getting anxious here...

Have been experiencing the dizziness, fatigue, lethargy and foggy mind I'd had before.... and the heart flutters and skipped beats. Sweating over little movements and simple tasks.

I'm tired of this

I'm back on infusions.

Stuck at home again.
Waiting on results of the biopsy (cancer, precancer, or benign in my uterus); and of the labwork I just had ordered today at my appointment with my PCP.
I went to the 1st of three more infusion treatments ordered by my PCP right after the visit was done, or actually, the office visit was cut short in order to get me in ASAP.

Good news, she's looking at auto-immune disorders and other possible triggers to my anemia/hemophilia.

But this scares my daughter and enrages her as well. She thinks I'm not taking my health seriously enough. So does the man in my life. But then, at least he's being distracted by his own health issues. And, he didn't exactly show up on my doorstep to check on me even when he wasn't dealing with the agony of what he's got going.

I'm home. And I'll be resting a lot again. Just like this weekend.
I'm tired. and anxious, and weepy and feeling stupid for it. But that's life.
I'm alive. I'm still alive. I thank God for that each day.

Night.

from time to time a friend from real life.. whom I corrupted and had join this place.. reached out using messenger on the FB place...

He's sweet, genuine and cares.

Just like plenty of dears I love here.

My lover, best friend and boyfriend isn't a part of this place... he's never really bothered or been worried about my page on here. He knows I stop in from time to time... fantasizes about me relishing our trysts when we find the time and post the lusty words here....
and hmm, maybe I need to do just that...

I'm relishing what we experience in person and over the phone.
To be honest, the hour of travel cuts into our lives.... and while he's been out on unpaid leave from work for close to a month himself now... he's feeling the sting of paying out his huge child support payments, the costs of back to school clothes and supplies, the costs of clubs and classes that he ends up paying, gas for his daughter since she blows her money from work on the guys she takes out, and her friends whom she wants to impress as someone with money to waste in frivolity.

We don't see one another often enough for where we're at now emotionally. But we both are struggling physically and emotionally asa well as financially.... so, we accept what we have and can do.
Sex isn't something we even have monthly... if we're lucky we have a night or two or a night and day, to revel in tangled sheets and sweat and the natural musky sweet and thick odors in the room after we've worn one another out once, twice or more...

I miss him. And I'm finding that I NEED him more and more... we've become more bonded than I'd imagined... and it's sweet, natural, calming, strengthening as well.

I'm still afraid of my kind of love being unwanted, undervalued... and let go of.... mine is more... comfortable security, open emotions and touch... honesty and trust.... working together with a purpose. It's not built on emotional and sexual reactions...romance and heated passion. It is built up by those things, though... the reminders that I crave as much as he does, for the attention lacked in our pasts.. the natural responses to touch, licks, nibbles, kisses and caresses. Sensuality fortifies my kind of loving... so does heated lust filled carnality, with no pain, no punishment, no bruises unless by accident, like when I bump into a wall when riding him hard, too close and misjudging the distance when in throes of passion and orgasmic bliss...

Mine is built with snuggles, huggles and warmth of connection, touch, feeling safe, desired and wanted... feeling comfortable calm and peace... the heat wears down to crackling embers and tangled legs, with sheets twisted around bodies that have felt completion...
That calm peace of connection. That certainty in being a couple is the most lovely experience I've had.
I've never heard him say he loves me. He loves what we do for and to and with one another... yet, I know I'm needed, desired and wanted... I know I'm the only woman he wants to be with, and that there are plenty of them hitting on him, flirting, asking, checking as to availability and interest. He makes a crystal clear point that he's got something he's always believed in and wanted, with me... He's a natural flirt, can't help it, just part of his personality.. but he sets women straight and explains why he's so satisfied and so sure of what he wants and with whom.

I'm not the flirt I was not so long ago... I've been broken by too much agony and too harsh of nightmare experiences... I'm simply me... A woman who knows her gifts and embraces her sensuality and sexual self as is... as more than good enough.

