Spent the weekend out of town with a few friends. But that's neither here nor there. One morning, I visited another group of friends in their hotel room; I came bearing flowers for a friend who had just graduated and transferred from community college. She was very happy about the achievement, and I was proud of her. A few days before taking the trip, I'd sent her a message telling her I'd have get flowers for her. It was an offhand comment, but I never ever make a statement or a promise of that sort if I don't intend to follow through.

Now, the reason I'm going on about this is because of some comments that came as a result of my actions. She genuinely appreciated the flowers-which was all that matters,- or so I thought. In the evening, said friend was rather drunk and another friend requested that I escort her back to the hotel room to keep her out of trouble. Trust me, when she is drunk, she's extremely friendly, loud, and very spastic. At one point, she was rolling around on the floor trying to look up the skirt of any attractive woman who walked by. Anyway, I took her back to the room and sat with her for a few hours. A few hours which included listening to her call a boy and regale him with stories about her raunchy dance with *another* boy earlier than night. There was some flirting and more flirting, and an apology was sent my way for having to hear it. I just shrugged and enjoyed the sanctuary of a phone with a 3G connection.

After sometime had passed, a few friends called and asked us to meet up with them to a little chit-chat. So, off we went: I once again attempting to guide the Drunken-belle through side-walk traffic and my charge once again carrying on a phone conversation ad-nauseum. When we finally did meet up with the others, my drunken friend and I were being a little friendly. I was mostly trying to keep her contained, but there were occasions when she would sit in my lap, we'd put our arms around each other, and she'd rest her head on my chest. Admittedly, it was nice to share some intimacy, especially of the warm and fuzzy sort; on the other hand, the fact that she was drunk was never far from my thoughts. At one point, another female friend insisted that my drunken friend and I should make out. I even overheard them arguing about it a little.

Quoting from memory:
"You need to make out with him already."
"No. That's mean."
"You should do it."
"No."
"Come on. He bought you flowers."

Upon hearing this, I couldn't help but feel a sting of pain. Not because she refused to make out with me but because it was sorely obvious that what I had meant as a gesture of kindness had been taken as something else. They, and mostly likely all my other friends, had assumed I had given her flowers because I desired some sort of physical reward, or physical intimacy. As if I'm going to make the effort to find a florist in a town I don't know, request star gazer lilies, and spend $50 just so a girl will be inclined to let me touch her? That's total horse shit. I didn't have a motive. I never do. I just wanted to do something to make a friend feel special. To say to her, "Hey, you did something great for yourself. I'm proud of you and want to share in your joy." But no one, not even the person the gesture was aimed at, understood that. It frustrates the hell out of me to think that the people who should know me, would judge my actions so poorly.

After my drunken friend wandered over to another table to talk with some friends, I confronted my other friend. I told her that I didn't want to make out with a drunk girl. She asked me if I liked her. After explaining that it didn't matter how I felt about her and that I simply wouldn't make out with a drunk girl, no matter how much I liked her, she said to me, "But you bought flowers for her," which only pushed me further along the road of indignation. I finally explained to her that it would be wrong to take advantage of the situation and that the flowers were just a gesture of kindness. She gave me a smile and a hug, then told me, "Awww, Rich. You're so cute at times."

So, what I take away from this is that, if I'm not a typical guy bearing gifts with the expectation of a little action in return, I'm some cute simpleton. Thank you very much, ladies.
Now, that last line isn't directed at all women, just the women who know me, or don't know me, as seems to be the case.

I don't understand it, honestly. Why couldn't I have just been doing something nice for the sake of doing something nice?

when school absolutely smashes my spirit with mid-terms, speeches, photography projects, and the impending arrival of finals (only four more weeks). This last weekend, I got lazy and tomorrow I'll have to burn through the afternoon handling math homework, turn it in during the evening class, and come home to arrange Tuesday's speech. Oh well, truth be told, I'm a fool about these things. I genuinely feel happy and satisfied with myself when the work gets done, but I often put it off till the last minute, knowing full well I'm putting myself through undue stress.

