RockJohnson's blog post - If only...

I saw her at work today. It was casual, as it always is at work. She left before I did, and she came to see me before she went. We both have off tomorrow. She said she and her boyfriend had some things to do tomorrow, but she would try to have dinner with me tomorrow evening. (We'd tentatively planned that last week.) Obviously, her boyfriend will be at work by then. Even though she's promised me nothing, rather she's told me she didn't want to lose what she already has, I cannot wait to see her again. She makes me feel things I didn't think I ever could again. And, of course, she's taken. I've half-jokingly told her that God, or the Universe, or Whatever, must hate me.

Except for the very first coffee date we had, I always felt there were moments when she wanted to kiss me. God knows I wanted to kiss her, so maybe my perception is merely wishful thinking. I guess I have some sort of romantic notion that if she kisses me, perhaps it'll tip the scales in my favor. All I know for sure is, I'll never want to let her go.

I was fairly certain she knew my feelings were more than sexual, but I posed that awkward question last week, "You do know I'm not just looking for something physical, right?" Her reply: "Oh no, sweetie, I know it's not about that." She's right, although I'm sure it's no great secret that I'd sell my soul to make love to her. Yet, I do whatver it takes just to be with her, to merely chat over coffee, just to hear her sweet voice, and to gaze into her beautiful eyes.

I'm too damn old for a schoolboy crush, yet my thoughts are filled with her, in waking hours and in the few moments of sleep I get these days. Funny, I never thought I'd be free of the memories of my ex. Now I am, only to have them replaced by the thoughts of another woman I can't have.