*A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip *
*Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room
doctor asked her. *

*'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. *

*'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
your finger?' *

*'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &*
*then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... *

*I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' *

*'So then?' asked the doctor. *

*'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get
*
*my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' *

*'So then?' *

*'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a *
*Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled
the trigger. *

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said,"That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake,Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered.Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.



Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.



Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong. (My favorite!)


Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.


Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.



Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car

only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.



Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'



Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last long."

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised
him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling
something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that
it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him
about it, he finally got enough nerve to pull his hospital gown
up enough so he could look at what was making him so
uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that don't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon .. from the nurse whose Jeep you pulled over last week.'

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They
talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after
awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:




'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Three guys are discussing women.

"I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.

The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass."

They ask the third guy "What about you?".

"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest works of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:




1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' -
She is a 'BREASTED CANADIAN.'




2. She is not 'EASY' -
She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'




3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' -
She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'




4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' -
She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'




5. She does not 'NAG' you -
She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'




6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' -
She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'




HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:




1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' -
He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'




2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' -
He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'




3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' -
He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS..'




4. He is not 'BALDING' -

He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'




5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' -
He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'




6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants -
It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'