today wasn't a bad day... work was work... I was able to be of help to several people.. as in capable of truly gaining their trust, confidence and able to get something done for them. God, that's the reason I stay with this job that pays diddly... to be of real assistance, to comprehend their need and provide a micro sized miracle now and then for someone.. is a very rewarding thing on its own.

On my little lunch break I called that man I love to both visit and share how things are going with my little household as well as check on my darling. I miss him but also know he'll be weak, exhausted and needing sleep most of the time now. We will most likely go without contact a few times a week.. as days slip past him with no ability to track the time in between. And meanwhile my daughter, too is struggling with her health... in a weakened state she is fighting to stay focused and capable. My poor dear kidlet.

Today Lanky came over to work on pumpkin muffins with me.. we've had fun talking over gourmet combinations.. we both like to cook, and long ago, I made pastries, desserts, and gourmet everything. My ex was/is one impressive cook.. a chef amateur, who's sense of combinations was what impressed me hugely.. creative, inventive and willing to research like the scientist he is.. to create in a short cut way.. something that tastes authentic and fantastic. Anyway, I was enjoying tweaking my Kitchen chemistry experiments and using lanky as my assistant and guinea pig.. heh heh.. and xxxxxx him to take 1/2 dozen muffins home with him.. I know.. horribly cruel, right???
I'm taking a dozen to work with me.. first come, first served, I say... keeping three at home, for myself.. my daughter had an allergic reaction to the pecans in the muffin she ate.. so yeah, they really ARE mine. I'm still confused by my relationships with friends family, etc... I'd hoped my family would be interested in time with me.. but instead there are a couple of male friends who respect my plans of marriage. who are willing and desirous to support and help me through this... locals. One, who's helping me and my daughter by being a decent guy, helping as I make changes in my home, and well.. we have one bizarre friendship that truly works... and one who had been a neighbor who'd known nothing about me until he was leaving this place. He's offered me his living room furniture when I'm ready.. and I feel grateful.. because once I'm done figuring out my apartment and what more I'm getting out of my life.. I'll take him up on it. Interesting to discover that he too went to the high school I'd gone to.. only he was in the first graduating class.. when it was brand new.. so, we grew up in the same city... but he was and is several years older than am I.. doesn't change the fact that we connected quickly due to common interests and backgrounds. He and his best buddy from our home town liked me right away.. so did said buddy's wife.. smiles.. I know, I know.. I'm an out going, loving, honest and friendly soul.. I make friends way too fast, too... good thing they're good people. Anyway... I'm glad to have some good locals and some amazing nner's as very good friends...
hugs and smiles...
D

really enjoy this group.. which completely surprised my kid.. huh.. no clue why.

always loved Journey... and this song's a keeper.

just for kicks and giggles.. umm and to promote rather shamelessly, one of my top two favorite local bands, Royal Bliss... let's face it, they co-own and run The Royal... the bar & grill slash night club a couple miles from me.


this one links to yet another naughty and fun ad for their efforts to get a new record out ASAP.

oh, how the voice on the other side of the calls to my love fills me to the brim... I'm leaking.

Just grateful when he's able to see the positive through all of this. I NEED this man's touch.. I miss his embrace. Patience might be a virtue, *sigh* I'm running short on it these days...

trusting and leaving myself so utterly vulnerable by allowing someone such a place in my heart and life.. is hard enough when you've experienced as much grief as have I, at the hands of men I thought deserving and discovered didn't... add long distance, poverty, broken car, and low wages all on my end, then loss of income, huge medical cost and metastasized cancer to his end.. radiation and chemo therapy, loss of weight and so much more... and this doesn't include all the other stressors we each have.

My goodness we're being refined in a huge way!!!

tired and in pain, and dealing with too much.

busy making changes... GOOD ones, I'm hoping, as it means simplifying my home life.

25 days left of premium.

time to determine what to keep, what to destroy, what to discard. Whether to care, or to resign myself as I'm drifting a lot these days. Doubt, concern, distrust, and too long a severe lack of sleep. I'm tired, so drawn and weak. But I keep moving and keep taking steps. Moving forward? backwards? to the side? Does it really matter which way, so long as it is movement?

I've been listening to music from a friend, mentor, playmate from it seems, long ago... he'd given me this in July of 2011. A Latino, who was in love with musical artistry. He taught me to love the music of Schiller, German composer, director, musician, singer... amazing man. Anyway, it is soothing me and my troubles, I can pretend to believe they're no longer there, to deal with and face tomorrow. They are, but still... I can imagine. I can pretend that I believe.

Closing eyes, and listening to the splendor of the sunset, and sunrise... this is what is singing through my body while this music dances and lifts me.