I'm just me... I'm grateful for someone who's here for me, and wishes he could be with me more regularly. right now... we're not in the position to live together. We cannot afford it for a while longer... we're both struggling with health issues and huge medical debts and continued procedures and treatments, and surgeries... and our children come first.

We cum when we can find the solitude place and time... good thing we fit very well.

I deleted that last bit of depressive frap.

No one needs that.

Today was my biopsy. I took the entire day off.
My gyn was stunned at how well I took the pain.
I simply informed her that my cramps are much worse than what she'd put me through.

Tomorrow morning is my boyfriend's second procedure. I just hope they can fix his issue and remove that stent so he no longer feels like his testicle is in the grip of some sadist asssss

Next week I find out which kind of surgery I'll be getting. Surgery for a very nasty D and C, or a full hysterectomy after radiation or other cancer treatments.

This, whichever one needs to be done is only for one health issue to be resolved.
It in NO way can fix my bleeding from my nose, my bruising and bleeding from other orifices nor the veins and capillaries rupturing spontaneously.

This will simply resolve the nightmare of nastiness within that uterus. I'd still bleed out from there, as well as all other orifices until my blood issues are controlled and managed.

But, either way... I accept that there's a good chance of need to prepare for cancer specialists to become involved.

I appreciate specialists who lay it out honestly and prepare me for the likely outcomes. I respect physicians who respect my intelligence and ability to handle the honest truth.

I can deal with facts and truths.
I detest being treated like a weak and vapid person.

Anyway... laying down my truth...
I'm grateful for honesty. For people who want to see me win this uphill struggle and those who believe I deserve to receive the best of care.... not just blanket and mask things.

I'm not close to done yet with this nightmare of blood issues and potential for others. But I am alive.
That's what matters.

went back to work today.. I think my body decided to rebel.
A nose bleed... ugh... I need to either get someone to fix my carpet shampooer, or buy a new one. Right now, my money is tied up in my new to me Ford Escape Hybrid that I LOVE.. and in medical debts.

One of my coworkers reminded me of the Critical illness benefit I've taken out, and the short term and long term disability plans as well. He kept finding me to add a little more support. Hes a sweet man who has a huge white mustache and an even bigger heart.

Anyway the colonoscopy and esophageal endoscopy only found a polyp that was precancerous and benign in my colon and two nodules in my esophagus they cut out.
He's one of the best Gastroenterologists in these Southwestern states... so I felt lucky to have him helping me and letting me know that if my PCP won't take advice from the two other specialists I've seen to let him know and he'd see what he can do to make things happen for me.

I know I'm dealing with scary things..... you don't want to know what I've been told are the likely options as far as diagnoses. All I know is this... I've seen shock and stunned looks on faces as I share my lab results and the refusal to provide further support by my PCP. And I've had people say how can you even be here... alive.

Huh.. soooo maybe... I was actually a walking talking zombie, by the sound of things??? Not enough oxygen to support my heart, lungs, or any other organ.. kidneys are having issues with infection....

I'm now seeing the faucet gusher nose bleeds again thanks to the doctors for filling me up with iron temporarily.

My new Gynecologist plans on biopsies.. and pointed out that I've got a large hard something in my uterus... and I'm NOT liking that... though also not surprised since I've tried to mention to providers that I'm gaining girth but not weight...

I got lots of glad you're back sort of greetings today... and one woman I enjoy visiting with asked if I'd lost weight.. I told her that I'd dropped water weight from the fluids I've been retaining in my face, belly, arms legs and feet.... Kankles suck. And I'm still carrying fluid.

Anyway... I'm hoping for things to work out well...

Since I've been home I've been helping with my guy's kids due to his Ex having chemo for her MS and radiation for her cancer of the pituitary glad. She sucks the life out of those who do not accept her BS.... but she for real does have MS and other issues... kinda Karma kicking her when things are down... I know her and I don't really wish her luck on her... more on her.. less on me though.

