I'm feeling much better today. I had a talk with Ash about everything, and got a few pm's that really meant a lot, one in particular from a person on this site I really admire, so to know someone like them understands what I'm feeling and that they could give such great advice, it just made things seem a lot clearer. It helps me remember why I'm doing what I do. And while things don't feel any easier, they do feel a lot less lonely.

Its during the really hard or rough times that I remember why I love this site and the people on it so much :`3

As if the day weren't bad enough, I spent the evening texting that former teacher that I totally still care oodles about though I'm not as romantically in love with as I used to be. Even still, I respect him greatly, but recently *sigh*

Well. It's just like every other guy. Sex. And I'm a pair of tits it seems like. I dunno... it's frustrating. I used to love that he saw me as an intelligent and creative young woman, but this past year or two it seems like everything that USED to make me special to him has faded into the background of my body and sexual promise.

And once, JUST ONCE, I would love to meet a guy and when he finds out I'm a virgin, and that I would prefer to wait until I've been in a long term committed relationship for at least a few years, and perhaps even with the prospect of marriage, to have sex, instead of saying: Oh wow... what a shame. What a waste. God, you're breaking hearts, there's so many guys that would love to tap that. What a *damn* shame.

Maybe one could actually say: Wow, that's really impressive. That's showing a lot of self control, especially in today's society.

But that probably sounds stupid, and men probably don't really think that. But he doesn't have to mean it. Maybe one could just say it. Because every time they say it's a shame, I feel like a moron. And every time I hear so much about how I'm wasting myself, I feel like a waste. Like a stupid waste. Like I've missed something big and obvious. And then I think, maybe this elevated opinion of myself should be dropped. Maybe I'm not that intelligent, or that talented, or that creative. Maybe I really AM just a body with big tits and some fairly nice features.

And maybe I should just fucking quite this facade of self worth and I should just find some guy, spread my legs, tell him to fuck me so I can get it over with? Because then maybe I could stop hearing 'what a shame, what a waste'. Because I suddenly am not sure what good this body is for anymore if it's not being fucked.

So I got up at 5 this morning and went in with mom and dad to the cardiac cath lab. Dad goes in for his cardiac catheter and mom and I stop by the cafeteria to get some breakfast, which wasn't very good at all. Mom had cold bacon, lukewarm biscuits and gravy. I lucked out. The only good thing from the meal was my bagel, an everything bagel that was semi-warmed by a busted up toaster. The coffee was disgusting, which makes me sad every time it happens, because coffee really is so easy to make.

By the time we get back, maybe thirty minutes later, they've already called for us to let us know how dad's doing. The doctor came out and told us that he was able to get the balloons open a little and that maybe in a few weeks he'll try for a bigger balloon. He thinks that the original stint was just bad to begin with, but he seemed hopeful that things might work out well. All the while he said this, he kept his eyes fixed on my tits. Silly man didn't even have the ability to be suave or discrete about it. But with the news that dad had gone in and out no problem, oi, I couldn't begin to care. And this doc has been staring at my tits for almost seven years now. I once thought about trying to get to know him and marry him (marry a doctor, yah know? Eh? Eh?) but them mom told me about his PREVIOUS relationships, such as how his ex wife put him through med school, THEN he divorced her, now he's married to one of his nurses. Just doesn't sound like my kind of guy lol

Anyway. Dad's doing fine right now, and hopefully with that blockage opened some he'll start feeling at least a bit better. *Crosses fingers*

I've always been worried about my pursuit into psychology. I know I'm not the nicest of people. I'm not. I lack the patience to always sound so sweet and understanding and nod my head with all the kindness of the world clear on my face. Nope. Can't do it. And I worried that because I lack that ability, perhaps I'm not meant for this field.

But today on tv I saw: The OCD Project, which is a program of people suffering from OCD being flooded with their fears and resisting their compulsions to assuage their fears. But the doctor that leads it all is Dr. David Tolin, who amazed me with how upfront he is. He doesn't coddle. He's understanding yes, and he can sympathize, but he doesn't coo and coddle them. Someone will say 'god I'm so scared,' and he'll reply bluntly 'you can't assume you created fear, that you're the only one that knows it. We ALL know fear.' Or if someone's cringing away from the their exposure and response therapy, he'll see them to a point, but if they're clearly refusing the treatment at all he tells them straight up to show some effort or leave.

And he's got a sense of humor I love xD

There's one point he's encouraging a woman to spread a drop of water from the gutter on her hands and he's saying: "It's the OCD macarena! Hands, hands, touch, touch, hair, hair, face, face!" as he does it.

