Although I didn't ask, and Phillip didn't want to hurt me, he couldn't help telling me about his fuck buddy. Excuse my French, some of my American friends would say in this situation, but this is my official language when referring to Phillip's sexual encounters - when he fucks around.

The woman he fucks in Linz, he's known since his time as a student. She is his age, married, with two kids, and when he is in Linz she spends a night with him in the hotel under the pretense that she stays with a girl-friend. He says he does it for nostalgic reasons, he was her first lover but soon got tired of her, but she still says she can only have a good orgasm with him.

What I did not know is that he also bedded a younger woman who works at the reception of his hotel. She had quite a good body, so I learnt, but it seems that while he pounded at her to fill his condom, she was sobbing fiercely because of some relationship that had gone awry lately.

But neither of them was like me, and I was the only one anyway he could really enjoy because I would receive his cum the way he liked it best. Well, this was maybe not the best time to tell him of my apprehension of being pregnant last week and that therefore from now on I would only have sex with a condom until someone would agree to have his child with me in a defined parental agreement.

In plain English: either you marry me or you will fill your cum in little rubber containers again instead of inside me. That was visibly a hard one to digest, and it made him think and brood all afternoon.

Should I kill him, or tar and feather him, or just keep the door locked? Should I make a scene or have a serious talk with him and tell him my opinion about his fucking around when he is away from home? Finally I decided to say nothing, but to be just better than the other women, and keep him interested.

He arrived late, it was past 10 pm. when he rang the doorbell. He had phoned before, so I didn't cook, but had some delicious snacks and some wine ready. We embraced in the kitchen, and kissed, but before I could open his pants, he had already started to undress me, and when he sat me on the kitchen table, I was already stark naked. But when he gently spread my knees, he saw the tell-tale white thread dangle between my thighs and asked if I was late ... he had thought the "red alert" was already over.

Now as be both do not have a Menstruation Fetish which means that I don't want my men become vampires once a month and drink blood, we just snuggled on my bed and ate the snacks and drank wine, and as Phillip was dog tired from driving, we soon fell asleep.

In the morning we slept long and had breakfast in bed, both in our unisex thongs ... but I soon moved his away and gave him a blowjob .... and he visibly and audibly enjoyed my drawing that beloved protein drink from his tasty source. Then we went for a walk hand in hand and both told about last week.

While he is writing something at his laptop, I am having time for this, and afterwards I will be doing some dinner .... it's going to be some Thai food tonight.

First I carried 20 baskets full of firewood behind the house, which is an easy job for a healthy and fit woman like me - if you don't fill them too much. In town I bought some packets of condoms, also some with strawberry flavour, and then I popped in at Tanja's to give her the news.

She had not expected me, and Lena was with her. The two lovebirds looked rather ruffled and bore a mischievous grin on their smeared faces, but I was asked in and got some coffee. Tanja and Lena are both nurses, and they said it was typical that after a flight one's period could be delayed. And then the woman was afraid and got tense which delayed it even more. But a hot bath or a massage ot both together would do a lot of good and this had certainly done the job for me. And they would have helped me out, too, if I had just asked them ...

In less than an hour Phillip will come. The question is now: how shall I welcome him, after all that has gone on?

The moon smiled big and round out of a clear sky when I walked over to Elsie and Joerg, and they noticed soon that I was not well. When they asked me what was wrong with me, I must admit I could not hold back my tears, so they took me into their arms and just held me for some time - that is what I needed so much.

In the jacuzzi I sat between them and they held and massaged me from both sides. It was so lovely and in a way liberating to feel their hands all over my skin, to feel them so close. It was very cold, under the big, round, smiling moon, but my heart was warming to the situation, and when I now and then opened my eyes, there was a sky full of twinkling stars.

We stayed in the bubble bath for two sessions, and then we ran through the snow into their bedroom where they gently toweled me down and laid me onto their bed. And then they massaged me from both sides, and I could just lay there and relax and enjoy. And I felt their hands all over me, and when they noticed how eagerly my body responded to their touches, their fingers became more demanding until I felt waves of positive feelings wash over me, again and again, and stronger and stronger, and them I was shaken by a most wonderful, deep orgasm, and then they lay down beside me and warmed me with their glowing skins.

So actually I didn't tell them much ... it was all friendship and emotion, and much later, when they walked me home, the smile of the big, round moon had no end.

And late this morning, when I woke up, I immediately remembered the soothing evening with my friends, and I felt as warm again, and as wet as yesterday. Warm, and wet? WARM and WET !!! And red .. all aver my bed and my lower body. I had just gone to bed naked, and now everything was full of blood .... BLOOD ... all over. What a mess. What a sweet, wonderful, heart-pleasing, mind-releasing mess !!!

Before I went into the shower I looked into the mirror and I bet I looked much like Sissy Spacek in the film "Carrie" with my legs full of blood and with my close to insane grin. When I was washed and properly stopped up, I looked out of the window to breathe some fresh air. And there was bright, warm sun shining.

This afternoon, I'll take the bus to town, and buy a big, lasting store of condoms.

