Alpina's Blog - page 88

I have something in common with Tanja - that's maybe why her fate moves me so much: this unstoppable yearning for people. It does not have any sexual effect on me - or not anymore, I also had my times - but it is just an incredible interest in people's lives, where they come from and where they are heading to.

A psychologist once told me that this may be because I grew up as an only child, and both my parents were only children, too. I didn't have a seccluded life like Tanja, but besides my parents I had no closer connections like people usually have in their family. I was the respected daughter of the respected family doctor, so people usually kept their distance. And since my parents died in this fateful carcrash, I am in the awkward position - and I have never met a person of my age who was in a similar one - that I have no living relative in the world who is so close that I personally know him or her.

That's maybe the reason why I became a teacher, or why I love being here with NN, and why I am so touched when I hear of people's life stories. What brings me to tears at a funeral is not that the person has died, it's the story of their lives, their struggles, their hopes and their dreams, and what they have finally achieved, and how hard they have worked for it. Today I shed some tears when I listened to the radio: how a woman came from Senegal, and got married here, and had children, and is integrated well, and speaks broad Austrian dialect with the reporter. How far she had to go to become what she is.

It's maybe the reason why I love readings blogs here and learn of so many lives which go on parallel to mine, and which can be so excitingly different.

PS: Tonight is Jacuzzi night again.

Phillip didn't sleep with Mrs. Mercy Fuck in Linz, in fact he didn't even meet her. Driven by her bad conscience, her Christian faith and the love of her children she had stayed at home and forfeited her orgasm. Phillip didn't even appear sorry, and I - well, I slowly breathed out all the tension I had stored inside me for some days. The world is not such a bad place, after all ...

But the girl at the reception of the hotel remembered him. And, says he, that was funny and he guessed mightily illegal, but she said if he wanted to sleep in her room she would not charge him for the night. And Phillip id not one to waste a penny when it can also be saved. Alright ...

... that no-one commented on the the passage of Tanja's story, which I related yesterday. In fact, says Tanja, this silence is what happens to her all the time. Few believe that uncontrollable sexual desire can be a problem (look at all the guys !!) - many who know of it are embarrassed and start to shun her because they are afraid of becoming a victim of hers (they would not), while others who know just want to exploit her weakness (wow, what a bloody nypho !!). I am afraid that if I published her address and phone number here, she would be flooded by guys who think she is a good and easy fuck - and therefore an absolute dream woman.

Tanja got married and moved to the outer fringe of our Alpine Republic, and life got much better. Usually people didn't know, and so no-one recommended her to the next guy. Her marriage broke up, but for other reasons. Now and then she had a relapse, and she has also tried having relationships with women.

She had initially wished to be my friend because I was so controlled and level-headed, hoping this might further help to stabilize her. She was surprised that I didn't stop her during the holidays, but had sex with a young guy, too, and when she spent the night in my bed after jacuzzi, she thought, no she hoped that the two of us should have an affair. That I brought her along to jacuzzi was not good for her - what went on was much too strong a stimulus for her, and when Joerg was standing in front of her door, the outcome was obvious.

After having sex with Joerg she didn't go on holiday with her family, as I had thought, but went to the hospital she had had therapy before and found support with her psychologist. That was when I sent her my unfriendly, self-important letter (see March, 1). I was so sorry, and I told Tanja I was, and I embraced her (not too much, stupid me) and I promised to stay her friend and that we would meet regularly to spend some good time together. And she would not come to jacuzzi again, and keep away from Joerg.

Tanja seemed very pleased and said she thanked God for the change of my views (not knowing that friends from NN had brought about this change). And I have one more friend - and I hope I will be one who is good for her and who she can trust.

Of course, Tanja was not really alone in the world after her mother had killed herself so brutally, she had quite a number of friends she met regulary, and she moved in with some other trainee nurses of both sexes who were sharing a house. But then something happened which shocked and frightened her: it seemed that she gradually lost control over her emotions and desires.

Tanja told me this in many more words while we were drinking coffee and eating her cake. And sometimes she was looking for words in her desire to tell me exactly what had gone on with her. She said it was what she had developed in her childhood, when she was alone so often - this strong desire for company, this longing for people's attention and love - which she could not come to terms with.

Before long, she had slept with ever so many guys. She could not help it, when they gave her their attention and she was with them, she could never say no or stop. On the contrary, as soon as they were together and the guys suggested having sex, she felt like having to go along and wanting to go along, to be very close to them, to feel their body and their breath and their pleasure and it made her happy, whenever it happened.

By the time she had finished her training, she had learnt to control her problem to a certain degree. She had been to therapy repeatedly, and it had worked - but there were millions of guys all the times who she met and thought nice and who gave her the eye ... so she got weak ever so often again, and gave in to her inner voice who could still grow very strong at times ... and then nothing could shop her short of a wild and uncontrollable orgasm ... and whenever there was a second one, it had to be even wilder and more uncontrollable ...

When it was over she felt bad, and swore she would not do it again so soon. But only until next time ... and there was always a next time.

I sometimes get messages of people who do not only comment on what is going on in my life, or offer to help me in any way, but who also crticise me and my character. Sometimes it is not so pleasant, particularly when people might be right with what they observe. Like in the following excerpt: "I love reading your blog but I think you think too much, and aren't you being hypocritical expecting Philip to be faithful when you do your Jacuzzi thing?"

Can anyone think too much, not only too little? Do I think too much?