And at another point he's having a woman drive over dummies and hit strollers and it builds to him throwing baby dolls at her car and as he's chasing the car and tossing these baby dolls and yelling about 'oh my gawd! she's hit my baby!!" he mutters to the camera "I went to graduate school for this."



I want to meet this man and shake his hand and learn from him *flail*

The parents came home, and after a really rough day of work it was nice to have them around. They look like they had a nice time, though dad mentioned that dad had a few rough patches, which just makes me worry and feel bad =/ He's going in for his cardiac cath tomorrow, and I'll be there for all of it since I've taken the day off and plan to get plenty of sleep, and bring plenty of coffee. so mom and I will chill at the hospital together and do our thing as we wait. Mom's closing tomorrow night, but she's ready to call in if she has to. And Saturday I'm only working a few hours in the morning, so when dad's ready to go I can take him home and watch him the rest of the day.

Filo's back in the house too, which is surprisingly nice. I didn't realize how much I missed her until she was lying at awkward angels in my bed and looking up at me with those BIG eyes and just looking so annoying cute and I had to love on her and coo on her. She slept with me last night, which was nice, because she's a major snuggler and doesn't make a lot of noise, and mom and dad got Noel in their room.

All around it was a pretty good night, excluding work, and I'd applied for a human resources job in Publix and got a letter that I wasn't accepted, which was rather disappointing. I was excited at the idea of getting away from working in a grocery store, but I'll get over it.

So Ash and I went to Waffle House for breakfast and all morning I'd been thinking for some reason I had work at 11, so I had oodles of time for breakfast, so we're chilling and relaxing and then Ash points out it's 9, and something clicks in my brain and it's 'oh shit, we better eat so I can get back to the house and change for work' xD So we do a strange mixture of taking our time and hurrying to eat and get back to the house, where I change and I'm looking and studying up on dogs I might want still. The list has added a new one, the Shar-Pei. So it's a toss up between three now, which drives me crazy. I'm still leaning toward the Akita, something about it *really* draws me, but I worry that maybe I'm not a strong enough of an owner for a dog like that. Not that I'm getting one within the next month or two, but still...

And then I go to work, pack out the entire bakery by the time I go to break (we were pretty slow >.>; ) and I meet up with Ash for lunch. I get back to work and pack out cookies and I'm done, two hours before I'm due off. My asst. manager asks me if I wanna decorate cakes and looking at the decorator side, it's just the one constantly bitching decorator and some other woman we had come in from another store to help. The big cooler is full of cakes, they've got key lime pies, the only thing that needs to be done is the decadent case, but I KNOW deep down, I'll be doing their key lime pies. So I say 'not really' and she laughs and says that's fine.

Then I mention to her that I was thinking, if we have time one day, maybe she could teach me how to mix. Because all I know how to do is pack out and do back stock in the decorator side, and the occasional kit cake, and I've done a few wedding cakes when the constantly bitching decorator wasn't around to stop me and the nice decorator let me help her out. But that's ALL I know, and I can already see the asst. manager getting into that comfortable swing of working me mid shifts. This has happened before with my last asst. manager. He worked me 7-4 every day, it was great, and then one day needed me 12-9, so I worked it. Fine. Then that's ALL I was working, and I NEVER saw my family. By the time I was up Dad had already headed out to have breakfast with mom and buy groceries, and by the time he got home, I'd already left for work, and by the time I got home, both were in bed or dad was literally about to go to bed. I don't like this routine. I LIKE seeing my family. They mean a lot to me, so going entire weeks when I can see them for a total of maybe five hours is just not okay in my mind. I REFUSE to be my mother >.<

So I mentioned to my asst. manager, maybe I can learn to mix. It gives me more things to do in the bakery, I can work the 4 AM-2 PM shift and I can see my folks. She says that we don't need to mix anything today, but maybe tomorrow. So I'm crossing my fingers maybe I'll learn a thing or two today. It'd be nice. I'm still shy about ever agreeing to learn how to do donuts or the baking part, because I KNOW I'll burn myself, and I've already done it a few times just grabbing for a rack I didn't realize was hot. And it's not fun. Nope.

So my asst. manager let's me off two hours early, I come home and do dishes and tidy up a bit, and then waited for Ash. She comes home, we make grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato basil soup, and watch Clue, and then part of the Three Musketeers before she's about ready to fall asleep.