Phillip phoned. I asked him straightforward and he said yes he had. But I knew that ... guess ...it had nothing to do with us, that it was ....guess ... just sex, like .... guess ... a meal in a good restaurant. Did I tell him that Angelika might get a brother or a sister one of these days ... no.

Maybe Phillip is right: maybe the human being, partcularly the male variety of the species, is a machine which, to run properly, has to eat and drink, and to clean the system, shit, piss and cum. What makes him partly human is that he tries to do it in a way that pleases him.

I'm glad it's jacuzzi evening with my friends Elsie and Joerg. It's going to be at least minus 10°C and there will be stars in the sky.

I was never pregnant in my life, Flcamfan, so I cannot really tell ... I think I am just worried, or call it terrified, and maybe I share this feeling way too much here in my blog ... but why only write when the sun shines? Still, I enjoyed your considerate comment immensely, thanks very much.

Maybe I would not be a bad mother. I had a vision when I woke up today of me sitting in the sun-drenched garden of a big white building. My legs were covered with a blanket, I was too frail or too old to walk. And suddenly a beautiful, energetic, young woman with a radiant smile came walking towards me across the lawn and said: "Mother ..."

My cat is at the clinic, I took her this morning .... she is asleep now and being examined. May she not suffer and her waking up be gentle.

Phillip is in Linz again until tomorrow. Last time when he was there, he slept with a woman he always sleeps with when he is in Linz. It's like going for a meal to your favourite restaurant when you come to a town, he says. It's just sex, not love, he says. It could never interfere with what we have, he says.

Enjoy your meal, Phillip ... I have something to chew myself here ...

All afternoon I was sitting in front of my keyboard to write the initial chapter of my paper about "Postcolonial Literature" which I am supposed to hand in in the middle of February. Why are beginnings always so hard ... the text is forming in my mind, but to write actual sentences ... by dinnertime I had only finished the first two paragraphs.

Now and then I exchanged a word with my cleaner who always comes on a Wednesday, and a local farmer brought a big heap of firewood which he unloaded in the drive. It has to be carried behind the house now and neatly stacked. After some baskets I stopped doing the job; I decided this is no work for a pregnant woman..... (sigh !)

Early tomorrow I have to take my cat to the animal clinic. She has developed something nasty-looking on her front paw and she will be put to sleep so that a biopsy can be made. I hope it's not cancer - she has been my faithful companion for so many years. Now, as she is sitting on my mousepad looking out into the dark night, she appears pensive and calm. Does a cat feel when the end of her life is approaching?

Maybe there will be Phillip's phonecall in some minutes, if he finds time. Afterwards I will switch off here and go to bed ... I feel a little worn out. Take care, you all, if you read this.

Four days overdue - if it's a boy I'd like to call him David ..

My evening with Tanja was lovely. She has discovered Indian cooking lately, so when I arrived there were all the ingredients for a Chicken Tikka Masala on the sideboard, and a bottle of white wine in the fridge to keep our spirits up. She said she liked cooking in company and as she knew I liked it, too, we would have to prepare our food first. It was so funny and we had almost drunk the whole bottle when the meal could finally be served.

Tanja is a pleasant, very open-minded woman who never stays in a relationship long - she says she is not born for it. She wanted to know everything about our stay in Rome and thought our Sistine story very cute. She'd been there, too, with an organized trip for Catholic Nurses (imagine that !), but she said next time she would go with a lover, too.

She dropped her bomb only when we had almost finished out feast - for a sweet change, she said, she had decided to try a relationship with a woman, and it was ever so great, though different. And what my experiences in this field were ... she wanted to know ALL. I had to admit that they there hadn't been particularly much in my life, but she did not give in until I had told her all.

I loved drinking some more wine and listening to her telling me in every detail how exactly her present ecperiences were different, and I thought that I should rather have tried this myself ... I would at least not be afraid of pregnancy now.

No, of course not .... imagine that. But what happened was pretty romantic, I think. When we were in the Sistine Chapel, which is part of the museum, we were looking at the wonderful Michelangelo paintings at the ceiling and I said if their was a heaven, it would probably look like that. Phillip smiled and, putting his arms around me, he said it would certainly feel like that. It was towards the evening and already quite dark outside, and there were not many tourists left. So we kissed, and kissed.

I also know what heaven tastes like, Phillip smiled. And he stealthily opened the top button of my jeans and moved his hand into my panties, all the way in until he could slide a finger into my wet pussy. And when he took his hand out, he dreamily licked his finger and sighed. So sweet !

My sabbatical is ending in four weeks and I should do some work: finishing a literary paper and prepare for the next term - but at the moment I am like paralysed. The same thoughts keep milling in my head. Three days overdue ... this has not happened for ages. Maybe the flight might have had an influence, but then it was not a long one and there is nothing like jetlag when cityhopping in Europe. Maybe it's just fate. Maybe I should not have let Phillip touch me intimately in the Vatican museum ...

Tanja (see Dec.5) phoned me last night and wanted to know how I was. I should have phoned her weeks ago but I never really found the time before Christmas. She was not cross with me and I am visiting her at her place this evening.

I need to do some shopping anyway, and it's always quite exciting with her, and it keeps my mind from repeating the same question over and over ...