It's okay... no really, I understand. Sure, no pressure. You are fine. Oh, don't worry about it. I'm okay, yeah, I am. I know. You are fine.
All of these are little lies we tell others who have hurt us, to sooth them and make them not feel bad for being a prick and insensitive. LOL why do we do this. Why do we do this to ourselves. Putting other's needs (Especially those who needs should not be worried about) in front of ours. Why can we not just adult and say "You know, not sure what is going on but I am not sure what you meant by this, however this is what I got out of it. Please correct me if I am wrong in my thinking." Yes, how simple is that? You would think very as we are all adults not grade school kids right. LOL But you put emotional tags on anything, and it changes everything. We turn into people we would be harsh to if we saw it happening to someone else, but when it is you, blinders are on. Emotions are running high, and feelings do matter.
Think it all boils down to stepping back from the situation if only for a brief second and thinking what would I tell my friend to do if they were faced with this. I know for me it is easier to give advice then take it. Even my own advice and I am a great advice giver. LOL Or so I have been told. IF we can learn to put ourselves first and worry about our bruised heart then we can start changing and healing our internal and wounded heart. First step to loving ourselves. That is all.. please deposit all wooden nickels in the box near the exit. Good day.

What a horrible word. According to Merriam-Websters dictionary Afterthought means: afterthought
noun
af·​ter·​thought ˈaf-tər-ˌthȯt
1
: an idea occurring later
2
: something (such as a part or feature) not thought of originally : something secondary

Never be anyone's afterthought.

I find myself this morning conflicted and a bit bitter. What over you ask... choices.. it comes down to bad choices whether mine or someone else's. I am tired of feeling like I am not worthy. I will never be more than what I am at this moment. A nothing. a void. not even a random thought.

How's the new me coming along you ask? Well, okay you didn't ask, and I am sure do not care... but I am gonna give you an update anyway.
It has been harder than I thought. I started off so strong and motivated. I find myself biting my tongue on many things as of here late. I keep telling myself if it does not pertain to me stay out of it. Hard to do for someone who likes to fix things but cannot even fix herself. Go figure. Still moody at times. My feeling can still be crushed. And I find myself trying to slip into my old ways. I have to walk away and get away from things and people at times. Nothing personal against anyone. I often find myself feeling alone walking through this world. Should make things easier you would think. I digress... I have not given up my dream and desire. I have nothing holding my back but myself. And I can be a problem. My own worst enemy so to speak. I will prevail and be the better for it.

Happy New Year NN ,
With each new year most of us swear we are gonna do this, stop doing that, try harder for this. If we are lucky, they last a few weeks then get pushed to the wayside. I am so very guilty of this myself. Why I quit making resolutions many moons ago. I knew in my heart that I would never do it.
This year tho is different. I'm not going to try and lose weight, and exercise so many times a week. Not gonna give up my favorite foods just to fail miserably. I am working on a much higher and grander scale. I am working on the inner me. Changing how I view the world around me and more importantly myself. Building a foundation of self-worth and love for myself. I am going to stop expecting others to fill that void. Because they seldom can. And that only leads to self-doubt and hurt.
Loving myself and accepting my flaws is for the greater good. So yes, I am worthy of all the good that comes my way. Yes, I am worthy of all the happiness I find. I am not responsible for the world's problems, and I am going to act accordingly. I will not chase after people who do not want to be chased and try to save their souls. Their fails are theirs and not mine.
With that I end this here and sending out all the best love and good vibes one can send. If you read this know you are special and deserve only the best that the world has to offer.

The grieving heart is a real thing.
You grieve what you lost.
You grieve for what you will never get back.
You grieve because your life has forever changed and no one will ever understand that.
You grieve because you miss everything you once had.
Time goes by,
Then you grieve because you fear no one will ever want you again.
You grieve because it seems no matter what you do, not one ever meets your desires.
You grieve because if someone does meet your idea, they have no interest in you. Story of my life, LOL
If you see sadness in my eyes, it is just a reflection of my grieving heart.

Gobble Gobble day. I should be anywhere but here doing anything but wasting time. but my cooking is done and people are doing their own thing. And thus I am by myself again. Do I feel used and abused for my cooking abilities? LOL Of course. LOL No not really. So if you are by yourself today know you are not alone. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving in whatever you choose to do today.

