1. I'll swallow it all, I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too!
14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again. Come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16. No, no....I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor. Forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and go buy new clubs.
19. I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys....it's a great stress reliever.
20. Oh come on....what do you say we get a good porno move, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome?
21. Oh come on! Not the damned mall again. Let's go to that new strip club!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8?
23. You need your sleep ya big silly. Now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. God, if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head just for you!

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought....... But you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought........ But you are wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... But I was wrong!"

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when
the newscaster says
"Brazilian men die in a skydiving
accident"

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing
"That's horrible!!! So many men dying that
way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they
were skydiving, and there is always that risk
involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says...

"How many is a Brazilian?"

Teacher asks girl, "What comes after 69?"
Girl replies, "You rinse out your mouth and wash off your face!"

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin.
I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully
recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart. Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus

Everybody is throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ............





You're listening to your IPod !

This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true.

This fellow was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, a car came toward him and stopped. Without thinking, he got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!
The car started to move very slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.
The fellow, now paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, he managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car.
Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet; exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken man, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech.
Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.
Everyone listened in silence and became frightened, hairs standing on end when they realized the fellow was telling the truth.
About an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, 'Lard Thundern Jasus, me son, there's the arsehole who got in the car while we was pushing it!'

I'm soooooooo pissed off.......
I had two Toronto Maple Leafs tickets sitting in plain view
on my car dashboard.
Some bastard broke my window and left two more.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to
share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later..... she
became his stepmother.

I guess some women are better at financial planning than men.

Saturday morning I got up early - it was still dark - , quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I put my golf clubs in the trunk of the car and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.





I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that?'




And then the fight started...


-------------------------------------------------


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'



I said, Dust.'



And then the fight started...




------------------- ------------------------------


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'


I bought her a scale.



And then the fight started...


-------------------------------------------------




I got home last night; my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.




And then the fight started...




-------------------------------------------------



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


And then the fight started...




-------------------------------------------------



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.



My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'



Yes, I sighed, she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'



'My Gosh!' says my wife, Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'



And then the fight started...




-------------------------------------------------



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first.



"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."



He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"



Nah, she can order for herself."



And then the fight started...




-------------------------------------------------



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, I feel horrible, I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'



The husband replies, Your eyesight's just about perfect.'

=0 A


And then the fight started...


-------------------------------------------------



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. She said no. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. She said she'd look pretty after using the cold cream. I told her that's what the beer was for.



And then the fight started...




-------------------------------------------------


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.


And then the fight started...