Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when Fast Eddie outstretched his hand. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!" "Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection. "Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident
down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to piss

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes......

Newlyweds are into their 2 nd week of marriage when the wife says to the husband...

I want to set the rules down about sex....

When my hair is nice and perfect ...I definitely don't want to have sex

If my hair is a little messed up and not that perfect...maybe I do maybe I don't want to have sex....

but when my hair is messed up...I definitely want to have sex....

Husband says.....o.k. but I have my rules about sex also....

Every night when I come home from work I will have one can of beer.....


When I have one can of beer I definitely don't want to have sex....

When I have a couple of beers, maybe I do...maybe I don't want to have sex....

When I have a six pack or a case of beer......

I don't give a fuck about your hair......

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ......circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing 'fairly well' for my
age. (Geez, I just turned 57.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, whiskey or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much . . . my former doctor said red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, bicycling, or motorcycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

She looked at me and said . . . 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

Bertha was dead. The minister conducter her eulogy with heartfelt gusto.

"Bertha married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she married yet again and this time had 5 more children. Again, her husband died. Then alas, she finally died," he intoned.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for Bertha. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her friend Jane, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

ane replied, "I think he means her legs."

A Forty -Year -Old hillbilly carries a younger hillbilly into the doctors office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, See if you can patch him up good.
I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum.
Dont hurt him none, cause hes my son-in-law.
The doctor said, Why would you shoot your son-in-law?
The hillbilly said, He warnt my son-in-law when I shot him.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy……………

If you don’t slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you!

Be careful this winter!