......... like this morning when I woke up at six and could not fall asleep again .... I was thinking of Linz, of Phillip and of a sweaty hotel room ..... it had to be daybreak there, too .... Mrs. Mercy Fuck must have woken up too, she didn't sleep so well .... she stayed all night, because she said she was at a friends house, but her conscience .... she had cum so very hard before sleep, the first time for months .... she knew that Phillip would have another job soon, maybe not come to Linz for ages .... so it might be their last fuck ever this morning, why not the last orgasm of her tedious life .... right now after six, with the daylight coming ..... she cried a little .... she begged Phillip to do it again and not to hurry .... or maybe he was eager himself to please her a last time ..... would she suck him to make him hard .... would he lie on top of her ..... would they moan and shout during orgasm ..... would they kiss ..... really kiss, deep and long and tonguey and wet .... and whisper sweet nothings .... would he say she is beautiful .... truly beautiful ....

Do I think too much? Yes, you are right - sometimes I definitely do.

She said to me that she was not really unhappy during her childhood, she didn't know anything else. But there was one thing "Liesl" developed: a deep, unfathomable craving for human contact. A love for people, whoever they were.

Then, one day, a smart, well-dressed woman arrived in front of Grandmother's house, and she asked Liesl if she knew a girl called Tanja. Of course she didn't - but before long she got to know that this was her mother and she herself was, in fact, the girl Tanja. On the same day she left the place she had grown up in, she got a new name, and her life changed dramatically.

Looking back, says Tanja, these were the best times of her life. Her mother had married her last customer, a widower without any children, who was considerably older. He had some money, and for a time, they were something like a family. They lived in town, and she finished school and started her training as a nurse.

But when she was 19, her step-father left her mother, who had never been really happy and started to drink, and because she could not bear being left and without income anymore, and was too old to be a whore again, Tanja added, she threw herself in front of a moving express train. When Tanja came to herself again, she noticed that she was all alone in the world.

Another Monday - another week. I critically look at my naked body in the mirror. I shower, I wash my hair, I dress carefully: I will be on stage again all day for my students who listen to me, and who look at me, who undress me with their eyes and imagine what there is under this business dress. Sometimes I enjoy this - and sometimes it is almost too much.

My fresh, crisp, black cotton thongs, my black lace bra, pantyhose, a long-sleeved white blouse and a blue striped pantsuit - it's still below freezing during the night. Black, fairly flat leather shoes. Eye liner, lipstick, a simple, fine gold necklace, a ring with a semi-precious blueish stone. I - me - myself ....

Then the black leather bag (elegant, but heavy), saying good-bye to my cat which for the last time this morning moves around my ankles, I mustn't forget Annette's yellow envelope, then the key turns in the lock. I am ready to take on another day.

Today I had an SMS from Joerg: "She has slept with me again." - This bitch Tanja, was my first reaction - when it became clear to me that he must have meant Elsie. So they have made it up and celebrated in bed. It seems as if there might be Jacuzzi night again on Thursday - I must say I missed it. I mentally apologized to Tanja - and tomorrow I will go on telling her story.

Phillip and I have come to a decision. He will be in London during all of April, and I will visit him during my holidays, the week before easter and the week after easter, from about April 12 on. I will stay will him in his flat and have a lot of time to myself, when he has to work. London, here I come again ...

But he also told me what he has to do from tomorrow on: he will stay in Linz on business for two days. You may remember, this is the town where Phillip has met the married woman who can only have an orgasm when she is with him (see Jan, 15), so it's likely that there will be a mercy fuck again.

When I heard it, I went to the bathroom and sat down on the pot, and I let the news have its effect on me. I felt a short stab in the region of my heart, which ebbed off pretty soon. When I wiped myself, I could already deal with it without pain. And I flushed everything down the drain: the tissue, my anxiety, my jealousy, all.

FORGET IT ! DON'T MENTION IT, AND DON'T EVEN THINK OF IT ! NOT FOR ONE SECOND ! EVER !

After Phillip had left this morning to go to the Press House because of an article for tomorrow, I started to read my own blogs of the last few weeks. I must admit I was not unpleased with myself - besides my diary, which I have been doing regularly since I was 14 - I never had the chance of writing anything - except for comments under my students' essays, which sometimes make the girls cry and the boys become aggressive.

But when I came to 16th March, and read the comment which wise and wonderful MissP had written below my text ("oh... it seems like Annette has a crush... and I'm not surprised" it was like a blow over my head, which opened my eyes: My entire blog reads as if I was heading for absolute disaster.

My information about Phillip's fantasy in which a very young girl is to participate, all my information about Ambitious Annette, MissP's comment. Phillip's interest when I told him of Annette, and his suggestion to be friendly with her and not only correct her mistakes. I was shocked. And started to open the few messages which were waiting for me on NN this morning. And already the first one came up with some brilliant and most useful advice: "Maybe you have not noticed, but ...".

NO, NOT HER ! FORGET IT ALL - ONCE AND FOREVER ! PLEASE!

When God created sex, he certainly had one of his very best days, if you consider that he maybe had little practice and only intended to do it himself once.

And how we reveled in His creation last night, and got lost in it, and carried it to the extreme, and from there further and further, towards utter exhaustion, towards sweetest pain, and onwards, onwards to the darker edges of madness. And still I thought I would die if there was not another orgasm, although I feared that the next orgasm would blow my mind for good ...

It's been some time since I lost myself so totally, when I felt so much like stripping off my humanity like some dress and becoming all animal, pure instinct and subconscious lust. I have always had moments when I am taken over by my darker side, but never this way with Phillip. "Don't tear me up", he said once during the night, "don't eat me up, Alpina."

Now, in the sunshine of the day, all is peaceful and calm. Phillip is hacking an article into his laptop in the living-soom, and he is just wearing the thongs I gave him and in which I love to see him so much. All's well - and you have to go pretty close to see some of the bruises an Alpine predator inflicted on his near to perfect body in the course of the night.