Anyway... I had kids stuffed into my little creaky apartment over night and for daytime visits too... I also ended up helping clean out and off the boat... and then ended up in a hospital waiting for my guy the next day... to get out from emergency surgery and stayed with them for a few days.. What a sucky 4th for us... a gimp taking care of another one. Friggin monster kidney stones the size of a hmm golf ball.. uh huh.. yeah, that'll pass on it's own... he's gotten it sonicked up so it's smaller now.. but it'll take another one or two more times for that thing to bust up and pass... Yeeee OUCH!
Cheesy smile...

I adore my man though... I have to say he's kinda special to me... He's my Lay Down Comic... I let him eat my pussy, ride him well... suck his cock... and then he just lays there. cracking jokes and doing impersonations of actors and singers, and does a a few different English and other accents that keep my smile all huge and nutty... When he starts singing I'm screwed... He's got a rumbly and sweet voice with a vibrato.

But when he flexes his forearms I'm a puddle of goo.... Jeezzz yes really, they're pornographic the way the bulge and move.... Fuuuuggghh... seriously.. bulging muscles... rock hard.. twitching under skin... yeah. I get to touch em too.

My daughter has been terrified of losing me and ending up with only that Sh!t-head of an ex as her only living parent... he's still horrible and manipulative with her... She can adopt my man as her new better version of a dad..
I plan on pushing through this and believing in the best.. so I'll make it... and please just send a prayer or reiki or positive up for me my kid and my guy too.. NO prayers for strength I'm damned well stronger than I look.... Just that I really do need to get to see the much needed blood specialist once we know the results of my gyn's blood and other-matter tests...

I've been on a medical leave since June 6th.

I'm fighting and finally getting some help thanks to the feedback of nursing staff at the infusion center where I've had 3 infusions of massive doses of iron for my severe and at that point critical anemia.

I'm doing better than I have for at least a year... temporarily.

I've seen my new PCP since April. It took until she listened enough to do testing on my blood beginning of June. By then I was trying to avoid saying good bye to those I love, but was pushing myself to spend any time I could on the phone or in person for what I believed would be last times for sweet memories for them, and for me to cling to.

I've spoken with specialists, nurses and am looking forward to more specialists reviewing my health and checking for any issues that would be causing me to be bleeding out internally and eternally.

Hoping for a simple reason, like hormonal imbalances and stress triggering my female issues as they used to.

I bleed watery orangy pink stuff... from nearly every orifice now. Not the rich red blood I should have been bleeding. It's improved since the infusions but still is too thin from the naughty bits. I'm still bleeding from my urethra too.

Anyway... I bleed from any opening possible. Like my ENT said from all of the openings that provide a quick way to have it leave my body.

Good news... I think. Get to have my colonoscopy//esophagogastriduanumoscopy today. From this we shall discover whether or not this would be one of the worst case scenarios or not. Hoping and planning on it being a relatively standard screening with no terrifying news.

I'll have other services in the near future.

I'm alive which would not be had I not hung in and focused on life and what I want out of it.

I'm still supporting my daughter and she's having to do more, to take care of herself as well as to help me.

I'm still seeing the man I adore...

We've worked and talked through a few challenges and fears of his. He's an over-thinker. He admitted that last night. I agree... so is my daughter. They make worries balloon into overwhelmingly huge issues where there is nothing that huge at all.

They are both afraid of change, acting as if it is too hard to choose to move forward and to make life simpler for themselves and those they love.


Fear.... destroys hope. Fear breeds distrust or at least is based on a lack due to past experiences or trauma. I know it well. I lived with it for most of my life. Especially from those I've loved.

Love cannot conquer unless it is allowed to do so. Love is meaningless in some relationships where this is the case.

No matter how much I love the people who matter most to me, it is up to them to embrace or reject the reality of that love.

Anyway... I'm analyzing everything these days.

Some lovely thoughts before I end this...

Drives up the myriad of canyons here infuse and rejuvenate my soul with the simple pure nature i experience up there.

Being able to make more money, pay off almost $10k in dents and buy a nice used SUV with cash for just over $8k was empowering to me.

I've enjoyed watching children I love enjoy my daughter and my happy places. And I've been able to enjoy life more richly since I've accepted my own frail mortality.

