I worked late again, but I promised to hand the tests back by tomorrow, and I don't want to disappoint my kids. And anyway, I don't fancy saving up too many things to do at the weekend when I am with Maria.

"Your new friend Timo is the best that could have happened to you if you ask me, but of course you are not asking me. So that was it: after more than 6 years I say goodbye with some tears in my eyes but don't worry I get over it", is what someone wrote to me yesterday who I also disappointed. We had already met on messenger a very long time ago, and it had pleased him to show himself on cam and it had pleased me to see. But I fear he had actually hoped to meet me in the flesh one day, and there had been fantasies of having sex with me. He had offered to meet me for skiing, and to join us at jacuzzi and to the swingers club. I could not accept - for ever so many reasons. And I am sure the expectations would have been too unrealistic, even if he just wanted to meet me for coffee.

It is always sad to lose someone - even if one never really had him.

I already wanted to complain that no-one has written a comment under my blogs, which always makes me feel empty and unloved (I know it's silly) when I saw with relief that depotguy has taken pity on me and just done this. And not for the first time, which I have noticed with pleasure, and which I very much appreciate as it seems that some of my faithful friends have taken a timeout or have even turned away from NN to spend their time in more respectable surroundings.

I have become curious of course who this person is who only days ago was completely unknown to me, so I have carefully read his profile and even more carefully looked at his pictures which he has put on display so freely. His sexual preference astonished me a little (thanks for caring for my texts all the same). The data about the size of his cock took me by surprise: was he a midget or very, very bad at mathematics? A look at his pictures showed me, however, that he seems to be a person with a sense of humour who can also laugh about himself, which I think is a wonderful trait.

The pictures show that nothing is wrong with his cock, that it is a particularly good-looking specimen, which even didn't go unnoticed and was favourably commented on by the undisputed former Queen of Cocks on this site, LUNNA, which is quite something. I'm asking myself: how do I feel towards my reader depotguy now that he has shown me his cock in all his hard and his soft splendour - compared to all the people who I daily meet, but have never seen their best part? I certainly feel astonishingly close. So thanks, depotguy, for taking the time and writing a few words in response to my blogs.

It has become clear now that Maria will stay for two nights at my house next weekend. I haven't seen her much since she sold her flat and moved to Vienna to work in an executive function for a major charity. But next weekend, which is the first weekend in March, the paragliding club she still belongs to have their main season opening event which she will attend. She is arriving here on Friday evening and staying with me till Sunday night. During the day I could go with her as a spectator (fortunately she does not expect me to fly with her this time, but my most faithful readers know that I would jump from a mountain top with her if she asked me to).

I didn't have much contact with her in the last few months. There was an e-mail once in a fortnight and now and then a phone call, mainly at night when she was sleepless and thinking of private matters. Two whole nights with Maria! Just typing this makes my heartbeat go faster. Some of you remember what my reaction to her being with me is. She is the woman who has got under my skin. The one who makes me doubt at times if I am really as heterosexual as I usually see myself.

What she does to me is not unlike to what Phillip does - only very different, female, partient, slow-building, a calm and profound physical earthquake that seemingly goes on for ever. Look at your private emotinal seismographs at the the weekend - this tremor can certainly be felt all around the world ...

Today when I came to the drama lesson, a women who was maybe a little younger than me came towards me with a big smile and asked me if I was Dr. Alpina, the director of the school drama project. She was dressed all in gaudy colours, a lot of pink, some light-green and striped stockings and looked so very different from anybody you would ever meet at our school. She was very slim, and her her hair was pitch-black and nicely done into two braids, and around her head she had draped a shawl with a delicate leopard-skin pattern.

She told me that her name was Franzi and she was working for the regional theatre, she was in charge of the costume and props storage and the director had sent her here to ask if there was anything we needed and she would try to help us. Some of you might remember that I had met the director on January 21 at the surprise dinner with the Editor, and he had promised me then to help. As I hadn't heard anything from him in the meantime, I had thought that he had just tried to be charming, but I seems that he hadn't forgotten me.

You could easily see that Franzi was a professional. She looked at everything very critically and quickly saw what was not so good. She praised us for a lot of things we had already started to get ready, but she said in her storage room were so many things which could be useful for us that it would be best if we just came over to the theatre one of these days and choose whatever we needed. Imagine that - acting in real professional costumes instad of threadbare hand-me-downs. And there were not only a few theatre swords we could use, there would also be someone to tell us how to handle them.