Saturday was a long day for me.. one that started early for people who'd been to a rock concert and spent time afterwards for about an hour or so, talking... but the concert had been wonderful once Royal Bliss was up there... and it's been lovely to spend time with the guys and take pics of Tall and Lanky with them. I'd driven us there and had to leave early to get my daughter and take her home. She was in a much better mood after her hard day of work on Friday. Lanky had spent a few hours with me prior as well... he'd tried to get one of the women he's "hung out with" to go to the concert, but neither one did. He was grateful afterwards that it'd been me who'd gone with him, as he'd gotten a kik from someone who'd devastated him... umm, same from him to her... anyway, we'd discussed a few things and resolved to work together Saturday on my apartment.. clearing out clutter, and getting it to start returning to being the home I'm sure he no longer can recall from when we'd been playmates... it was the fact that he sent me a good morning text, and kept me focused through the day, that was sweet, and later.. working together n breaking down furniture, the aquarium set up, and moving what was left in the living room around, was of great help for me. We went to yet another concert... this one was a farewell to a radio show host who'd discovered several of the bands who performed tonight/this morning.

I'm not sure what was up but I know water doesn't have a sweet and burning sensation/ flavor to it.. so suspect that either someone had started to pour an alcoholic beverage in my glass or it was alcohol that was relatively tame I'd ended up with. I was thirsty so drank it.. but because my mind wasn't creating coherent thoughts I became concerned. Anyway.. no more weird flavored water in a glass for me!!! I'll stick to plain ol' water, maybe ask for lemon or lime as I get at the Royal.. but iffy water that burns my throat isn't going down again... shaking head. No interest in accidents or intentional attempts to give me something I didn't want. I know Lanky well enough to know he wasn't the one who'd frizzled my brains. Anyway... not going to trust myself at a new bar again. Nope. But it was lovely to have towering Dan Cord of American Hitmen, see me point at his mohawk and wink...stop what he was doing, stride up to my table, and grab me in a glorious hug. I adore that guy and his brother. Smiles... Everyone we've gotten to know was in high spirits and the show was great up until it didn't stop being a weird lovefest of words, screamed partial songs and a very drunk retired radio announcer toppling of the stage.

My daughter had another horrible day but she survived it. My guy never called me and this morning after getting in fine and getting ready for bed, I texted my concern, well wishes and that I'm not going the rest of the weekend without knowing how he's doing. I miss my darling so much that at times I wish I could just stop everything else to go see him. No... alas, I can't, so I must remain here.

Today I'll be working more, on my apartment and Lanky will be helping yet again. He thanked me for going both times with him... and he knows how grateful I am for his help. Anyway, life's weird, unique, interesting. I'm feeling tired.. kinda buzzy.. time to sleep until it's time to take my sweet kid to work for her 9am shift.

today was all about...
sleeping in
taking care of my daughter
rage, courage and pain
confusion and frustration
loss of surety
insecurity
and loss of peace

I don't know how to help her. I have NO clue what to do. All I can honestly do is be there for her, spend time with and on her. And try to help her grasp that things can and will get better.

I'm scared for my daughter... and if you'd experienced the day I had with her... I'm not sure how you'd feel. Or if you could recognize any other ways to help her.. or help me. I really do worry over her slipping out of touch with reality and into... I'm not sure what this is... a delusion? an hallucination? All I can say is that her view on life is ugly, dark, twisted, brutally TERRIFYING...

today, my love called to spend time with me... right after treatments. Apparently transportation isn't coming through... and it's a real struggle for him to get to and from. His voice and throat are increasingly more painful. His issues aren't getting easier as he'd hope, but, rather.. worse. but then, I knew using the chemo and radiation together on the initial site would lead to extreme agony in swallowing, breathing, and lose of voice. Hard thing is.. it's happening, and talking is our only means of communication he wants to use... nods.. stubborn man.

My daughter's knee is worse. I'm realizing I'll have no choice but to take another day off to assist her in seeing a doctor or two tomorrow and see if the Tosh orthopedic campus is in network for her insurance company. She needs real help. I'd say the damaged cartilage just got torn more today.

I was worn out this afternoon so took a nap, awakened to a knock at the door.. my Lanky friend was there to check on me and to see if I'd wwe'd like to head to the Royal or 1/2 of night for their amazing nachos plate stacked a mile high. My daughter couldn't due to her pain, but after going to the store to get her a few things I headed there with him. It was nice to get out, and nice to spend time with him, as well. Looks like he's going to Royal Bliss's concert tomorrow night. Never presume that when I'm there with him, and he buys two tickets, that the second ticket is for me, even when he acts like it is... smiles... it was 1/2 the time, but still... I'd learned that lesson while seeing him as one of his fuck partners.
Anyway, it was nice getting away from my kid/stress for a while with someone who KNOWS all that I'm dealing with and who understands my challenges and trials. Glad I stood beside him, determined to embrace him in friendship and accept that men like him are just not capable of more... because he's turned out to be a real and close friend.