I went to a wedding with the man I adore just a weekend before this last one... Me in a dark blue sheer short dress with a plunging neckline... Imagine that, lol. Bad girl spoiling it... My guy was in dress black jeans, gorgeous formal dress shirt ( I NEED to give him some of the silver cuff-links I've made), with a bolo tie and his dress cowboy boots and hat. God knows I grew up loving cowboys an wearing cowboy boots myself... I guess it just makes things nice. We had pictures taken in a "Booth" at the reception. We each got a copy of the photos. I love them.

I'd love to have this man in my life for the rest of it. Whether or not he will stay remains to be seen... though he admitted just this weekend that when we talk of plans for more boating trips... He's pictured himself driving a long comfortable SUV, versus the misery of stuffing three teens and three adults into a truck with a tight fit, for hours worth of driving.

I hope he's capable of changing and moving forward... of proving that he sees a future that includes US, not just him and his three.

If not... I'm making changes and plans for more whether anyone else wants the changes to happen. I have to.
I plan on living life as fully as a can.

came back for a peek and decided to add an update...
busy with life...

my daughter will forever be a focus for my heart and mind...
and the children, friends and family of the man I'm dating.
November early... will be an anniversary for us. Loving and passion must go slowly though... He reminds me of why we're going slowly... one aspect is the alimony he feels I deserve to continue receiving every penny of until the time runs out. I understand... and yet, there are times I admit to being too eager to experience more and more and more with him... daily life.

And then... I realize that there will be quips and comments that rile one of us with a careless word. Like comments overdone about why he's adding hot sauce to my bland food that happened to get more bland with freezing and adding frozen veggies to it...

Or over thinking what he's seen of my daughter's reactions and behaviors and conclusions drawn to the point of reminders that he can let go and walk away easily if he had to, to protect his children or avoid his own nightmares from the past.

This past week I was crushed by both these things... thinking of how emphatically he rattled off horrible and very unlikely things as what-ifs and his reactions to them and how he'd simply walk away from me.

I have been threatened with what if's and if this happens again, or if you don't... I'll leave.. or rage filled screams telling me to leave and how little I was valued... things from my past. His words reminded me of another much more violent and terrifying soul.

I cannot fight for a relationship like I did for decades longer than deserved. I will simply walk away if I"m not wanted or needed... or accepted at face value instead of a relived nightmare that is not nor ever could be ME.

I adore this man... and recognize that his own PTSD and mine could end this in the future.

I hesitated this weekend. I felt hurt and did not accept that he had hoped for me to go experience his friendship with another woman... I let him see her as she was... and stayed home alone to take care of my own life instead... Housework and the agony I now experience during my monthly cycle (he calls it the visit from Aunty Flo and friends) Sciatic and sacroiliac nerves pinched and torturing me... and an ovary that likely has a cyst or polyp needing to be drained. I'm in absolutely overwhelming pain during my monthlies now... As if normal average issues aren't enough *sigh*

But I realized that he had hoped I'd show up there.. because he wanted to have her see what he has in me... and be there because I'm me... and because I know I'm the woman he craves desires and enjoys.. at least for now. He admitted that the meeting with her was awkward and uncomfortable at times. Both of them experienced the boredom expressed by their kids. I promised that if there's another opportunity I'd be there, for sure... for all involved.

Anyway later... I insisted that I WOULD be there for the rest of the planned activities. I promised and apologized for not being there for what took until late tonight for him to admit wasn't all that comfortable and cheerful as envisioned with his BFF. Tonight was the family birthday party for those with September birthdays. Nephew, brother, daughter and the girlfriend of the nephew all had birthdays within days of one another.

I love his family. I was told by one hugging young person as they were readying to leave, that they'd be there again later this month or whenever... for the October birthdays. I'd only brought one gift.. I'd given my sweet 16 "daughter" her gifts earlier in the month... I'd made some earrings for the girl who brings sunlight to hearts she's a sweet addition to the family... I'm looking forward to giving a gift much like that to the niece-in-law as well... I love to create things of beauty for those who matter to me.