At some point in the night I'm having a hell of a time sleeping. I'm a noise person. Some noises just don't bother me. like when my Droid goes off it makes that robotic "DROID!" sound, but I seriously never hear it unless I'm already awake. But small repetitive sounds get to me. Like my dog, in her old age, has taken a fancy to constantly licking her chops and smacking, so she will just smack for maybe half and hour, this constant wet, smacking noise, and it bugs the crap out of me. And then Ash sniffles all through the night while she's sleeping, which drives me INSANE. Because it's not tiny cute sniffles, its deep ones to clear the nose. So after about three nights of this, I finally put Noel out of the bedroom and closed the door and she was like 'psh, whatever bitch' and went to sleep in her own room (I'm so glad little I do anymore actually hurts her feelings lol) and then around 4 in the morning or so I finally told Ash to go blow her nose. I think she laughed and then around 5 she got up and went to sleep on the couch, because I was tossing and turning all night, which I do when I can't sleep. So we have this FANTASTIC combination of a girl who can't breath at night who sniffles all night but can't sleep it there's a lot of motion in bed, and a girl who can't stand repetitive annoying noises and can't sleep if they're going on and who tosses and turns when she can't sleep.

This explains why the past two days we've both been very tired lol

So Ash said she wanted up super early so she could go home and take a shower there in time for her hair appointment, which I pointed out why not just take a shower here? She's done it before in the past few days and I KNOW my bathroom isn't that bad, I cleaned the damn thing before she showed up. So she wants up early, but the catch is she's relying on her alarm. This is the same broad that will hit the snooze button every ten minutes for two hours. And I want my goddamn coffee, because I, like my sister, can be a real bitch until we've had our coffee. So Ash is getting one more snooze punch before I start grinding coffee and turn on the tv. I got two and a half hours before work and I am SO not spending it quietly working on my computer, coffee-less.

*Prepares the coffee grinder*

Woke up and went to work at 7 after falling asleep around 2 the night before, epic fail. I only had to work 4 hours though, thank God ._.

After I got off I met up with Ash at the house and we looked through the cook book a little for what to do for dinner and watched a bit of Zombieland, and then she had to go to work. The plan was that I would do more errands and then hang with her at the laser tag place, but I was fucking exhausted, so I ran to the insurance place, got that taken care of, went to the grocery store and got what we needed for dinner, and then I hit the bank, and that was it, and I let her know I'd been chilling at home today.

Around 6ish mom called and we talked. She said they were doing fine, as was dad, he'd only had two small episodes. She figured one was from the heat and the other was because they'd been trying to move a picnic table (*facepalm*)

Ash came home with a sing-songy 'Honey! I'm home~~' and I had dinner ready on the table lol We had soft tacos that were okay. I didn't realize how old the tortillas in the cabinet were, or else I would've bought new ones, but the chicken I did up was really good. I found two recipes on the interwebs, both of which I liked, so I threw them together. I marinated the chicken in lime, honey, cumin and a little peanut oil, and then on the skillet I cooked them up with cinnamon, ground cayenne pepper, minced garlic and more lime juice. I was very pleased with the results. Tangy and sweet.

We watched a movie, I showed her a picture of Noel when she was JUST a puppy, and then we went through old photos and cooed and awed in general, and she mentioned she wanted cookies.

Well... she's been hinting how badly she's wanted cookies for... a few days now. Every time I see her, she wants cookies. I keep saying 'go buy some,' but she doesn't want to buy them, she wants them fresh. So at around 8 at night I finally agree 'okay, let's make your damn cookies' and we're looking through the recipe at what we need, and I'm checking shit off. We end up only needing chocolate chips, so we drive to the store, buy them, and come back. We're making them, and having fun, and chatting about how no, she is not a sociopath despite whatever she may think, and then I go to grab one egg from the fridge and see that mom and dad took the eggs on vacation.

Shit. I forgot they do that. So we're standing there in just out night tops, cookies half done, in need of ONE egg, neither of us wanting to leave the house again, wondering what we should do. I go to the front door and check and see if my neighbors' lights are on, because if they are maybe I'll go ask, but it's not looking like it. So I'm about to close the door when I see my neighbor across the street moving from the garage. We throw on a pair of pants and go running outside me calling his name, and he looks all worried like something might be wrong, until I explain what we need xD

So we go inside and the lady of the house (who is just this ridiculously NICE woman, oh my gawd) gives us the one egg we need, and I meet this guy that I have NEVER seen at their place before. You gotta realize, we're all pretty close neighbors. We dog sit for each other and we all know what's going on in each others' lives, all that jazz, so the fact I hadn't seen this guy before threw me off.

But he was cute~ And he had something that insanely enough, really turned me on, a physical handicap. And that's going to sound totally weird I know, but when I meet someone that's missing an arm or a leg or is in a wheel chair or in this case has cerebral palsy, it really gets me going and I've never really known why. Back when I went to taekwondo all the time we had one guy there that had cerebral palsy and I remember that in my shy budding into teenage life years, out of ALLLLL these attractive, well muscled, perfectly fit and able men, HE was the one I was always attracted to most.

