getting Halloween and autumn decorations slowly set out around my place. Making it feel more cozy, I hope.

Cool wind blew through the living room window last night and chilled my bones, so I've already closed windows in most rooms now in our little home.

I'm creating and designing more jewelry. Finished some Aventurine and silver hand made earrings to night.

This week I've only got three days of work, and then a four day weekend. Crossing fingers and praying that my background check is good enough for them to follow through on my start date. I'm edgy and excited about it.

I'm grieving and rejoicing... nature heals me. so does deep cleaning weird but true.

I have good men as friends here and in person. I have hope for the future.

This is one of the hardest months for me since 2011...

3 years ago today, my sisters went to see our mother for the last time, in the hospital. She died on the 28th. My daughter had finally come to the realization that she was in a dangerous and abusive relationship with a young man who was trying to spread his seed with multiple girls he proposed to.. he lived with her. She came home the day my mother died. And the next day spent her first day with her dad since I'd kicked him out.

September was the last month I'd heard the voices of two of the most important people in my life. My mother in 2011, and my fiance in 2013.

In 2013 my fiance passed away in my arms after four days of me being by his side in his room in the hospice ward of rush hospital. I'll never forget the last two days.. and how blessed I felt to have bathed his dear emaciated body kissed his lips and shared our own unofficial vows. his whispered and mine spoken. I'd slept his past two nights in his bed... trying to avoid pulling on wires and tubes that kept him alive and then simply held my love close pouring every truth and ounce of my love and joy into him reminding him that I KNEW he'd done everything in an effort to survive and marry me... God knows how hard that man tried and how desperately he'd needed me as much as I'd needed him...

Last October I told a talk lanky man to leave me alone.. and held a past lover/friend in my arms feeling his rummy breath on my skin as he slept... less than a week later, in November I had him admitted into the VA hospital to detox from drugs and alcohol.

I watched the only man to prove he loved me pass on to the other side of life... almost two years after my own mother died of aggressive cancer. November is the month we had the funeral for both my mother and her father...

Today I shared something on facebook.. noted that my sister had reposted a photo of a drawing one of her daughters drew using our mother's senior photo as the reference.

I fell apart.. hot tears poured from my eyes and ran down my nose... bloody nose and tears like rain.... I threw myself into housework at 10pm. Dishes and then scrubbing my tub into my fingers hurt and the porcelain gleamed.

This year... I didn't have Lanky or Pedro holding me down, keeping me from the grieving I had needed so terribly...

This October, I'm making changes in my life.. no more worrying over my qualifications for the Reach bonuses and wondering how much of it I'd get. I'll have a job with NO overtime to take my focus and energy away. I'll have my 40 hours a week, regular hours and a job that has benefits that are better than I've had for too long.
I'm making changes... and hoping that between the new job and training for it... my jewelry making and sales and more focus on making things nicer in my life... I won't struggle and won't hurt so badly.

Alex died on the 21st just before 1am. Mamma died on the 28th less than an hour after I'd finally gotten to speak to her saying I love her and she can let go. Alex would be 49 on Halloween, had he lived.

I'm hurting.... aching so much... but I love the autumn colors so I'm throwing myself into photography and hoping to create some paintings of autumns glory. I NEED it. This time of year has been my favorite time. I need distractions from my sorrows and aching.

And so I've driven up the canyon twice in a week's time. I need it so much.

I wish that I could share my photos.. autumn in the Rockies and my jewelry.

feeling frisky...

kissing our lips lightly tenderly innocently at first...

your tongue darts between my lips and tangles with mine... the dance of heat and desire begins.. remember, my love... YOU started this... I'll enjoy following your lead and making the temperatures rise...
kissing more hungrily... opening to your penetrating teases... licking, flicking tongue.. hinting at what you want to do below my belly button...

your fingers explore and moans escape your lips as I follow your hints and teases deeper into you


your fingers excite me as they curl against my skin and tangle into my hair...

I hunger for you.. let me taste your lust like wine...
intoxication...

your hands travel over my body, relishing each secret revealed...

no bra
wet slit
moans and grunts and thrusts as you torture my body with bliss...

I want you

need you... now

Mmmmm feeling your hair tickle my skin as you strip my clothes off my body, revealing my soft curves...

I ache for you, lover...

pleasure me please....

lips follow patterned trails down over my flushed skin.. and whiskers heighten my senses...

oh God... yes!

Please...
moaning and whispering uttered words of worship across my skin

I help your hands and body as I arch to angle myself for your pleasure...