I told my daughter that after her nearly falling down in agony due to that knee that tomorrow I'd stay home, too.. that the dr visit(s) mandatory as far as I'm concerned. She's got to take good care of herself and will most likely require crutches and medical leave to stay off that joint. I'll do what I can, to make sure my baby girl is taken care of. She needs me, and I need her to learn to take care of herself right.

I'm now down to less than 27 days of premium.. the days fly by, don't they. I'm thankful for the men who'd made gifts of premium to me in the past. They know who they are.. and I was honored to think my friendship meant so much to them.
When it's gone, it's gone.

God, I don't need the lack of money coming in.. but I need the time off on far too many levels. I struggle far too greatly at this time of my life. To be honest, 100% frank, its because of my child. She's my reason for living, yes... <b>initially</b> she has been, but, she's also the reason for so much of my stress, revulsion and fury, even. Her blatant disregard for hygiene and my house rules make me absolutely feel like screaming shouting and throwing all of her things our her bedroom window.

*sigh*, right now, she's snoring, wrapped up in my sheets, on MY bed. She'd destroyed hers months ago, and by being an unclean person has destroyed my living room furniture with her filth. I've had to throw out my couch and will soon have no choice but to tear apart my lazy-boy to toss it into the trash as well... she slept on both while refusing to clean up her messy disgusting room. And has spread her chaos into the living room, laundry closet and the kitchen... There are times I hate her. And then... I remember my mother... the woman who couldn't raise me and my sisters without help, because she too left chaos and filth in her wake. God, I loved her, but I also never could understand that inability to care enough, or want enough, or think of others and their lives. She embarrassed me. She saw me as heartless and cold because I felt the need to clean, because I couldn't allow her into my home without rules of conduct, and cleanliness. And by her stunning example of believing in her own twisted lies as she'd speak them... I learned that I HATED lies and what they do to those who believe in you. I will not hide who I truly AM. I'm not ashamed of my SELF. And I'm grateful for those who show acceptance of my peculiarities. Yet, she was the one who'd taught me the absolute healing power of loving hugs. She taught me about natural healing through foods and mental health. And to dream and wish and hope. So I dig deeper and see my child as the woman she's becoming... she is learning responsibility and duty. She feels obligated to work and follow through AT work.. just wish that applied to home life, too. She calls me her best friend.... and I realize that I AM... I support her, listen to her, and love her despite her flaws ans hateful disrespect when she's insane. And that's just it... mental illness is a disease. It must be loved and embraced as part of that special person she is. I'm just tired. So tired of being a caregiver. So tired of quietly suffering when I can't take the ugliness of my once clean and organized home. I'm tired. I'm lonely and I accept time with that Tall and Lanky friend.. mostly, because he's the only one who ever follows through. There is no one else, or I'd hang out with a girlfriend, instead of a past sexual partner turned friend. But my life isn't normal... so I take what I can get and feel thankful to have anything good or positive at all.

My life is a constant struggle. I am tired of struggling, when it shouldn't be necessary. My life is chaotic because I house the one person I've loved more than anything or anyone else, up until I discovered the love of self is imperative. Which is why this life MUST be one of preparation for my daughter. I've GOT to get her prepared to live with someone else. I doubt she'd be found needy enough to qualify for a group home, but the more people mention it, the more I feel I NEED to look into one for her. I need a break from this. I NEED peace and order. I need to focus on my SELF and make MY life better, for mySELF. IF she refuses to respect my counsel, I can do nothing but threaten and coerce, and I don't believe that's the right thing to do to anyone. That's her father's tactics.

Time to move the laundry and get the dish washer going. Time to take the trash out and get the elbows greased and working... Time for me to work. Time for ME to MAKE my place MINE again... and refuse to allow her to ruin it with her destructive chaos. Time to teach her peaceful order and cleanliness... and time to make her throw out a lot of things she doesn't use need or ever plan on wearing because, let's face it... she's going to want other styles of clothes once she's shed this layer of fat she's cloaked herself within. I know it's a reflection of her self image, and self abuse. Her father self abused, too.. and because of him, so did I... habits take a while to alter. Good thing I'm patient... and, I've got time to change things NOW and HERE... so when my future comes together with my sweetheart I'll be ready for the adventure of moving, of change and of focusing on someone who focuses on me, not as an extension of himself, but as the woman that I am... unique, odd, different... quirky?