Superboomer's blog post - It's that time of year-

when school absolutely smashes my spirit with mid-terms, speeches, photography projects, and the impending arrival of finals (only four more weeks). This last weekend, I got lazy and tomorrow I'll have to burn through the afternoon handling math homework, turn it in during the evening class, and come home to arrange Tuesday's speech. Oh well, truth be told, I'm a fool about these things. I genuinely feel happy and satisfied with myself when the work gets done, but I often put it off till the last minute, knowing full well I'm putting myself through undue stress.

Ah, the joys of being young and dumb. Except that isn't really a valid excuse is it? No because stating it means I'm more than aware of the processes by which I work and have both the capability and desire to change my approach. So what is it? I suppose, it's the lack of spark in my life recently. Lately, the social aspects of my life- specifically romance- have either been incredibly draining, or stupendously disappointing. Thing with Jackie took a very different turn than I had hoped for, although I am not at all surprised by how it all turned out. She couldn't let go of the things her ex-husband had done to her, and I wasn't enough of a man to accept his flaws being projected onto me. I love her and will always care for her, but I couldn't stand how quickly we could go from a tender or joking moment to her questioning and analyzing every word I spoke for some hint of condescension. I know that I should have helped her through the process, but at times, it's so hard to be patient with a person when everything you do makes you the bad guy. And it got to the point that if I said she was doing something harsh, it was "only because I was trying to dominate her." I'm not even a domineering person to begin with, but that's irrelevant. I can't stand the injustice of having each and every one of my actions judged by another man's. She constantly saw me through a lens suited to that man, and as such my actions were never seen for what they were, my words were never my own- not in her eyes. At the point where I realized she wasn't able to separate her perception of him from her perception of me, I realized it had to end.

I don't know...I feel very guilty. She often said I was her last hope for a loving relationship. Am I? I don't know. I'm a realist and I believe there is always a love to be found out in that big wide world, but there's always the possibility that she was right. It's a question that stabs at my thoughts during quiet moments.

Beyond that...Things with Cassandra are almost surely done and over with. Haven't heard from her since that email she sent in May. Her friend keeps checking up on me, which is something I question. I wonder if she's just being friendly, or if there might be an unknown factor motivating her. It doesn't matter though, Cassandra removed herself from my life and I have to live with it.

Nicole. Nicole is probably the greatest question-mark in my life at the moment. There are times when she flirts with me and expresses a strong romantic interest in me; however, she's involved with a guy that I don't see her leaving anytime soon. Not to mention the fact that I'm her outlet for emotional frustration. When something is weighing heavy on her heart, she comes to me. When she's just had good sex, she comes to me. When she's angry with her boyfriend or other friends, she comes to me. It's hard catch all of this emotional information from her because it leaves me confused as to what role I play in her mind and her heart. Am I the best friend who provides a shoulder to cry on, or some form of insurance, maybe some guilty pleasure? I don't know. The few times we're together, she's more concerned with her other friends, yet she always talks about the things she wants to do together and how much fun I am to be around. Frankly, I'm never sure where I stand with Nicole. Friends for five years, nearly every moment of which I've felt trapped in limbo.

I probably deserve it. She tried to be with me two years ago. I was in a bad mood and she tried to be romantic, I snapped and told her to leave me alone. After that, she pulled back. After all this time, we've gotten the point where we can both express our interests again, but it's never the right time for us.

Ah, the joys of being a twenty-something college student.