It's just amazing how many wonderful, friendly people there are in the world - even if sometimes it seems to be the opposite.

I think I was fairly unfair towards Kueken when I made her appear like some kind of slapstick character because of my lack of sympathy for her. She is not all that clumsy, and quite a gifted home-economics teacher in spite of her young age. It's because she has moved in between me and my friends that I disliked her from the beginning.

Now Elsie told me that her life has not been very easy. She comes from a dysfunctional and abusive family, as her father is an alcoholic and her mother is in and out of mental hospitals. It is almost a miracle that Kueken did not go the same way but finished her training successfully so that she could leave home. But as it often happens, she picked herself a boyfriend who was not so unlike her father. He also treated her very badly when he was drunk and Elsie helped her to bring her feet back on safe ground. She spends so much time with Elsie and Joerg because she is afraid of living alone and because she has noone else to turn to.

Thus she has become part of the family, and their relationship has become very strong, as I have mentioned in various blogs before. I am not so sure if this is very good for both sides: Kueken rather needs somebody like a parent or a suportive friend and not fuckbuddies, but her character does not seem to be very strong and she is happy when she can adapt and others are pleased with her. And how they are pleased - particularly Joerg.

I have decided to be a little more tolerant towards her and accept that she is around so often when I am with my friends.

It's afternoon - Timo has left me and gone home because there is some work waiting for him and me. I have come up from dream land and reality has got me back. Just a slight ache between my thighs reminds me of what was. And there are memories, of course.

Of last night, which was fun. The other five guys playing with Timo were all much older than he, which surprised me a lot first. But Timo said jazzers were ageless, it just mattered how dedicated to the music they were, nothing else. I could not agree more when I saw them play. Timo looked absolutely relaxed when playing his piano, and at the same time as if he was in a different world, all absorbed by his music and totally happy. They played for more than two hours and the very mixed audience were very enthusiastic.

Then we drove home, and all was as if we had never done anything else. We had a little snack, talked about this and that at the kitchen-table, had a shower (individually, not together) and then we went to bed. If I hadn't wanted to feel him inside me, I think we would have fallen asleep like an old, happily married couple. I was still lying in his arms when I woke up this morning. He was leaning on his arm and mustering me with a quizzical look, I didn't know how long he had been doing this before I woke up. I made him hard with my mouth and then sat on him, gently rocking for- and backward, and we bot got faster and more intense at the same time and fell into each others arms after cumming simultaneously. We stayed like this for a good while, until we felt like breakfast and together had a look what the fridge could offer us.

So as you see, it was really very nice with him.

I did not really want to end the week on a subdued note, because I am sure it's going to be a good weekend. Thank you for your sympathy, my dear friends, I am sure there are more women with such memories than one might think. I hear it from so many, and almost never were the men who abused them strangers, but people they knew, and so they were ashamed and didn't tell anybody. As a woman you always live on a knife's edge - it's what your mother tells you early in your life, and you can believe it or not.

What I have not mentioned so far is that Timo plays the piano in a jazz band. They are doing old style dixieland and I will go to the club they are performing tonight to hear it for the first time. Another first is that he will stay with me in my house overnight. I have not taken a man home for quite some time, besides Phillip I mean. I wonder what it is going to feel like.

Besides making some music Timo does a lot of writing. He told me that he is writing scripts for Austrian TV. He has no regular employment, but now and then they ask him to do a script for one of their crime series. He has also written a detective novel which was actually published, but I have not read it yet. But basically he is a free lance journalist who is specialized on ecological topics. The funny thing is: he knows the Editor and has also heard of Phillip.

Yes, I have told him of Phillip - not as much as you know, of course, but that we are lovers.

PS: I have not mentioned my ill colleague Annalena for a while. Don't think that I have forgotten her.

PSPS: Does anyone know where Manic Panic is? She has been commenting my blogs so often so wonderfully, and it feels empty without her. Now I see that her very successful blog is deleted and there is not a trace of her.

From time to time I re-read my blog to find out what certain things look like from a distance and if I have made a fool of myself in my immediate emotionalism. When I came across the sentence "Because up to now I have never had any problems with people sexually trying to take advantage of me", which I put down some weeks ago, I had to stop, because I did not really tell the truth then - and because it's my aim to be straightforward here, this is what happened.

