Well, a whole week has past and things have not gotten any better. Over this past weekend my life literally fell apart. My husband found out I was chatting on NN and totally flipped out! Of course he didn't understand why I would go to a site like this to look for friends, called me alot of names (slut and whore)and now we are contemplating divorce. I am asking for all of you to please approach me with caution in the pit, if I go there. He may be with me.
Last night after talking to a friend on AOL that I made here on NN, he walked in. He flipped again. This friend and I are just that, really good friends, and she will always be that in my life! He is having a very hard time with this although we found the site together. He said I crossed the line by coming on here alone, behind his back and he can't forgive me for that.
Please know my life is falling apart at the seams. I wanted to make it work at least until my daughter graduated from high school in the spring but it doesnt look like it will happen. I am concerned about my children, as you have read in my prior blogs. I am so undecided as to which way I want my life to go. I am very unhappy now, more so than I was a week ago. All this added stress and the stresses of daily life are really getting to me.
I have tried, really tried to be a good person. But for some reason, things are not looking well for my future right now. I feel as if I have a great big hole where my heart used to be. I am empty, saddened and truly, 100% unhappy! I used to think I had it all, a great house, a wonderful family, loving kids, a good job, but seems as if all is tumbling down the hill for me right at the moment. Now all I have at the moment is alot of sadness.
Thank you all for your out pouring of kindness to me, and for all your well wishes. I am hoping to get back to myself soon, but having to look over my shoulder all the time, it is hard. I just ask for your understanding and maybe some encouragement that all will be ok in the near future. I really don't know how much more I can take!!!!!!!
I also have split with my long time love on here for many reasons that I am not divulging. Not that I don't love him, because I do, there is just too many things in the way right now to go on like we were, in both our lives! Most is my fault, I asked for the split! All I am asking is for you to understand that is all.

Well, another week is almost over (Thank God!) and I find myself in more and more predictiments. Trouble does find me for some reason. I used to think I was a good person, and good things happen to good people but if all these bad things are happening now, am I the bad one? hmmmmm, something to ponder upon!
I won't bother you with any more of my problems, I have already said too much and put too much of my sad life on the table!
Do you ever wish you could see into the future and get a small glimpse of what will be going on in your life, say 10 years down the road? This could be both a possitive and a negative. I am one of these people who read the very last page of a book first before I turn to page 1. I like to know the ending, is that sick or what?
Sometimes I try to figure myself out and I cant. Then I think , if I cant figure it out, then who can? Probably not the most likely person you would thing of. I believe that there is someone out there who knows you better than you know yourself and being able to look from the outside in, can be a blessing in disguise. If you are ever that person for someone, please share that with them, that is one of the greatest gifts you can give a person.
Lately, life has thrown me my share of lemons and I have not made any lemonade, I have just squeezed them in anger and let everything else go to waste. I have neglected things that I have to take care of that have gotten way out of hand. Please be patient with me for I will get back to that girl again that you all once loved to be around. I have just hit a speed bump and am trying to get over it.
Sorry for that

Thank you all for your concern and I didn't mean to worry anyone. I will be fine with time. I am just going through a really tough time right now and I need some time to heal myself and do some deep soul searching. I am trying to figure out what would be best for everyone involved. I am worried most about my children. If their happiness will in anyway be altered because of the decisions I am making I will delay indefinately my happiness to keep them happy! I know some of you won't agree but you don't know how much I cherish my kids and my family! This is a huge reason I have not gone forward before with my plans to leave my husband. I know I deserve to be happy as well. But they didnt ask to be brought into this world so what I asked myself is: What can I do to keep them solid individuals? I will think long and hard, and I will go to the ends of the earth to accomplish this.
Maybe you dont understand this unless you are a parent but please try! They are my flesh and blood, my contribution to this world as we know it. If I have done nothing else right in my lifetime, I want them to be the best they can be, because of me! My legacy so to speak.
I hope with the decisions I am faced with making, I make the right ones. Please be patient with me and know I am thinking of my friends I made here. I will be back in chat but like I said before, I just need some time....send me a pm if you like, I will check daily for them. Some of you also know my AOL account.
I would like very much to hear from you!
With a heavy heart, I am saying to you.....good-bye for now.
xxxxx

In the words of Elton John......