Ah, the joys of being young and dumb. Except that isn't really a valid excuse is it? No because stating it means I'm more than aware of the processes by which I work and have both the capability and desire to change my approach. So what is it? I suppose, it's the lack of spark in my life recently. Lately, the social aspects of my life- specifically romance- have either been incredibly draining, or stupendously disappointing. Thing with Jackie took a very different turn than I had hoped for, although I am not at all surprised by how it all turned out. She couldn't let go of the things her ex-husband had done to her, and I wasn't enough of a man to accept his flaws being projected onto me. I love her and will always care for her, but I couldn't stand how quickly we could go from a tender or joking moment to her questioning and analyzing every word I spoke for some hint of condescension. I know that I should have helped her through the process, but at times, it's so hard to be patient with a person when everything you do makes you the bad guy. And it got to the point that if I said she was doing something harsh, it was "only because I was trying to dominate her." I'm not even a domineering person to begin with, but that's irrelevant. I can't stand the injustice of having each and every one of my actions judged by another man's. She constantly saw me through a lens suited to that man, and as such my actions were never seen for what they were, my words were never my own- not in her eyes. At the point where I realized she wasn't able to separate her perception of him from her perception of me, I realized it had to end.

I don't know...I feel very guilty. She often said I was her last hope for a loving relationship. Am I? I don't know. I'm a realist and I believe there is always a love to be found out in that big wide world, but there's always the possibility that she was right. It's a question that stabs at my thoughts during quiet moments.

Beyond that...Things with Cassandra are almost surely done and over with. Haven't heard from her since that email she sent in May. Her friend keeps checking up on me, which is something I question. I wonder if she's just being friendly, or if there might be an unknown factor motivating her. It doesn't matter though, Cassandra removed herself from my life and I have to live with it.

Nicole. Nicole is probably the greatest question-mark in my life at the moment. There are times when she flirts with me and expresses a strong romantic interest in me; however, she's involved with a guy that I don't see her leaving anytime soon. Not to mention the fact that I'm her outlet for emotional frustration. When something is weighing heavy on her heart, she comes to me. When she's just had good sex, she comes to me. When she's angry with her boyfriend or other friends, she comes to me. It's hard catch all of this emotional information from her because it leaves me confused as to what role I play in her mind and her heart. Am I the best friend who provides a shoulder to cry on, or some form of insurance, maybe some guilty pleasure? I don't know. The few times we're together, she's more concerned with her other friends, yet she always talks about the things she wants to do together and how much fun I am to be around. Frankly, I'm never sure where I stand with Nicole. Friends for five years, nearly every moment of which I've felt trapped in limbo.

I probably deserve it. She tried to be with me two years ago. I was in a bad mood and she tried to be romantic, I snapped and told her to leave me alone. After that, she pulled back. After all this time, we've gotten the point where we can both express our interests again, but it's never the right time for us.

Ah, the joys of being a twenty-something college student.

After spending Friday in San Francisco, meeting up with a friend and taking some photographs, I can safely say that my decision making process can not be trusted. I'll have to hire out from now on, or have my head examined. Anyway, the reason behind this.

My friend Nicole, the friend I met up with, was in the company of a group of friends. One of these friends, Coral, is a rather attractive woman, whom I've met before. She's intelligent, creative, cute, thoughtful, and not at all bashful. At some point, I ended up alone with her and my friend Liz. When I made a joke about homosexuality, Coral commented, "Aww. All the cute ones are either gay or douche bags."

Liz later hinted to me that she suspected Coral was expressing some interest in me. An assertion which I dismissed as improbable, if not impossible; however, Liz insisted and the suggestion, once in my head, was not easy to be rid of. Later in the evening, Coral began questioning me about what type of woman I was interested in, as well as offering a selection of qualities that she could accept from a man. I kept changing the topic and-or avoiding the issue, feeling more than a bit baffled by the whole exchange and at the time, unwilling to subject myself to the potential for disaster (such a disaster, of course, being the possibility that although I thought she was flirting, she may have just been kidding around). This, in addition to the fact that she dressed and undressed with me in the room, supplied Liz with what she considered all the necessary evidence to prove that Coral was clearly interested in me. I felt...I don't know. I was and am interested in Coral, but at the same time, the situation took me by surprise. It appeared to be one of those "too good to be true" scenarios and I'm always leery of such things. Still, there's a difference between caution and being a dense moron.