I miss my daughter in the weekends.... but she's happily exploring her own new relationship. I love her.. and her little sibs miss her, and need her.. so I hope she'll spend a weekend with them, us... in the near future, too.

Anyway... I'm still dating a gentle voiced man with muscles over built due to the work he does.. creating bulges where most never have them. I don't mind. I admit I like playing my hands and fingers over those bulges and kissing and nibbling massaging and making love. It doesn't happen much... but when it does we savor it.

have you ever been so comfortable with a relationship that you wonder what's wrong with you?

nodding pointing thumb at my naked chest... that's been me lately...
I get confused..
but honestly we've got something fun, calm, easy and energized...

I like what I have... I know him well enough to know slow is nice and relaxed... and so much safer than the foolish dive in and hope things will become that way... they did for momentary glimmers... just never really had anyone so happy to have me in his life.. this close... or even as long as this has lasted.. there's still so much to share and experience and learn...

I never was able to be a real girlfriend ever in my life 'til now... I wonder if I'm doing it right... or as with the other longer experiences.. am I giving too much and expecting/asking too little again?

This man's voice soothes me, quite a bit like Alex's did... only he is here.. he's seen me go looney... and adored me anyway... I didn't dream of him.. I will never forget hearing Alex's voice before hearing it on the phone... in a dream. God I still miss him overwhelmingly once in a while...

and then... I am just so grateful to have a giving gentle voiced and strong kind soul want me to stay in his life and that of his children.

tears streak my face because I honestly never understood why or how anyone could love me... I was such a lonely broken child... I just figured I was pariah.. by the definition of that Indian word.. I knew that was me.. untouchable... unwanted and unacceptable. I was not important or treated as well as any of the other children my mother's side raised. Mother and Gramma hated me and my blue eyes and freckled skin... anyway.. that is my past.. it just, lately has jumped out and shaken me a lot lately.. memories knock the breath from me.. and I wonder how did I survive?

Why am I even capable of trust let alone love and gentle kindness... there must be something wrong with my love... to have been so torn and flayed.. so hated and broken by those who were supposed to love nurture and protect me

that is my nightmares coming back to life breathing sour sulfur and putrescence... nightmares of my childhood reality.

I have been hurt deeper and longer than I ever want to fully face... I find myself holding back and remaining aloof emotionally.. safe

I love... I'm just not sure if anyone can handle me at full strength.

Sigh
anyway... this relationship is still new. there's a long way for me to go...

Hmmmm, snuggling up close... his legs wrap through mine... pulling me deeper into his strong arms against his broad chest covered in silver and honey gold curls...

Feeling him twitch and lengthen against my soft fleshy backside... I press myself closer, mmmm, stimulating his desire.

I want him...


Groaning deeply under his breath, he tucked her warm soft curves closer... feeling how much she moved him to full arousal... his blood pounding in his chest, and ears... heart beat.. and hard on... He was still amazed at how quickly this woman aroused him... making his blood boil until he couldn't hold back his need and desire for her... Her sexy low chuckle... as she nibbled his neck... or maybe the coo as he teased her into a creamy frothy bliss.. thick fingers delving into sweet musky slickness between her legs... his mouth watering at the memory of thick sticky fluids clinging to his chin and lips... he just had to taste her again... Groaning he turned her and hungrily... no.. more like ravenously and greedily licked down into her velvety folds...

Girl, you taste incredible tonight...

Mmmmm, Baby, she keened... pulling his head deeper into the middle of her thighs.. gently rocking against his lips, tongue and chin... soon coating him with her wetness... He groaned feeling her cum richly around his thick tongue...

Pulling at her thick outer lips with his teeth then pulling the softer wetter inner lips, long, and soft... licking own them into her pussy... swirling his tongue back to her ass hole... whispering against her..
God, you're so hot... I won't be able to hold this much longer, Girl... I NEED to fuck you tonight...
Turning her over, lifting her hips off the bed and lowering her shoulders to the mattress... he angled himself over her... twisting and gyrating to feel her wrapped around his growing cock... thick swelling with a recollection of how intense her orgasmic pulses felt the last time.. squeezing, milking and pulling his cum out into explosive lusty bliss...

