What say you? I feel like I am entering a new chapter in my life. The valleys have had many ups and downs, crazy and fun adventures. The lows were gut wrenching while the highs euphoric.
Things and people I once held dearly and close to my bosom have seemed to be drifting away. I would have at one time started to panic and grab tighter to them. However now it seems futile. You can't make people like you, respect you and want you no matter what you do. Hard lesson learned. And if I am honest with myself and you there was a bit of a sting learning that lesson. Do I wish things had of been different? Yes. I wish I was smarter wiser and did not let people into my head to do their damage. When someone I love and care for tells me I'm not good enough for this or that I listen. Too much it seems. So much to the point I will let it stop me from trying to achieve what I was aiming for in the first place.
I have started to pull back and ask myself "Why?" What is the reason to tear someone's hopes and dream down to the raw core. For my benefit or theirs? I may never know. I shall put my shield up and protect myself. And bank the experience in my head to be retained for another time. I can tell you the old saying fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me, is true. Do not think because I did not walk away from you that it is forgotten. That there will never be any fall out from your choices and the way you belittled me and treated me. Making me feel small and my issues small and meant nothing to you. Because as much as you hurt me you did not destroy me. You just made me open my eyes and see the issue was and has never been me but you. However, there was a time I thought it was about me, was my fault. You were right I was not good enough smart enough, not perfect enough for you or anyone. As a result, I spent many too many hours of the day trying to fix myself to be perfect for you. A feat that is impossible and will never be achieved by anyone. Knowing this is like waking from a coma. The rest was healing but now it's time to live again. With or without you. That will be your choice not mine. I will not beg you and worry about your choices. If you wish to live the life you are living, then knock yourself out. But you will not drag me down with you.
I am allowing myself to be set free from the mental bondage that has held me hostage for far too long. So, in conclusion, I can honestly tell you. You could have been something remarkable and out of this world unique. You could have had one person in your life who would have never betrayed you, hurt you or lied to you ever. That was a rare gift to give someone. Watch your back as now there is one less person who loves you to the depths of your soul. Peace and love to all.

Have you ever wondered if some friendships are meant to be fleeting or last a lifetime? .I find myself perplexed over this from time to time. I have kept my circle small all my life. I have never had a huge circle of friends. I have often times been blindsided by their lack of care or even gumption to work on said friendships. I know it is always two sided. It takes two to make any friendship grow and stay strong. I too have been guilty of sliding and not doing what I should to make a friendship strong. No excuses other than I am a crappy friend and for that I am sorry. I tend to push people away before I get hurt. Have done that all my life. Although I have tried to be a better friend. I work hard to keep them going. Although at times it seems no matter how hard I work just never enough. Maybe Karma's way of paying me back for being a Douch bag of a friend all those years.
I know the pain I inflicted and now I feel it myself. Maybe I am destin to keep a small circle or have no friends at all. Not like my life is a social whirlwind of excitement. My biggest thrill is finding a movie I love on TV and watching it. I can not put blame on anyone's doorstep but my own.
Then you have some people you love and no matter what it is a struggle. You push and fight for it, but always are left a little deflated. I have asked myself over the years are these worth the effort. it feels one-sided at times. The right answer is probably NO. but you still push forward hoping beyond hope they will wake up and see you are worth the effort too. Has that ever worked for anyone else? So far for me I am gonna say no. After years of going the extra mile I am still no closer or better off then I was before. The flaw must be me..
I'm not doing enough, I'm not good enough.. I need to try harder. I promise myself I will be more productive, and I will. Ohhh look Twisters onnnnnnn.. I'll start right after this movie.. it's my favorite ya know.. 😝

Did i ever mention i hate liar's? More then anything. Tell the truth. It hurts far less then a lie.
There are some truths that you know. You know when your ugly. You've had 50 some years of living to tell you that. Don't need a man filling your head full of lies. Telling you all the things he thinks you want to hear just so he can get what he wants from you. Ie cyber sex.. real sex.. or both. Only then to turn around and ghost you.
Why do guys do that? Yes i know they'd fuck a hole in a tree if available. Stop playing with our heads. Stop making us think there is even one shred of truth to the bull shit your spreading.
If a fuck is a fuck then call it what it is. Don't tell us we are beautiful sexy desirable when none of those things are true.. just tell us the truth. I am so fucking horney right now.. you wanna fuck. Honest.
I have seen this play out more times then I care to admit. You spend a great amount of time getting to know someone. Talking for hours. Making plans to meet. Even seeing their face via cyber or photos. So no shockers right. You meet you have sex promise to keep in touch. Then nothing. Its like you never existed. Stop! Just stop! Fuck! Just keep it real.
I have no one to blame for my needy ways. I guess i want more. I deserve more then the people i seem to attract. If i want to cyber Fuck you or even in real life. Own it. Hey friends with benefits. No emotional attachments. No expectations. A good time is had by all.
When you pump someone's head full of shit talking about the future you open thst person up to dreaming. It starts a cycle of self worthlessness. It is surely because i am so ugly. I have a face only a mother can love.
You can say well i don't wanna hurt their feelings.. stop! It hurts worse then not knowing. There are ways to deal with this and be polite and not lie to us. State from the get go what it is your doing. A fuck is a fuck. No needy bull shit.
I need to change me. I can't change you. Decide what i want. What i need and slow down. Yes i still need that sexual release. And i may wanna fuck you. But be honest. Hey we gonna hook up and then you will not hear from me again. A one and done sort of thing. Do not promise to call, text or we will get together again. No we won't.
Lol i come with my own bag.