Ash and I came back to the house with our ONE egg and finished the cookies and talked about it, and came to the conclusion that maybe it's because some sort of primal survival instinct in me really admires someone who has a problem, but doesn't let it stop them. And also the fact that a lot of them actually have to focus more on having a personality than JUST physical appearance. And I remembered that from taekwondo too, that out of all the guys there, the one guy with cerebral palsy was the one I remember best, not because of his 'disability' if you could even call it that for him, but because we talked the most, he was the most laid back and comfortable around me, he was actually interesting and he WASN'T stuck up like the other cute guys there would be.

Ash is of the opinion I should try and get to know this fellow, because damn he had a sexy voice. Me, I probably wont, just because I've never seen him before in the 10+ years I've lived here, I'm not sure the chances of me seeing him again.

We had our cookies, watched Family Guy for a bit while we ate them and shared a bottle of wine. Then bed.

All around, a pretty good night. Now I'm going to bug her to get up, so we can go to Waffle House, because I fucking want hashbrowns. :3

First night was okay. Meal kinda sucked and I fell asleep earlier than intended, but it was a good nights sleep at least. I woke up around 6 the next morning despite myself and kinda lounged in bed until 7. At 12 I met up with Ash at her work place and hung out with her for a while. We grabbed lunch at burger king and split their two cheeseburgers meal thingy, and then we hung at the laser tag place again for a while. Around 6 I went back to the house and let Noel out for a potty break she did not use and then put her back in the bedroom. I got some dinner at a local Chinese place Ash and I love and we split a szechuan chicken and an egg roll. Then we worked at her place a few more hours. About 9 o'clock my ass was starting to fall asleep because I really don't stay up that late.

A new friend of Ash's stopped by to hang out with us because it was dead, so it was just Ash, me, this one 17 or 18 year old kid that works there, and then this other guy who Ash really wanted me to meet because she totally though we'd hit it off. Not so much. Ash told him in a previous conversation that I write porn for fun, and he wanted to bug me about it and read some, and I really didn't feel like sharing it. Then he finds out I'm more or less a virgin and the next hour with him is him probing why I'm a virgin, when was my last boyfriend, what did I last do sexually, why would I *want* to wait for marriage, etc. Really annoying questions I get all the time.

Why am I a virgin: Two reasons. One, I haven't found a man I actually want to have sex with. Two, I'd actually prefer to wait until I'm married or about to be married, because I feel like that's something I would prefer to give to my first husband.

When was my last boyfriend: when I was 16.

Have I ever done anything sexual?: Yes, my last boyfriend ate me out and it was an incredibly uncomfortable experience considering I had a cold, told him no fucking twenty times, until finally I said fuck it and let him do it already, and I was so tense the entire time wondering when am I suppose to come, am I taking too long, isn't this supposed to feel better, etc.

Why on earth would I *want* to wait for marriage to have sex?: Because I feel like it's something that I'd really only like to do with one guy. Sure, maybe the marriage wont last, but it's my fucking virginity and I don't want to give it away to some guy I've only been dating a few weeks to maybe a few months.

But what if your husband TOTALLY sucks at it?: Oh this is my favorite. The whole idea of 'gotta try on a pair of shoes before you buy them' thing. Here's an interesting thing though: guys aren't shoes, they're people too (le gasp!), no matter how fucking frustrating they can be. And if I have sex with my husband and after a while realize I'm really not enjoying it, I can do this crazy thing called: talking about it. Like, next time we have sex I can throw out there, 'hey baby, maybe you could do this for me?' Or 'touch me like this please.' And if it's still not working, omg, I can actually sit down with him and have an intelligent discussion about our sex life, because I'd like to assume the man I give myself to will be understanding and not so much of a fucking douchebag that when I say "I'm not being pleased when we have sex" he wont completely cover his ears and scream 'lallalalala!' at the top of his lungs to ignore the fact he's not my sex gawd.

*Deep breath*

And then this guy throws out the suggestion that maybe I should look into lowering my standards, to which I reply the last time I did that, I was miserable. Well that was when I was sixteen, he says, so times have changed.

Okay. I do want to be a relationship, someday. That sounds wonderful. But fact remains that I feel I should at least be permitted LIKING the guy I'm with. I don't think I ask for too much. My standards have been met before by plenty of other men. I think the big problem is that though. Men meet my standards, not guys my age. I usually fall for men in their late twenties to early thirties, but someone close to me? Never. And let's be frank, my happiness at this point in my life really doesn't depend on me being in a relationship. I'd LIKE one, that is without a doubt, and there ARE days that I want nothing more than something to love and to love me in return, and there ARE some days that I get REALLY bummed. But a relationship does NOT define me. And I will not permit it to define me.

