when I'm allowing self doubt to take over... I tend to sabotage my relationships... Ex, first, Lanky... and now... I could easily ruin every single relationship and friendship between myself and any one or all of the men who've acted interested at one time or another.
And, I worry that I'll keep on doing that, for the remainder of my life... all, because that little girl inside of me is scared of being destroyed again by the ones that come back... and the new ones, too. I've never had anyone want me enough to stay and prove it, and show me what he values in me.
All I did was ask my ex for two things he loved about me, that were about ME, WHO I was... and he rejected my simple request, and threw at me the demand in reply for every password to my accounts and full relinquishing of our bank accounts to his control.. MY accounts. All my secrets that had he been a decent or good man, I'd never had to build and hide in the first place.
Men who walked away claiming all I wanted from them was sex, and questioning what I saw in them at all... THEY'D been the ones to misinterpret my invitations for a BBQ, askance for help with an impossible chore for my weak body to do, or walk on the sands of the Great Salt Lake, or a walk in the canyon alone with me to signify LUST and sexual demands?
A man who constantly had to remind me he didn't feel that extra something he called being in love, or connection, with me... a man who kept coming back... and recently I've learned how he'd act so lonely and sappy when I'd be busy with my life, and leave him to his own devices... how he'd throw his relationship around in front of others, say, Dawn this and as I said to Dawn, that... why say these things, when in public treat me as if I'm invisible, and unimportant... forever searching for some body younger and not me
A man who claimed a powerful connection, forever ending up disconnecting after sex to use some version of something, alcohol, drugs TV... mutters of how it's only this good with me... expressions of awed wonderment at that and why it was always good when he'd been with me... the drinking or riding a wave of drug induced stupor was always my reason to let go of him...
men who wandered in and acted satisfied, happy and seemed to love spending time with me and had someone else on the side to wander off with and let go
men who simply weren't a match and I let go right away, to avoid another Sad Sack or bitterly rude viper
I'm scared... a scared child who was never what her family wanted of her. Whose daddy was absent and who learned that she was not good enough, couldn't measure up... and was too destroyed by her illnesses an medicines to ever be seen as a human being. A child learns terrible things.
I need to cradle that sad whimpering little girl right now in my arms... That poor little girl who's hopes for acceptance were shattered by mocking of her pain, and inability. Mocked and even beaten because she was different.
The chemotherapy I was on as a child was torture for my body. From the age of 9, through 13, I felt its touch... this was all because of a bad batch of TB testing serum that showed positive, when there was nothing there... incontinent, throwing up, loss of hair, inability to move without extreme pain in every limb.. and my mungs were ravaged. The wort part was the destruction to self image, and self esteem... as a child and , and teen... I was abused verbally and accosted by boys and girls about my looks.... add to it, the fact that I was struggling at below poverty level and wore Salvation Army rejects, literally... the snagged, torn, stained clothes that were unable to be sold.
I've made due with so much of my life.... I thought I had to make due with relationships with men as much as I'd had to with my family relationships and lack thereof.
I'm scared. I'm tired of loving and then being utterly destroyed and my love being mocked and pointed out as lacking worth.
I'm at a loss and I'm scared I'll continue to sabotage every vestige of a good thing I had, have, or can have in the future.
I'm tired of wondering and thinking I'll never be the one anyone wants by his side.
I'm lost.