It was in England more than a decade ago and I was pretty wild and in a sexually experimenting mood, when I once had an affair with a guy I had met at playing badminton. He was quite attractive, muscular and well-endowed, and I spent some nights over at his place in South London because there was no public transport readily available at the time I could tear away from him.

He must have got the impression from what I had said that I was more experimental that I really was, because one evening, I had just begun to undress, I noticed that there was a second guy in the flat and he didn't look very pleasant at all. In a flash I knew that they were going to share me between them and that there was no stopping them.

I first tried to tell them that I didn't want this, but the other guy just laughed and said he knew all about me and I should not act funny. I knew it was no use defending myself, the guy I had met didn't want to lose his face, and so I knew the only thing I could do was to get through it as unharmed as possible. And what happened was what could be expected - they instigated each other to more and more extreme things and they didn't only become pretty violent, but found it also pleasant to humiliate me.

I was really fearing for my life, in this foreign land where I was pretty alone, and so I tried to switch off my mind and do nothing that would make them angry and lose control. They did with me whatever they might have dreamed of in their wildest dreams; they didn't injure me, but they roughed me up considerably and I had problems walking and swallowing food for some days afterwards. I never saw the guy again because he was possibly ashamed, but I was even more ashamed that something like this could have happened to me, so I never told a soul - until now.

Before they let me be, they dragged me into their back garden, naked, and both were standing over me and urinating on me, while I was lying on the wet soil of their veggie patch. And then they said now they were thirsty again and they went inside to get dressed. When they were leaving for the pub, I was still lying out there in the garden. Only then I cleaned myself up and went home, hoping that noone ever found out about it and determined to forget it as soon as possible. I never did.

I never mentioned last Thurday's Jacuzzi because it was a little embarrassing, for what was going on and for how I behaved, because I was some kind of a spoilsport and I hate being one. And I hate looking old and inflexible.

When I arrived at Joerg and Elsie's, Kueken was there, too. And all three of them were just wearing tiny thongs with some leopard pattern, which Joerg had bought cheaply at a local supermarket - he himself wearing a woman's garment, too, which was way too small particarly in the front. They had decided to have a theme evening, some kind of a roleplay: Joerg was the King of the Jungle with his harem, and I was expected to get into such a thong, too, which was already waiting for me.

I did what I was expected to, and we looked like a slightly overweight Tarzan with too many Janes. I was becoming reluctant, though, when the Jungle Chief ordered his women to slip down their panties to show me their freshly shaved bald mounds, and expected me to get shaved, too, there and then. I refused, and asked if there was any Jacuzzi on that evening or not. Fortunately there was, and it was quite funny after all - although I am missing the old, quietly erotic tub times with my friends.

How much they have changed - and I never know how much I am to blame for it. Since Elsie was in the swingers club with us on the fateful evening, she seems to encourage Joerg to have sex with Kueken. They experiment with everything. You can imagine Joerg's wide smile when Elsie ordered Kueken to suck him off during Jacuzzi, and she readily obliged. I felt like an old maid watching and thinking it inappropriate.

Tonight I have agreed to join them again, maybe for the last time, who knows, and it sees to be a swimsuit affair: Kueken has invited two guys from her sportsclub and so the tub will be rather crowded. God knows what they are up to in the end - a private orgy or something. I have the feeling to be in a way beyond that - considering my past and particularly my more recent experiences.

"Deep down I did feel there was a lack of vibrancy. It took a reread of your words to see it a bit more clearly and I am guilty of rushing to judgement in my wish to see you more settled. Timo will never be a Phillip, that I realise. And that is your dilema." Yes, this is it - my dilemma. Timo is an awfully nice and very considerate man, but he does not blow my mind and make my body yearn with desire like Phillip.

Readers who have been with me for some time know my physical reaction to Phillip: he can make me lose myself completely. In his presence my body takes over and does unspeakably wonderful things which totally sweep me from my feet. It is as if my whole being starts vibrating with unquenchable lust, and this only stops when I am utterly spent, almost xxxxxxxxxxx with fulfilled desire. (Some of you remember that also Maria makes me feel like this ...)

Having sex with Timo makes me feel good, it makes my body quiet and my mind happy - he makes me whole again. Being in his arms takes all anxienty from me as long as it lasts, and his calm gives me strength. But then I feel that somewhere deep inside me, my dark Sister Hyde shakes her head and laughs scornfully.