A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.

The guy, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will never run out."

*Poof*

A bottle appears in front of the guy. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The guy being very content starts walking away.

"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two wishes left!"

"Well," replies the guy, "Give me TWO more of these!"

Know how to prevent sagging?



Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

1. Put on your glasses.
Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people."

"Have you ever noticed Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron."

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

"Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents."

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.""I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His Mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'


He says, 'Last night Fred came to my room for some Vaseline, and I think maybe I gave him my airplane glue by mistake!

She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde ...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were
candidates for his headquarters staff. The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered, "Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The General was displeased with his
lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even
better. The General then asked him the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" He replied sheepishly, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw him out also.

The third interview was an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same final question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses."
The General was very impressed and thought, "What an incredibly
observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears." He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?" "Well, sir," the soldier replied, "it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fuckin' ears."