You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.......

Two women were playing golf One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away
and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken

As I walked in almost awake she turned and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment I embraced her and then gave it my all right, there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy obeys and says, '99'!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised. I'm going
to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins,
'One ... Two ... Three'...

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting on the dock, fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.
His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
Dave replied, last night I came home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise".
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want".

SO I DID AND HERE I AM!

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

A notable gynecologist once said:
"The best engine in the world is the Vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.


It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking tempermental..!"

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'


6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'


7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'


8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'


9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'


10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'


11. Its not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REARCLEAVAGE'

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a
foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee..
The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady
is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she
goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it
another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says
apologetically, "I guess all those f - - king lessons I
took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds,

"Well, there you have it, you
should have taken golf lessons instead!"

They never had a chance to duck
..

1.. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy Crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "no just taking a Shit".

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me.

3. My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."

4. I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and She told me, "because I am trying to examine you."

5. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"