Fuuuuck, he cried out ... I'm cumming faster than I thought...
All it took was her sweet pussy milking him hard.. demaning he feed all he had to her...
MMmmmm

venting about some people on this site...

Novices beware.... I DO NOT HAVE SEX FOR PAY.... I HAVE NO PIMP... I choose who I lay with fuck grind jump, whatever you want to call it.

Sigh... I don't mind flattery or men admitting their desire. But outright disbelief that I wouldn't have sex for PAY? Outrageous.

I'm an older woman who's never taken PAY for sex. I've given it gladly and foolishly, too. And I've had it taken through absolute violation of my person, my heart and soul.

I'm an adult. I get paid to do a real life JOB with the reward of being able to help people with their issues and suggest secondary ways to find assistance in their communities.
I'm a real live human being. I'm a sister, daughter, mother, aunt, great-aunt... I'm a friend, a cheerful supporter to those who need to be lifted in times of woe... I don't get PAID for those jobs.

I was married before I had sex the first time... a naive virgin... yep, that's who I was... poor foolish little girl. I stayed too long with someone who made me feel cheap like this young man just tried. 25 years of abuse... I'm worth more than that lout of an ex ever saw in me.

I was engaged to someone who taught me my value and fought to live for and with me... he lost the battle to his metastasized cancer... It was spreading like wildfire while he was being treated with both radiation and chemo therapies...

I've given up my home, turned down offers of pay for me to be part of porn for decent wages... that money would not have made up for the danger and damage I'd have sustained. I turned down propositions of being my sugar daddy, or having me be a kept woman... I turned them down. If I'd wanted that kind of lifestyle I'd have already found it.

I'm proud of walking away.. broken and damaged, but alive, from a very terrifying and dangerous marriage... I'm alive. I'm FREE. I'm ME.

I have real and treasured friendships here. I love some of them more deeply than others, I admit... I love people throughout the world because of this site... and I've spread that love to other people that I know... a band I know here in Utah met a gentleman from this place due to my friendship... He chose to reply to their question, "so how DO you know D?" with, "we met on Facebook." I adore him and how he felt the desire to protect my image with those young men whom I cherish.


Anyway, today I was appalled by a PM'd comeback with, "Not even for $$$?" after I'd said no to his initial query about sex with me. I found myself frustrated with each attempt to explain my position. I just couldn't get it expressed well enough to feel he'd respect that and not spit disgusting words and suggestions towards me for rejecting him.. I've had ugly and scary experiences here and on supposed dating sites that too many use as hook-up sites... If I'd wanted a hook up, I'd have taken countless offers into consideration by men I trust here on this site...

Anyway.... I BLOCKED the young man. I simply made a choice to not communicate with someone who doesn't see any reason to treat women on here with respect.

I sometimes feel it's ironic to still be here... but the friendships I've made here keep me coming back... and so, I'll stay a while longer.


Right now... I'm still struggling with memories and old grief resurfacing from the past.... My mother's mother died on Monday morning. She was abusive and brutal to her family. Controlling and determined to rule with an iron fist... I remember her rage when we were preparing to bury her husband and to deal with my mother's ashes... She'd wanted to bury our mother's urn at his feet in his casket. Noooooo. No way. I recall how she pitted her own children against one another... Pitted us against each other as siblings, too. and pitted cousin against cousin. She was cruel and loved contention and discontent.

I wish, how I wish I could bury all of that damage with her... but there's one aunt who has never forgiven her mother and is sure that everyone else was treated better... and taught her own children to loathe and despise their cousins... They each picked up her habit... She's a kleptomaniac who leaves your home with something she just had to have... I feel sorry for bitter people like that, who feel justified and vindicated in such choices.

Just like jimmpatt... having the determination to make a 50 year old consider being paid for sex... Nope. I'm not for sale. Sex is a pleasure to me... a part of my core. I need that sexual connection between myself and someone I choose to be with. It is my gift.. and theirs to share with me as well... at least, that's what I believe.

