I can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States .
On one side, you have a woman who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a lawyer who is married to a woman who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.
What are you lads thinking ?'

Bet you didn't know this:

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer,wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a very surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. 'The curlers are on me.'

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold
the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:



'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?

A: Puppies grow up.



Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?

A: Because they are...




Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?

A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.


Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit
The ground first?

A: Who cares?????.. ...


Q: What did God say after he created man?

A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!




Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?

A: I don't know, I've never seen either.


Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

A: i) no mind ii) no business


Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?

A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...



Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
Intention of driving.


Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?

A: Exchange him!!



Q: Why do men like smart women?

A: Opposites attract.

Three women: one engaged, one a mistress, and one married, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .



After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."



The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."



The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know", he said, "but the fucking darts team hasn't"!

Three blonde's died and found themselves standing before St.Peter.



He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.



The first blonde, an American, said 'Easter is a holiday where they have a Big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.'

St. Peter said, 'Noooooo,' and he banished her to Hell.



The second blonde, a Brit, said 'Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts.' St. Peter said, 'Noooooo,' and he banished her to Hell.



The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, 'So, tell me.

She said, 'Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish Festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was Betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on The cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder... '



St. Peter said, 'Verrrrrry good.'



Then the blonde continued, 'Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey.'



St. Peter fainted

A man's in bed with his girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather simply enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.