What have I got to do to make you love me?
What have I got to do to make you care?
What do I do when lightening strikes me?
And awake to find that you're not there,
What do I do to make you want me?
What have I got to do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over?
And sorry seems to be the hardest word.
It's sad, so sad,
It's a sad, sad situation,
And it's getting more and more absurd,
Why cant we talk it over,
Oh it seems to me that sorry seems to be the hardest word.
What do I do to make you love me?
What have I got to do to be heard?
What do I do when lightening strikes me?
What have I gotta do, what have I gotta do...
When sorry seems to be the hardest word!

* Sometimes I feel through others words....sometimes hard enough to put into my own but I do at times, not this time.....but sometimes your feelings can be felt and understood better through repetition. A well known song like this can be related to many aspects in ones life! Unfortunately, my heart is going through a tough time right now. I have many changes going on and this best fits my mood right now. May not be on for awhile, please understand why! Thanks to all my friends who stuck beside me and became my lifetime friends to me! I love you....You know how to get ahold of me....I am not leaving, just taking hiatus from chat. May only be a few days, but none the less, I will be gone to sort through these things. *

What if everything you ever took for granted was gone,
And everything you ever thought was right was wrong,
And what if everyone you ever loved was torn from the pages of your life,
Would you reach out for tomorrow or try to turn back time,
Did you really love the ones you said you loved? Think twice.
Did you make a bit of difference in somebody else's life,
Tell me is there someone you can count on when you need a friend,
Can you say "I need a friend?"
Surrender your heart, give in and stop questioning why,
Open your heart up to love and you'll see you will find,
These open arms will wait for you,
These open arms can pull us through,
Between what is left and what is left to do
These open arms....will wait for you!

Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face
and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to
wear,and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and
pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and
let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep
the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny
grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I
will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going
to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies,
and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us
both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a
story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not
get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit
on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and
miss my favorite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as
you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for
their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting
their children's graves (I do this too)instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter,a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day...

*I have read this many times before but each time I do it makes me stop to think how blessed I am to have what I have. I should do this more as time gets away from you and when you blink, your children are grown and there is no turning back. Thanks for reading my blogs and getting to know what goes on inside of me.*

WOMAN'S POEM


Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man,
who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.


I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge bo0bs who owns a liquor store
and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

I feel like I never measure up to who you see,
Sometimes I think I cant give you all the love you need,
You keep changing every day,
Amazing me in every way,
I never dreamed I could ever feel the way I do,
I hope and pray I will always be enough for you,
I can only do my best,
I have to trust you with the rest,
I promise I wil hold you through the changes and fears,
When life seems unclear,
And when I can't be right there with you,
There is angels by your side,
If I could be the perfect woman in your eyes,
I would give all I am worth to be a part of your life,
I could promise the world but it is out of my hands,
I can only give you everything I have.

I read this the other day and I foun dit to be such a true to life thing that I could not help but pass it along to others....

We are in this life together, even when one moves with out the other. Different pages from the same story. This aching is familiar. It's something I remember. We can't touch without feeling, can't heal without healing. Only the young could fall so hard, could be so careless and ignore the scars. So we will move out of the way this time, making room for each other, one without the other. We are broken, but we are moving still a thousand different ways.

Wow, when I read this and re read it, I get all emotional as to how true it is and to how many lives are being lead the exact same way. I know mine is!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read my blogs...xxxxxxxxx

Someone very special sent this to me and as I read it, it brought back memories, wonderful memories that you forget about unless things like this help you to remember. Please enjoy!

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle income family. Talk about price shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140.00 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:

* $8,896.66 a year,
* $741.38 a month, or
* $171.08 a week.
* That's a mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.

What do you get for your $160,140.00?

* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles and flying kites.
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140.00, you never have to grow up. You get to:

* finger-paint,
* carve pumpkins,
* play hide-and-seek,
* catch lightning bugs, and
* never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to:

* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
* watch Saturday morning cartoons,
* go to Disney movies, and
* wish on stars.
* You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For a mere $24.24 a day, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:

* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
* taking the training wheels off a bike,
* removing a splinter,
* filling a wading pool,
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat in history to witness the:

* first step,
* first word,
* first bra,
* first date, and
* first time behind the wheel. (eeekkkk, the scariest!)

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!!

Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren & great-grandchildren !!!!!!!

It's the best investment you'll make!