I have a man who calls me "girl" and counts the months since we started dating. We're working towards the 9th one already.. and he's proud of it. He's the first to actually be with me in person and call me his girlfriend officially and proudly. Not another soul ever has. He still can't seem to wrap his head around the fact that I WANT him.. and that I offer sexual bliss and play as often as he desires it. He doesn't understand that I offer only that which I can give. I know how little I have to offer anyone. I'm so broken, damaged beyond what I dare share any longer... I've found that sharing the graphic details of my horror filled childhood and marriage makes men see me as too damaged to want or see as human.. Sad, but true. This is my reality. I've shared too much with him already.. even so, he sees me as of worth and beauty and wraps his strong arms around me to hold me... and kisses me magnificently... as if he really wants me... for now. He's not sure enough of anything. He doubts too much to believe... so, we won't progress as most couples would... I accept that this is my last relationship like this. The only one like this to be honest. I've never had a real life boyfriend ever... really, truly, never. I don't expect to have anyone want this with me again, once he's done... I accept that my relationships with men are only temporary. They pass me by eventually... But this... well, this is the only time I've been called girlfriend and proudly introduced as such. It's novel and nice. I'll treasure it as long as I live because it's the only time I've had this level of comfort and kindness and... well... He's the only boyfriend I've had in person. I had that yes, with Alex... but we were 1300 miles away.. and he cheated on me. He couldn't have me, so he took what he had close... That still hurts to know that.

This one has a high sex drive, but has had to go without more than he got while married and while dating.. so he says there's no need to worry about him cheating... that he's a one woman man. He chose me and to make a commitment to be monogamous, believing his Best Female Friend (BFF) claimed she'd divorce but had never followed through, plus when he shared my hesitance, and expectation that he'd dump me for her IF she did indeed divorce... She encouraged him to give my offer of dating a try. She's now been asking if I'm jealous and if I'd worry and be upset when he spends time with her later this year when she's here for a wedding... He'd been quick to say no. He informed her that I know he's not a cheater and that there's nothing to fear. He's right. But he keeps mentioning that and that does remind me that she was his fantasy... and that he still likely thinks of her and what-ifs. I understand... and unlike her and whatever she's thinking... if he finds he wants her more... I will walk away. Because I no longer stay with someone who doesn't want what he has. I stayed too long with a husband who fell in love with multiple other women and apparently has a child with someone. I will no longer stay with a man who says, no ,don't give up on us, wait... I could learn to love you. No. I will not be a toy coveted and locked behind glass. I will not stay and be in the way of someone else's fantasy... IF that becomes an issues. I have no time for heart aches and drama. I have little energy left for anything. I'll use it for positive and joyful experiences.

I have value. I respect myself. I've fought hard to make it to where I am today.

I share my body now, with someone who doesn't see any relationship lasting other than parent and child. I understand. And, I accept that because of that mindset, this one probably will not last for long. For now, I'll embrace him and his children with all the love I have for them... and accept that they may not ever recognize how much they mean to me, or how dearly they are loved by me and my daughter... That will be hard if this doesn't progress.... but then again... does the might be or could be really matter? No... just what is here and now. Nothing more. I cannot expect or hope like I used to. I've been taught very clearly that I've no right to hope or to want more than I have now, while I have it... All I'm allowed is to be thankful for what I have while I have it. And to savor it later and be thankful I had anything good at all.

Grrrrhhh was venting about the audacity of a young man who tried to convince me to do something for pay. I refuse and will reject that kind of offer as long as I live and love myself enough to hold myself as someone of value. I think that's going to be as long as I live.

this morning early... my last grandparent passed away. We'd gone to her little apartment in the assisted living center to say our last good-byes as well as to pull the plug and allow her to pass comfortably and with family...

I'm tired... with little sleep and too high a level of stress I'm not doing well... anemia and bleeding issues are taking a lot out of me... and my lungs don't work like they should...
But... I'm alive. My daughter still lives with me rent free and I still have the support and positive of dear friends a few family members and a boyfriend who cares as well...

I'm exhausted... and I'll do my best to rest.