admit: I am in a great dilemma. Would I ever be able to comply to Timo's expectations without becoming unhappy?

Annalena wants to die. There is such a lot of pain and it seems that she is really terminally ill, so she does not see much good in going on living until the pains drive her crazy. She told me this last night when I spent a few minutes with her. But soon she was so tired and needed her medication that I had to leave her again.

The be able to die, she will cross the border over to Switzerland because there committing suicide with the help of a doctor is legal. She plans to go to a house provided by an organisation called DIGNITAS, where people will help her take a lethal mixture of chemicals which will put her suffering to rest. Here in Austria, as in many other countries, assisted suicide is illegal because too many people - like the church - think they have a right to tell people what to do and think for them, but the Swiss believe that they are the masters of their own bodies and so they can choose what happens to them.

Although I understand Annalena, it's still a haunting thought that someone who was so full of life should end like this. She promised me to tell me when she goes, so that I can visit her for a last time and we can say good-bye.

Regularly there are messages with questions about people who have been part of my blog before, but have not been mentioned for some time. I am trying to give you a little update on them, as far as I am informed myself. For new readers this might be boring, but if you want to know how they have affected my life, you will find them easily with the "find" - function of your browser. All of them are or were important for me.

Frau Schneider: My faithful old neighbour, who used - together with her husband - to look after my cat and my house when I was away. After her husband's death last October she moved to a residence for elderly people outside Klagenfurt, but she never got some roots there again. She died a lonely death in February of this year.

Armin, Helene and little Oliver: they have moved into the flat which was formerly inhabited by the Schneiders. I have not mentioned them although I have quite good contact with them. They are a young, active couple, and they look after my house, too, and for little Oliver, who is in the first year of Primary School, I have become some kind of an extra godmother.

Aldo: The Italo-Austrian, who I was in the swingers club with on that unpleasant night when things went wrong, phones me now and then or we meet in town accidentally and then have some coffee and cake. He is not a person with who I can talk about a lot of things, as his interests are rather carnal than cultural, but he likes me and seems to feel like some kind of distant protector. He has by far the biggest cock of all people I know and looks just marvellous in the nude - and he can safe up cumming exactly as long as he wants. So technically he is the perfect lover, and I sometimes think of him when I just feel like thinking of cock.

I don't want to become too long this morning, but in the following days I will also mention Ruth, Tanja, Traudl, the Elf, Leon, Beatrix and her family, Angelika, Joerg and Elsie - and Phillip. Phillip who does not take me and does not leave me.

Thank you, depotguy, for your faithful comments in the last few days, which were so important to me. How would I feel now if I had gone without? Like a lonesome traveller through the desert, for sure. Like someone who shouts into an empty room. So feel kissed.

Now the whole dream has come to an end. It was a wonderful performance again, and it was not easy for the kids: they knew that every sentence they said, they said for the last time. They didn't show their sadness, they were marvellous. I got some lovely flowers, the king in our play made me kneel and knighted me under the sound of fanfares, and set a crown on my head. As soon as the last spectator had left the room, we started to tidy up all our things - and within an hour, the last traces had disappeared. Then a man from the local pizza service brought 60 pizzas which I had ordered in advance and we paid with the money the audience had donated. I was the one to put out the light and lock the door - and then Timo took me home, and I cried all the way with happiness and because it was now over again for the next three years. Only they will I have the chance to do another project at our school - if I am still there to do it.

Also the second night was an overwhelming success. There were many parents present, and they were so very proud of their sons and daughters. Their babies. And now they were on stage, and looked almost adult, and beautiful. Many of the parents had tears in their eyes when they thanked me for what I have done, and what it meant for the whole family. The mother of our protagonist, an overbearing woman who had phoned when he took over the part and told me he could never do it, stood there meekly next to her successful son - with a mixture of disbelief and admiration. And in a subdued voice she told me that from now on she would treat her son differently - she knew now that he would go his way.

Our headmaster was at the performance, too, and some members of the school board. And they all told me how much they had enjoyed the performance and how surprised they were about the achievement of some students, who in the ordinary classes where rather problematic and were never expected to excell in this way. And the headmaster's wife said that as a drama teacher I was really able to bring the best out of every kid. And I just stood there and smiled, but inside, my heart was almost exploding.

But in the afternoon I had seen something on the bus to school, which gives me no rest: I saw a former student of mine who I mentioned a few times in my blog last year: Ambitious Annette, as I called her (you will find her with the "edit - find in this page" function). She had left our school abruptly and had disappeared from my view. Now she was looking after a bunch of little children, and she looked changed - much older, and almost fat, with an unhealthy complexion. I thought there was some desperation in her eyes when I passed her while leaving the bus. "Write to me. Or phone", I whispered, but I didn't see any reaction in her eyes. Then they were gone.

I am sorry that I wrote so much about my drama project in the last few days, and this here on a porn platform - I must have bored some of you to tears. On the other hand, something like this is so important for my life - I thrive on success, I feel it gives me the right to live my life the way I want, to do what I desire and not to ask too many questions. I have proved myself, I can do what I want to achieve - so this gives me strength for my mind and my body, and it sharpens my senses to the fullest. Drama is such a sensual enterprise.

