Today is the first day my daughter will be away from home for something other than a family visit, a vacation/time with her father, or day trip with me, for a long period of time... ermmm, other than time with her boyfriend. Today's orientation for her new job!!! A seven hour day... she is petrified. And with one of her most crucial Fibromyalgia and anxiety medications being absent from her body, oh, how greatly my baby girl is suffering. She will be without the support to her physical mental and emotional self that she's had, for the most part of over four years. But she has mine, and that of a boyfriend that loves her, and, of my boyfriend as well.
How I hate the wicked sense of humor of someone up there!
I felt I had no choice but to protect my child's sanity to the best of my ability, by taking a day without pay for her. I'll take her to work, and be there to pick her up.. GLADLY!!! For in MY mind, any loving and concerned parent would do this, right? I LOVE her, my poor broken Angel. Mental and emotional illnesses are something for which I advocate. As someone who worked in special education as well as in this job, dealing with the needs of those with the terrible trials and challenges that their genetics and histories have caused them.
it's a daunting image in my mind, of what my sweet and sarcastic Sassy and opinionated daughter faces daily and will experience in greater force as she continues to age. Good thing she took what sense of humor I've got and has a rampped up sharper one by at least a 1000%!!
Today, while I'm praying for her to be able to deal with and enjoy the long day of training and preparation... I'll be working on my resume, on submitting it to a couple of companies that are taking applications and looking into hiring their final employees. I may even call a company back that'd called due to my resume on the web.. an employment agency, hunting for the income of finding jobs for people like me... in need of a change of pace, pay and environment.
I will also see if I can go spend some time with my grandmother. I had told Tall and Lanky last night that'd be something I might do, in order to get out of the apartment... Self abuse, as I often find it to be... And he'd been rather distressed over that, as he's faced the results of those visits as a man who's provided a shoulder for me to cry on and pour out the anguish of her cruelty... and yet, she's the woman who took as much delight in my sweetheart's responses to her racist comments and verbiage when talking of him with me... Giggling gleefully at how he chuckles and laughs and his determination to hug her of all things, when he gets to this place... (now, I add in my mind.. if ever) I need to tell my poor little grandmother that my own sweetheart has something far too in common with her. Cancer. A body that is trying to kill him, just as is hers. And, that I'm not sure if he'll ever get to follow through on his original desire to come to Utah to spend time with me and to meet the strong little woman who'd so shaped me.
He's still deluded as to what the real impact of his cancers and the placement of them is on his health, and honestly I've still got niggling questions RE why they hadn't made sure to send antibiotics home with him. What form of cancer is in his face, that had indicated it wasn't one of the eight or so kinds that are typical for the rare case they'd believed him to have. The fact that this is even more improbable and rare a situation just frustrates me to NO end. I NEED to be there, not just for myself but to prepare and educate HIM and his family on his issues, and to ask the right questions, make the correct conjectures and get more assistance for the man that I love than he will be able to acquire without someone who's capable of communion with the scientific side of the practitioners at his side. *sigh* anyway, I feel a stronger pull towards my cruel fierce and loving grandmother. As she's clinging onto the thought of meeting the one man who's so freely and proudly expressed the reality of being in love with her eldest granddaughter. She deserves to know that he's incapable of spending time here, any time soon. He's aware that he'll be going through the chemotherapy and most likely radiation therapies as well as the surgery in order to remove and kill off all of that which is invading his body. Of my desperation to be there with him, of the stress I'm under.. though honestly I'll do my best to avoid that sorrow creating negative. With cancers as with all else, worrying and negative thoughts cause harmful manifestations for those with overactive minds... She'd been diagnosed with Lupus long ago now, when I was a teen. Lupus is an amazing disease, much like Fibro. Mental/emotional health contributes hugely to the physical health or decline thereof. I know she'd like to know what's been filling my days, nights, thoughts and prayers over the last couple of months.
The day will be long for me. But I know it'll be longer for my daughter.
It will also be too long for my sweetheart. The man that I love is truly in denial of how bad his situation is, health-wise. He's NEVER had any health issues other than colds now and then, perhaps sprains and broken bones. But nothing like pneumonia, ear infections, infected teeth, mandatory root canal, muscle pain, damaged joints... and cancer. He's dealing with all of this all at once... Right now... Bloody Fucking hell!!!
He's at work right now. He'd told his bosses that he was going to be there. Hang his body and how he's feeling. ((((What the FUCK??!!!)))
Sorry, my frustration escapes me a lot lately. **sigh**
Like I said a while ago... someone has a cruel and gruesome sense of humor up there. I hear my boyfriend's complaints, which he's so unused to sharing. I hear his sorrows, and he tries to deny me his fears and terrors, yet, I know they too exist. I am in love with a gentle respectful and loving man. And I accept that I may have to tend him as a caregiver.
I'm going to fight the worry-filled and negative determinations people who know cancers have suggested to me. Those projections are dark ugly and grim. I need to cling to any shred of hope that I can find, to be able to not only be able to hope and believe strongly... that I DO get to hold my man in my arms, again. And even better... to grow old with him.
Hope, love and optimism are the weapons we quieter, gentler souls tend to employ with our enemies and frenemies... Love them into submission.. Well, we can and have been proven to love cancer to it's knees with the power of positive thought, as well.
I will work on crafting the finest of weapons designed for that purpose. A beautifully crafted one, filled with my loving signature. I HAVE to do it. I am Dawn... a new day's beginning... my name represents fresh starts, new beginnings, the rays of sunlight kissing the world with hope and drawing on faith, for a new, bright and better day... so too must I. Kiss and caress the world with my love and hope.. remind those who'll actually listen that maybe fairy tales aren't true... but positive power is. The reality of inexplicable recoveries and miracles, all due to THIS power in the minds of those who wield it high and hold it cherished to their bosoms can't help but accomplish magic, miracles and purest joy. The magical thing of it is.. whether there is a God in your "prayers" and belief system, or not, just believing in that power, that radiant magnetic force that I firmly believe binds all the universe and all atoms together... LOVE... POSITIVE... God.. All are the same thing, to me... For, believing is seeing, believing is a crucial element of success and of creation of the improbable and impossible, and of miracles and of science too... of genetics, of medicine... of healing.
