God Said, "Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me."

Adam
Said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?"

God
Said, "Go down
Into that
Valley."


Adam said, "What's
A valley?"

God explained it to him.


Then God said,
"Cross the
River."

Adam said, "What's a
River?"

God explained that
To him, and then said,
"Go over to the
Hill....."

Adam said,
"What is a
Hill?"


So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On
The Other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave."


Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He Said, "In the cave
You will find a woman."


Adam said, "What's a
Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want yo To Reproduce."

Adam said, "How do
I d That?"

God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."

And then,
Just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as Well.

So, Adam goes down
Into The valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, Into the Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in About five minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience Wearing thin, said
Angrily, "What is It Now?"

And Adam said....


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(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)

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"What's a
Headache?"

A family of three are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says

"Don't worry. That was an insect."

To which one of the boys replies "Was it? Wow! I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

- To reuse a condom, turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!

- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

- What do condoms and cameras have in common? They both capture the moment.

- What do you do with a year's worth of used condoms? Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.

- What did the penis say to the condom? "Cover me I'm going in!"



just a thought...........

- A good woman will do 71 chores around the house: Cooking, cleaning and 69.

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

IF YOU DRINK, TAKE A CAB

With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

This is a first for me, as I normally don’t preach to others.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before.

I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.





I wish you a very Merry Christmas, and if you drink, take a cab...

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.


I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.


TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'




The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning.





I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness.”





So I said "Come in and sit down."





I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"





He said,





"Beats the shit out of me.... Nobody ever let me in before."

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"