Oh, please... Now


your breathe sweet and moist wafts over my flesh...
I need your mouth on my wet pooling jewel of passion...
your lick, suck and nibble it and lathe my thick petal like lips, up and down each pair teasing, knowing it drives me WILD....

Cum.. my lover, oh, make me cum.. let me smother your face, buried in my sweet thick slick juices...

feast on me.. drink me, taste me... need me.

need my scent upon your fingers and chin.. bury them hungrily deep and lick me to orgasmic bliss...

make me groan out loud and achingly as you make me cum so hard I beg for mercy with my hands, pulling kneading and begging to feel you hard and plunged deep within my dripping pool of desire...

I need to feel your pulsing throbbing eruption too...

Let me see veins bulge as yo arch high above me and fill me with every inch and ounce of you....

ohhhmmmmmmm
fuck

I'm going to be the crazy rock lady at the rate I'm going...
*sigh*

I've got rocks in my head.

I still love birds and that's a bother, too... except for Baby and how she snuggles and gets so sweet or ornery wrestling with my fingers growling like a micro sized dog in my hand... goofy ball of fluff...

I'm working on my jewelry... like I haven't for years. I need to add my drawings and paintings, sculpting and leather goods, and maybe some wood, too, huh? shaking head.. slow down D... no working those fingers to the bones and never sleeping...

Hey Tux... maybe you need to be my helper then, and build me NN links to them, by popping them open for me from messages... whatdaya say... you willing to be my blog photo b*!(#?

I've been working on my jewelry more frequently, lately. Last weekend I finished four pendants... today, I created four more.

I'll be creating more, and more as the seasons change... focusing on things inside the home and internalizing life... trying to both focus on creation for joy and for a new business to build for myself... and, in order to have something to keep my mind working.... hands moving....
working towards my future.

I'm loving the sparkle and uniqueness in each creation. Nothing identical, except the hands that created them... I am the same, and yet not the same...

I need a trip up into the canyons, very soon... very soon.

I'm getting antsy. I need my renewal with the water.. cleansing my soul healing my light.

Hmmm missing snuggles and touch...
wondering what a mustache would feel like again, against my skin... curious about the taste of his tongue tangling with mine...

wanting to feel his fingers strong and claiming against my skin...

Dreaming again

Sigh... I take my life as a series of challenges, joys, experiences and lessons... right now it's all about patience and acceptance... I'm frustrated that my body isn't going to become as healthy as it was just a couple years ago without some real help. I'm so tired of this.

Everything I wanted to do this weekend seems almost completely out of reach. No Heber gathering, no Berlin Breaks concert, no Park Silly, no walks with my daughter, or hike (gentle stroll) in the canyon... and now, maybe no last day of the last year we're to have the Utah State Fair...
I refuse to let go of all of it simply because my body is coming undone... maybe that's why I created my jewelry last night... to at least do SOME thing that I love... an activity that generates peace and joy for me in any way is better than just crying and resigning myself to the frustration and the pain I've had no relief from for over a month now.

My legs are riddles with blotches that are odd subdermal bruising... explosions beneath the surface for no other reason but that I have a pulse, and I am alive.

I feel helpless, and lost and like everyone gives up on me...

am I ready to give up, too?

...No, I'd rather not....

time... I seem to have so little if it these days
but I've got plenty to do, plenty to care about dream about and hope for.

I need time
time for spending moments with my daughter... with family and friends that I love.

to explore this glorious world in which we live...
time for relaxing, time for healing and time to renew and become stronger again

time to accomplish something...

touching, kissing, exploring, tasting...

needing, wanting more...
so wet.... so wet

Mmmmmmm

I'm single... but I've got a dependent adult daughter...
it's not easy to have relationships let alone anything with a man because of her odd fits of jealousy and insecurity.

Jealousy is something I've seldom felt, but I admit that I have... when I've longed for something for years and someone I know hears about it, and buys it on a whim. Though mostly it's insecurity that bites me... I'm unfamiliar with feeling safe, wanted, needed, sure that I've got a place in the heart of... anyone, really. I've lived most of my life upside down and quietly, in a corner... NO, I'm NOT a bat... just a loner who on the inside is a butterfly who loves people.

I'm enough for me... I'm all I have to rely upon. I'm the one who's always here.

Still... I long for touch, for tenderness.. for the ability to trust and truly have it be worthily received and given... and maybe I can be allowed to love someone with all of me...
maybe...

one day