On the stage, during the applause, I was thinking of Maria, who could not come to the performance, but wrote me a wonderful good luck card: "I kiss your opening", in her beautiful longhand. I know this is a quote: Marlene Dietrich once got this message from one of her woman lovers for the opening night of her show - still it filled my heart with joy.

For Timo I had reserved a seat in the front row. And he loved my production so much, he was totally enthusiastic. At home, in my bed, I just wanted to feel him. I was too exhausted to respond much. So I just begged him to take me - hard and intensive while I was lying in his arms passively and just felt and felt. And felt. Waves of lust were washing over me, mixed with joy and pride and satisfaction, and they came faster and faster - all I could do was shout, and come up for air for a moment, before the next, even bigger wave shook me. I must have fallen asleep after one of these mindblowing orgasms, or become xxxxxxxxxxx, I don't know. And Timo held me tenderly in his arms up to the early morning.

Oh, this atmosphere before the play, this joyful tension. Even the cheekiest and most loud-mouthed kids become serious and subdued, and there is an air of expectant concentration. The actors' hair is done, and then their faces are made up, and they gradually change into their new characters. At once, they appear more mature, almost adult, and wait in the semi-darkness for their cues.

In the entrance hall, the catering team has lit a hundred candles, which welcome the spectators - the first arrive over an hour before the show. At 7.30 the doors to the theatre are opened, at 7.45 all good seats are taken. Many have to stand. There is a buzz of expectation and excitement in the air.

And in the middle of this all - your humble Alpina. Talking to a parent here and congratulating them on their kids, giving some last encouragement to individual actors, showing special guests to their seats, enjoying their best wishes for the show. And then I give the sign and the lights go out - and the performance begins. And every participant of my project gives more than only his or her best - they are just admirable.

And in the end, the applause doesn't want to end; and on stage, in the midst of all the smiling faces, your Alpina - smiling too, but with tears in her eyes - tears of excitement, exhaustion, joy and pride.

Never this winter was it as wintry as in this spring. The snow is so high that public transport from and to our village has broken down. I had to go through the garden and shake the snow from my bushes and reeds. I wonder how the tulips and daffodils feel in their white graves.

It's our drama opening night today. I am so very excited: maybe, if everybody does his and her very best, it can be a success. We have created some wonderful scenes - and it looks as if most of the actors now understand their words. Up to now they merely memorized the lines, but last night they suddenly WERE the characters they impersonate, and they started to suffer and triumph with them. I was so happy - on my knees was an old, torn copy of the play: the one I bought and read for my oral final exam at the same school exactly 20 years ago. It is a dream: now, two decades later, it's on the school stage under my direction. What a pity that my old German teacher does not live to see it.

Actually I would have had time to sleep in and relax, as work only starts in the afternoon today. But I was so restless already at seven and turned from one side to the other. I admit I tried masturbation to give my thoughts another direction and eventually calm down. But my God - it didn't work, I don't know when this happened last: I just couldn't. I'm sure tonight after the performance, at home in my bed, Timo will take me in his arms and help me find my usual self again.

PS. I have heard the Editor is back home from the hospital, and all seems to be fine.

For the sake of my project I was not totally unhappy when the Editor's secretary phoned me this morning and said that the Editor had told her to call off all appointments for this week. He had to go to hospital for an unscheduled check-up, but was not seriously ill. At least she hoped so.

I worked from 8.30 a.m. to 10.30 p.m. and came home again exhausted, fortunately someone took me by car. The music is fantastic, my colleague from the music department has again done his best with his talented kids, and we have some songs which sound a little like Brecht / Weill, if you know what I mean. Franzi, the professional costume designer, was here all afternoon and made sure that all look just wonderful.

I hope the Editor will recover until Sunday, because he promised to come to our finishing night together with the director of the theater and some of his staff. Tomorrow night - or better tonight as it is past midnight now - will be our dress rehearsal - and after that I can do nothing but hope ...

"Hey Alpina, we are off to Hawaii for 11 days so I will really miss you while I am away. I told you one of the reasons I took life membership was because I love reading your posts, so I will really miss you while I am away, D."

What a wonderful uplifting message at the end of a busy day. Thanks so much and all the best for your holidays. On the other hand: isn't this such a great obligation? If you took life membership because of me, this means that I may have to go on blogging for at least another 50 years ..... Keep ready for a few more stories then.

I was at school between 8 a.m. and 9 p.m. and got home shortly before 10. Now I am preparing a few things for tomorrow, I'll pack my travel bag, for example, with all a girl needs when she is planning to have sex. I hope I am not too exhausted tomorrow night and fall asleep in the middle of action. What a dreadful thought.

I was quite happy today: we definitely have a play. It's still slow and the timing is lousy, but the costumes are quite lovely and so are the light effects. Tomorrow the musicians will join us and with life music everybody will become much more alive. Three days to the opening night - and we'll need every minute we can get.