Yesterday was a decent one, though I was struggling, internally to no end. I was able to get the references to the lady at the genetics testing company, and I hope that it'll be sufficient. I really, truly DO. I'd been told that the day had been a nightmare, at work, by one of my dear lady friends there, who'd said if she could find another job she'd leave without the two weeks notice even though the company had made us sing acknowledging their new policy of taking your wages down to minimum wage for all owed hours of work if we leave without proper notice. Gods above, I hate companies that don't pay enough, find every way to cut back and ream us as already underpaid employees!!!
A friend who'd left the company advised me over the web that his company will freeze hiring as of Sept 1st, so to get my app in ASAP. I'll do it, willingly and in a heartbeat. He'd started at $18/hr there. And I'd love to start even at $15/hr at a job like that. I know that company. They were the once servicing my mortgage and who'd advised me on how to get them to foreclose on my mortgage, thus enabling me to get out from under an flip-flopped house and terrifying marriage to a sociopath. Anyway, they've got some very wonderful people working there. I'd be honored to work for the company that made an impact on getting me freed from my nightmare, from my hell.I'll be applying there, today, and a few other places, over the web.
Yesterday my guy let his situation sink into his thoughts more deeply, he must have, since he'd asked me what kind of income I'd need, to be the one providing for the two of us, for a while. I'd told him if we were careful, we'd make it on $30k to $34k/yr. I'm barely making it on $25k per yr including alimony, living in a cheap clean little old place. We'd need more to be comfortable, safe monetarily and be able to enjoy outings, etc, as well as deal with the regular issues that life sends our way. If he were to come here, to live with us, me and my daughter, we'd have a plus, in that she'd assist in the cost of living, paying her share of the costs of rent and utilities. It'd work out best for all three of us, since he and she both need me in their lives. And let's face it, I need both of them.
Today, my daughter is with her father. He'd made arrangements to take her clothes shopping, for her "WalMart wardrobe." WalMaart blue, and tan slacks. She's hoping he won't make her pay that back, but she'd promised she'd pay him back for her schooling. I'm sure she will be able to do that. I'm so glad that she's determined to be responsible where she's refused to do so for so very long. She's picking herself up and forcing herself to take responsibility for the time she'd refused to work to help out and I'm truly hopnig she can change her ways. She's lazy and our home reflects her depression and lack of caring. It's a pigsty. Though now my room's needing work, yesterday and today we'd worked on hers. On making it clean and easier to organize. Hell, I've tried to get her to care about that, for years... I buy organizational supplies sets of drawers, etc, but until she got the fire LIT under herself, she'd refused to follow through. It'll take a while to retrain her. I've tried since she was tiny to get her into good habits. People thought she was anal(OCD) because her room was so over organized. That was ME... I NEEDED it, and had hoped she'd love that way of boxing and bagging things up the way it was a joy for me, as a kid teen and adult. Nope. But we can still HOPE. I'm realizing just how "anal" about cleanliness and order I used to be. I recall being horrified b the way my young husband was, and how enraged he'd be if I'd moved his dirty clothes from our living room where he'd peeled it all of, into the bathroom or a laundry hamper. I wanted cleanliness. I learned to allow cacophony, and then schizophrenia claimed his mind and changed things. I regret giving up on order, to be freed from his rage. But I'm finding that I'm still that OCD little clean freak, who HATES messes and chaotic disorder. I'm feeling happier when I break a dripping sweat that pours down my body, from simply vacuuming and shampooing a room. I can see and feel the differences... let's face it, I like to go barefoot in my home and nude, if allowed. I love the feel of soft clean carpet, and wiggling my toes down into it. I enjoy the clean fresh scent of my natural cleansers and the feel of hard work showing my pride in the kind of home I run. It took determination and the ultimatum of, "do this, this this and this, or you're really OUT this time, my dear..." It was horrible hearing her pain filled tantrums and threats of never again returning to live with me, or see me once she was out the door. But it was necessary for our well-being. For her good and for mine. Home wasn't a comfortable place to be. She'd allowed infestation garbage all over etc, in her room, and it had spread. I HATE all of that. I hate being thought of as a bad parent, and people would assume that I'm the one who's got no self control due to her descriptions of our home-life and her, taking care of me, working hard in the house as well as the apartment. Psychoses are hard to live with. Her mental and emotional health is a genetic curse brought it seems not just from him and his side, but my mother, as well. Aspergers, schizophrenia, sociopathy, psychopathy and extreme OCD and paranoia are the things she's blessed with.
Today I spoke with my lover, for a brief while, but my daughter was demanding my attention, she was preparing for her time with her father, which is highly stressful. He's still himself, and unless he really loves a woman and listens to her, and respects her, which would be the first time he's respected ANYONE, he'll never get help for his conditions. His nightmares are terrifying. His mind rewires his memory and erases the reality we'd shared. I hate what a horrible mind he's got. I will not forgive the cruelty and abuse, as he'd still had a choice to act that way. But I do comprehend that his environment and mental/emotional condition is the reason for the way he is.
I'm grateful for the good in my life. For a cheap little rickety apartment that got me out of the house way out in the boondocks and closer to everything, in the Salt Lake Valley. I'm pleased that my daughter is capable of recognizing her need for me, and that she can't be without me, but that, she's also incapable of making the change to Illinois, at least, not yet. I honestly would love to live up in that region. But, for now, I know where I am, and that my man is considering the reality that I'm needed here, in a huge way. He'd be sacrificing a great deal, in order to make a move like this. But he might have to do it, in order to earn an equal one from my daughter... of either letting go of me, or moving there, with US. I love my daughter. I love my man. And, I actually, more than I used to since I was a tiny child... love myself.
Today I'm working on my home. Tidying, deep cleaning and getting things organized. I'm making life simpler for us... the us of NOW. And hoping that the US of the future will be my sweetheart, my daughter and me, wherever life takes us.
