Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:



POLISH REMOVER

A drunk, passed out in the middle of town, was picked up by the cops.
After sobering up, the cops asked his name, he replied "John Fuckinower" .
Not believing him, they asked where he worked.
He said "the mill on 3rd street".
They called, when someone answered, the cop asked "Do you have a 'Fuckinower' over there?"
The guy replied "Hell no, we're lucky we get a 20 minute coffee break!"

A guy goes into the confessional on Saturday afternoon and says to the priest, Father, he confessed, it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Tootie Green twice last month.

The priest told the sinner, You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. Ive had sex with Tootie Green twice a week for the past two months.

This time, the priest questioned, Who is this Tootie Green?

A new woman in the neighborhood, the sinner replied.

Very well, sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasnt wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, Is that Tootie Green?

The bug-eyed altar boy couldnt believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, No Father, I think its just a reflection from her shoes..

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"


"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.


While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want this to happen so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"


So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.


After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's the real talent you will be wasting. You could be famous



Why are you committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

A Ryanair flight was coming in to land at London Luton airport,when the captain flicked on the tanoy system and says,"I would like to thank you all for choosing Ryanair for your flight and I hope our service has been to your satisfaction,and you had a great holiday,we will be landing shortly."
The captain puts down the tanoy but forgets to switch it off, when the co-pilot says,"what are you going to do after we've landed skipper? "
The captain replies,"I am going to have a good shit first,then I am going to take the new blonde air hostess back to my flat and fuck her senseless."
The new blonde air hostess blushing bright red realising the tanoy has not been turned off dashes from the back of the plane towards the cockpit before anything else can be said,when half way down the gangway there's an old lady of 83 sitting there with her walking stick slightly sticking out in the gangway. The blonde air hostess trips over the walking stick and lands flat on her face, to which the old lady looks down at her and says,"there's no rush dear,he's going to have a good shit first ."

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." He walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.
I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

A Home Depot Story !

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set...
When the man was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that vanity set?
The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

the then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set."


This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!