While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side." The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face. "Wow," exclaims the man, "that is great!" He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, "Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?" The barber says, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.

Shamus went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.
Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.
I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it.
Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."... click to read more/>
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.....she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

Lost at Sea Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a genie appeared. Now, this particular genie stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!' '

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly gate.
St. Peter said, 'I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?'
The first priest says, 'I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.'
'So be it,' says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, 'Will any of this week 'count,' St. Peter?'
'No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.'
'In that case,' says the second priest, 'I've always wanted to be a stud.'
So be it' says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
'Will you have any trouble locating them?' He asks. The first one should be easy,' said St. Peter. 'He's somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult.'
Why?' asked the Lord.

'He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Vermont....

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny, yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for love to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.'
'I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female...

A woman had tickets to game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals right at center ice. As she sits down, a man comes down & asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.

"No," she says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

She says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?"

The woman shakes her head "No. They're all at the funeral."

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There's a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

A good friend sent me this one and it reminded me of someone on here......you know who you are......

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller
and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!

When about half the stuff in your shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'