A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these
implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I
pulled the trigger.

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!!!!!!!

(Ahhhhh...the joys of having girls)

A mother taught her daughter to read when she was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, the daughter was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.

She read the box in the cabinet.

She then asked her mother why she was keeping ''napkins' in the bathroom.

Didn't they belong in the kitchen?
Not wanting to burden her with unnecessary facts, she told her daughter that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).


Now fast forward a few months....


It's Thanksgiving Day, and the parents are leaving to pick up the uncle and his wife.

The kids were all given assignments while they were gone. Ther daughter's was to set the table.

When they returned, the uncle came in first and immediately burst into laugher.
Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.
Next came the father, who roared with laughter.

Then came the Mom, who almost died of embarrassment
when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top.
The daughter had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

The mother asked the daughter why she used these and, of course, her response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

'But, Mom, she said they were for special occasions!!!'

Life is too short for drama & petty things,

so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly...

and for heavens sake,

use the good napkins whenever you can!

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him:

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said: "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

A plane crash occurred yesterday or the day before on the south side of Ishpeming, Michigan in the Upper Peninsula.

The news media labeled it as " Northern Michigan's Worst Air Disaster."


The local news media is reporting:


"Northern Michigan's worst air disaster occurred today when a Cessna 152, a small 2 seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian Lutheran Church cemetery here early this morning.

"Ole and Sven, working as a search and rescue team, have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening."

P.S. I know a few of you (Blondes) will have to read this a few times before you get it, but it's worth the reading.