It's almost 1 in the morning and I should be sleeping...yet another sleepless night for me. The fact that I can only sleep 2 to 4 hours a night should worry me. Yet I've lived this way for so many years it's become normal. My Drs see things differently and have tried to give me many pill that are guaranteed to knock me out. So far nothing has worked.
My mind never shuts off. It is always turning and thinking and pretty much getting me into some sort of worked up state. Oh no I have not talked to this person in five minutes they must hate me. Or I saw you online.. why didn't you say hello are you avoiding me. Yes I know it is nuts. I know these things stem from lack of sleep. Just wish everyone else did too. So they could hand me a Snickers and tell me to xxxxxxxx out of it.
I should be sleeping or if not sleeping at least in chat goofing off with the amazing people who are chatting there. Yet I am not drawn there tonight. Tonight I feel alone. I know I should not with everyone here. But it's a different kind of alone. The deep down is my soul even part of my body alone. Mind numbing at times. To reach out in the night to find no one there. The person you most rely on can not save you. At least not without drowning themselves.
Only 6 more hours and it will be daylight. I can do it. I do it every single night of my life. This is just another night... Just another night.

Oh Das I am gonna miss you. Hate losing people who became close to you.

Oh dear sweet necture. I need to get laid. Where oh where are you, brave man? I need a deep penetrating fuck that shakes me to my core. That leaves me winded and unable to walk for a short time. I need to be touched in that special way that turns me into the freaking cum slut of your dreams.

I'm starting the purge process... getting rid of dead weight. If you don't make it I am sorry Nothing personal.

I will never learn. I need someone to save me from myself. I'll never be good enough. 💔💧

When I say I am horny all the time I mean it. I seldom sleep so I have a lot of time on my hands. i am on the hunt for new toys. Have I mentioned I have broken every toy I have ever bought? One only 2 days after I got it. Sigh.. I have a strong sex drive what can I say. Do they even make industrial-strength sex toys? I used to joke god help the man who ends up in my bed. I'm scared I might break him as well. I can see that trip to the ER.. "So what happened here?" the ER doctor asked. Through tears of immense pain, he moans "She was riding me so hard it just snapped hurry doc reattach it quick" LOL I could be a dream girl or is that nightmare girl. LOL So fuck at your own risk. LOL Purrr Chomp!

I'll wait... Did I yelp? I did not feel a thing. Sigh Sad to say that pretty much sums up my life at the moment.
They say when it rains it pours... I know this to be true. My days seem to be drifting from day to day. There are times I honestly do not know what day it is. Do you know your body can survive on little to no sleep... it is true. Since 2021 if I get 2 to 4 hours a night I am doing good. I know it affects me mentally. How could it not? My desire to do anything other than the task I have to perform is all but gone. You wanna eat.... sure no problem, Here's some crackers, peanut butter, and a butter knife. Knock yourself out. Ohh you want me to take you somewhere... Sure I'll do it as soon as my will to live returns... that should give me a long wait.
Being a widower has xxxxxxxxxx me into situations I never thought I would have to be in. The learning curve is long and wide here my friend. No one told me the weekends would be mind-numbing. The lack of get-up and gumption went out the like yesterday's trash. Your self-worth was wrapped up in that old life that does not exist anymore. You have to step forward and be center stage now. You have to put on a show with the whole world watching.. waiting for you to trip and fall and make an utter fool of yourself. Some days you do good and start thinking I can do this.. Hahahaha yes live for the day it will be short-lived. You do learn as you go if you can force yourself to even attempt whatever "IT" is.
Let's talk about sex... Do you miss it? Yes, you do. Do you do anything about it? Sometimes. But it is not always easy. Sure you can come here and find someone to play with. It's not real and no matter how much you try to fool yourself it's all about self-gratification. Then you have the people who with good intentions say things like I would like to help you out.
Hahaha Like What?! Help me out. you just made me feel like a charity case so I am sure that will turn me on. Every woman wants to have sex real; or cyber for that matter with someone who is only doing it to be nice because they feel sorry for you. Err no your heart ain't in it neither will your cock or tongue.
I know this is depressing and for that I am sorry. No one wants to read the blog of Debbie Downer. So if you made it this far thank you. I try to live on the knowledge that like the waves they are ever-changing and moving. The currents taking you here and pulling you there. Never stopping. Even tho it can seem dark and scary we will survive. I will survive We have to keep moving even if the desire is not there yet. Maybe one day it will. Feels like I should belt out a course of Somewhere Over the Rainbow But I will refrain and that will be my good deed for today. Peace out my peeps.