Did I mention that when Liz and I were preparing to leave Coral mentioned that if she knew me IRL she'd date me? To which my only reply was a shocked expression- hopefully disguised by my sun glasses.

Oh, and to compound all of this: last night, a waitress I've been flirting with on and off at a local restaurant gave me the address of a club hosting a Halloween Party later in the evening. My only thought? "Why the hell would I want to go to a party by myself?" After deciding that I wasn't going to go, she approached me and asked if I was going. Of course, I replied with a no. Then she told me, "Oh, well, I'm going to meet up with my girlfriend/s later. What are you going to do?" It wasn't until after she walked away that I realized she'd more than likely been attempting to spend some time with me outside of the work environment. Son of a B@%$#!

I can't complain about women after this. I've pretty much just wagged the dog at two golden opportunities. And I used to think I was a genius...

So, I'm the kind of guy who really enjoys laughing and being a clown; however, I have noticed a startling trend. Whenever the issue of age comes up during a conversation with a woman, I always, always, always add ten years to what I believe her age to be. Now, while this is funny, it usually ends a conversation quite quickly. As does my habit of exclaiming "I love push ups more than I've ever loved a woman." I'll elaborate on that at some later date. The point is, I think I'm being a bit counterproductive in my social efforts with the opposite sex.

Oh well, there's always the chance I'll meet a beautiful, intelligent woman with a similar sense of humor. I suppose I should pray for more than a chance. Haha.

Such as, starting an account under a username I abhor and later discovering that it can not be changed. I'd love to just go by Morpheaus, my username on every other online community, but I apparently had a temporary encounter with stupidity when I made this account. Who calls themself Superboomer anyway?

The adjective super implies that I am in someway extreme or of some level of excellence. Granted, I'm rather excellent, but I don't think I could ever be taken for extreme.

I ask myself, "why not simply delete this account and make a new one?" Short answer: too easy. Long answer: the amount of effort- about 20 minutes- would be too much to expend over something so asinine. However, I'm quite content to spend fifteen minutes complaining about it. Privileges of a self-reflective journal that only I read.

I will now bury my sorrow by basking in the glow of CNN.

Well, I'm bored and I figured if I'm not going to put up a bunch of obnoxious pictures of my penis- I'm not, trust me,- than I may as well use this blog. It'll at least be safe from the prying eyes of my peers.

Stole this from SweetVirgin's blog.

*Instructions: Put your music player on shuffle. Click -Next Song- for every question and write it down.

What does next year have in store for me?
I Wish It Would Rain- the Temptations (Well, I would certainly like a change. A bit depressing though, isn't it?

What does your love life look like?
Gotta Knock a Little Harder- Yoko Kanno (Appropriate when taken in context.)

What do I say when life gets hard?
Highs 2 Lows- Nujabes (Fairly accurate. A little preachy and narcissistic.)

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
A Hard Day's Night- the Beatles. (Lmao)

What do you want as a career?
TVC 15- David Bowie (I'd have preferred Heroes.)

Your favorite saying?
Second Hand News- Fleetwood Mac (This sucks. Good song though.)

What do you think of your parents?
Sea Side Rendezvous- Queen (I have no clue how to take this one.)

Where would you go on a first date?
Fooled Around and Fell In Love- Rod Stewart (Nooooo!)

Drug of choice?
Funny How Love Is- Queen (Lmao. The previous question and this question are ominous to a guy my age.)

Describe yourself.
And Your Bird Can Sing- the Beatles (I feel giggly and misunderstood?)

What is the thing I like doing most?
Ask the Lonely- the Four Tops (They'll tell you a story of sadness? I'm not that emotional.)

The song that best describes the president?
Hammer to Fall- Queen. (At the very least, this is one of my favorite tracks)

How will I die?
I Want to Hold Your Hand- the Beatles (Disease or poison!)

The song that will be played at your funeral?
On the Radio- Donna Summer (Not what I expected. Then again, I couldn't stand the thought of Swearin' To God playing, so I flicked ahead.)

The song you'll put as the subject?
We'll Be There- the Goo Goo Dolls.