And these guys need to quit thinking that I, in my delicate and nonsensical feminine logic, will NEVER find happiness until I spread my legs for one of them, let them fuck me, and then watch them go on their way with no more respect for me than they clearly did NOT have in the beginning.

So... *deep breath again* After that fucktard left, Ash and I went to get coffee because we were nodding off and hit a starbucks, where I informed her I wasn't particularly impressed with the guy and she apologized profusely for all the shitty things he'd said and suggested and explained that he hadn't acted like that with her, so she didn't know what the fuck he was doing.

We got our coffee, got the other dude some ice cream soft serve he'd been craving, and then heading back and hung out the rest of the night. The guy leaves around 11 and we close up at 12. As Ash is counting down the register, she finds a problem. She's short. By a lot. I ask if it's okay for me to count it down, because I used to work back office and to be honest, Ash just doesn't do well with numbers. She says sure, I count it down, and I get the same as her. We're about 77 dollars short, and she checks the report for the night and sees there were a LOT of voids. And then she realizes that we left the one guy here all by himself, and he had a friend come over and hang with him behind the counter while we were gone.

Oh dear.

So her dad's going to check it out. He tried to imply maybe I was the one that had taken a little, since I know the numbers to get in, but I hadn't been near the register all day. I basically sat at my computer and chilled and occasionally answered customer questions. No finger pointing at me.

So, we'll see what happens.

Today I only had to work a few hours, then I gotta run to the bank and the insurance place to pay my bills. Then I'll hang with Ash at the laser tag place again, but prolly not til later in the evening, sine, to be honest, I'm tired of all the glow lights and loud techno music and could really do for some quiet. And maybe a nap, since I didn't fall asleep until 2 last night and had to be up at 6 ._.'

She and I still need to figure out what we want for dinner and buy the ingredients. I know its easier just to be picked something up, but it's more expensive, and I dunno if my body can handle so many days of take out in a row.

Mom and dad have gone to disney for the weekend, not for rides or fun, but for relaxation. Dad's heart's been giving him some trouble again so he's going back in on the 18th for another cardiac cath, where the doctor's going to try a smaller balloon to open him up a bit in front of the stint. So mom and dad took the weekend before out for a break, so he can just relax for a while, hopefully it'll do him some good.

As for me, I've got the rats and my dog. Ash is planning to come over for a few nights too. Tomorrow through Tuesday I think it is, which will be nice, the company is needed. We plan to make Tiramisu, and we might see Splice as some point.

One of the poems we had to do for poetry this past semester was a Frank Stanford-esque poem, which is basically describing a scene using short sentences, no adverbs and few adjectives. It's like watching a movie and mostly describing what a person can see and hear. It wasn't my kind of poem, but I did an okay job. One of the things in poetry we also did was we traded poem with an art class, and they created art based around one of our poems. Two girls chose my Frank Stanford one for their final, and I was so excited at seeing them.

So here's the poem:

Last night I dreamt I was little again, and I could hear back then. But the silence in my house was deafening.
– John G. Rives

Rain splatters outside windows
Hers is open
She breathes the damp in through her nose
Exhales through her mouth
She shifts on her bed, the fabrics sighing
Rainwater drips off the ledge
Laundry sits on the floor
The room smells like must
Wind and rain gust inside
The blinds rattle
They clack-clatter the glass
She grabs a blanket
Wraps it around her shoulders
Over her head
The spider nestled crawls out
Touches her shoulder with fingertips and belly
Something shatters, she jumps
The dip of her throat hollows
She looks down as the spider strolls
Exhale til her stomach hurts
Fist knotted behind her bellybutton
Doors slam-open-slam
It wanders to her other shoulder
Stops
She cages her fingers around it
Throws across the room
She yells the same way her mother does
Yells beneath the you wanna see mad
You wanna fucking see mad?
She grabs a book from the nightstand
Creeps off the bed
She drops it
I’ll show you
It hits at the volume of a gunshot
She stares at the cover
She cries the same way her mother does
Eyes swollen, red
Snot trails from her nose to her lips
She picks up the book
Spiders don’t bleed
They curl up and in
Curl at the volume of a smoking gun



And then the art:




That one was mom's favorite. She was a little shocked and upset at the poem, because she couldn't understand how I could write such a dark poem considering I'd never had *that* kind of past. That one was nice, but this one was my absolute fav! I really feel like the artist got what I was goin for :3