The weather is a changing crisp cool days and right down chilly nights. My favorite time of the year. The hoodies have been brought out, extra blankets laid across the bed.
Everything about this excited me. Football games, falling leaves (as long as I don't have to rake them). Gobble gobble day is upon us once more. Nothing beats the smell of Thanksgiving Day food being fixed... Well maybe Christmas. Lol.
In all our celebration excitement let's not forget. we are blessed. Not everyone is so lucky to have a warm place to call home, or hot food, or for some anyone to share the day with.
When giving thanks this year send a little prayer to all those who are lost alone or in need.
It's not always about monetary means. It's helping when and where you can. Holding a door open for the person behind you. A kind word or gesture. Volunteering at food banks or shelters. These things may seem simple and unimportant, but you are wrong. One small gesture can change someone's outlook. Make their day better. Bring a smile to someone's face.
So be the reason someone smiles today. It's infectious.

Your so vain.... I could not resist. Cheesy I know but what you gonna do. LOL Well today it is about you. Feeling a little sappy and probably loopy. Lack of sex err I mean sleep will do that to you. So, guess you will have to deal with it.
My bestie. Yes, today I honor you in my blog. I have told you never insert yourself in my blog as this is my therapy. I mean that. But today you have every right to do so.
You have made my online life such a better place to be. I hope you know that. You never let me get too into myself and are always so levelheaded. Letting me know always it could be worse. (yeah, wondering if you say that to shut me up?) LOL You have a knack of also not letting me fly too close to the sun, meaning when my brain goes into overdrive, and I start over thinking Everything You always call me on it. I appreciate that more then you know.
Your smartass replies and banter are a constant source of joy for me. You make me laugh and smile all day long. What a gift that is. You also are really the biggest pest I have ever known. Honest... I swear I am solemnly up to no good. Normal right! LOL
I just want to tell you from my heart, thank you for allowing me to be a part of your world, for trusting me enough, for putting up with my goofy ass and my picks, pokes, and pinches. The random water balloons, and snowballs aimed at your big ole head, and for giving it right back. For caring enough about me to check up on me throughout the day and for always having my back. You know that goes both ways. You are without a doubt the best sweet cake pusher I have ever known... and you have my loyalty forever. LOL Or until the sugar wears off. LOL just kidding.
Not sure if you know it or not (Sure you do, as your Spidey instincts are far superior then all others) I value your opinion and like knowing I can ask you anything even at a risk of being teased. I listen to things you tell me and store that information away. You teach me things, things I did not even know I wanted to learn about. And I am not mad about that.
In closing I will say, I love and adore you dear friend. I will always be your biggest cheerleader, and fan. Now be nice to me or else! Remember I know things. Hahaha Hugs my KK. (I doubt you will even read this and never respond. Yeah, I know you.) The Brat.

What say you? I feel like I am entering a new chapter in my life. The valleys have had many ups and downs, crazy and fun adventures. The lows were gut wrenching while the highs euphoric.
Things and people I once held dearly and close to my bosom have seemed to be drifting away. I would have at one time started to panic and grab tighter to them. However now it seems futile. You can't make people like you, respect you and want you no matter what you do. Hard lesson learned. And if I am honest with myself and you there was a bit of a sting learning that lesson. Do I wish things had of been different? Yes. I wish I was smarter wiser and did not let people into my head to do their damage. When someone I love and care for tells me I'm not good enough for this or that I listen. Too much it seems. So much to the point I will let it stop me from trying to achieve what I was aiming for in the first place.
I have started to pull back and ask myself "Why?" What is the reason to tear someone's hopes and dream down to the raw core. For my benefit or theirs? I may never know. I shall put my shield up and protect myself. And bank the experience in my head to be retained for another time. I can tell you the old saying fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me, is true. Do not think because I did not walk away from you that it is forgotten. That there will never be any fall out from your choices and the way you belittled me and treated me. Making me feel small and my issues small and meant nothing to you. Because as much as you hurt me you did not destroy me. You just made me open my eyes and see the issue was and has never been me but you. However, there was a time I thought it was about me, was my fault. You were right I was not good enough smart enough, not perfect enough for you or anyone. As a result, I spent many too many hours of the day trying to fix myself to be perfect for you. A feat that is impossible and will never be achieved by anyone. Knowing this is like waking from a coma. The rest was healing but now it's time to live again. With or without you. That will be your choice not mine. I will not beg you and worry about your choices. If you wish to live the life you are living, then knock yourself out. But you will not drag me down with you.
I am allowing myself to be set free from the mental bondage that has held me hostage for far too long. So, in conclusion, I can honestly tell you. You could have been something remarkable and out of this world unique. You could have had one person in your life who would have never betrayed you, hurt you or lied to you ever. That was a rare gift to give someone. Watch your back as now there is one less person who loves you to the depths of your soul. Peace and love to all.