A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies -- nothing except bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here? ' She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank. '

'Amazing! ' he said. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you. '

'Oh, this? ' replied the woman. 'I made the row boat out of raw material I found on the island: the oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree. '

'But . . . but, that's impossible, ' stuttered the man. 'You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage? '

'Oh, that was no problem, ' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The man was stunned.

'Let's row over to my place, ' she said.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, 'It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please -- would you like to have a drink? '

'No, no thank you, ' he said, still dazed. 'Can't take any more coconut juice. '

'It's not coconut juice, ' the woman replied. 'I have a still. How about a Piña Colada? '

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted; and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announced, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet. '

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a sharp edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing, ' he mused. 'What next? '

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but stategically positioned vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me, ' she began, suggestively slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know . . . ' She stared into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing: 'You mean - - ? ' he swallowed excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes: 'I can check NN from here? ! '

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.


The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:


I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.


These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.


When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.


Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.


P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special."

The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"

The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"

The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"

She is not:
A BAD COOK
She is:
MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She does not:
GET PMS
She becomes:
HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have:
A KILLER BODY
She is:
TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

She is not:
A BAD DRIVER
She is:
AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She is not a:
PERFECT 10
She is:
NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

She is not:
EASY
She is:
HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not:
HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is:
ATHLETICALLY BIASED

You do not ask her:
TO DANCE
You request a:
PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not:
HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is:
MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not:
COLD OR FRIGID
She is:
THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not:
WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is:
COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have:
GREAT CLEAVAGE
Her breasts are:
CENTRALLY LOCATED

She is not:
A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is:
VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not:
SUN BATHE
She experiences:
SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

She does not:
CUT YOU OFF
She becomes:
HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not have:
BIG HAIR
She is:
OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not:
SHOP TOO MUCH
She is:
OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You asshole. Now we’ve got to fucking piss in the boat.”


Just Remember.......
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar.... He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but the Canadian just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled & concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson Canadian, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender & proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

An old man is telling his teenage grandson about his experiences in WW2.

The old man says, "I was in paratrooper school, and it was our first jump. I got into the airplane -- it was the very first time I'd ever been in an airplane, and it was loud and bumpy and scary, not like the jets you fly on, Billy. So we got up to our jump altitude and the lights came on and the sarge would slap each guy on the back and out they'd jump... GEEEERONIMOOOOO! But when it got to be my turn, I got to the door and I froze. I'd never been up in an airplane and I looked out the door at the little barns way down below and I just couldn't jump. The sarge hit me on the back, and I didn't jump, and he screamed "JUMP, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" but I didn't jump and he shoved me real hard, but I didn't jump. Then he said, "Okay, kid, get outta line and wait," and let everyone else jump out.

And then it was just me and sarge in the cabin of the jump plane. So he says, "Kid, you are gonna jump out of this fuckin' airplane." And I told him I just couldn't do it. So he unzipped his pants and pulled out his pecker, and damn if sarge didn't have one hell of a boner. He said, "Kid, you will jump out of this fuckin' airplane or I will bend you over and fuck you in your ass."

"So, Grandpa, didja jump?"

"A little."

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a
day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how
beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and
said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin...
it's simply a mistake."

DONT DIE A VIRGIN..........

TERRORISTS ARE UP THERE WAITING FOR YOU.”