20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud
physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the
street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"

If you want to play with pussy.......



GET YOUR OWN FUCKING CAT!!!!!!!!!

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads.
He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and suchlike."
The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Toadra-capokus! You're green!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:
"Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons.
You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.
As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make
me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me
from a mile off."
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple.
He says: "My Wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers:

"That's easy... Just follow the yellowdick Toad!"

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie?







Because she was Fucking Goofy.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to The Warehouse. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.



Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Warehouse.



Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been xxxxxx to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's trolleys when they weren't looking.



2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at

5-minute intervals.



3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.



4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on to it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.



5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.



6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.



8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began

crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

Security was called.



9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.



10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.



11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly

humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.



12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.



13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed

through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'



14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'



And last, but not least:



15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited

awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the assistants passed out.

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle."

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,


when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.


'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:


'Next year tell Santa;
The prick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!