A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.
They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair
of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

"DAMN IT this one is barefoot too!!

A son asks his father. "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thought for a while and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"
The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."
Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.
The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."
"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"
The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place............
The grass is almost a foot high."

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."
We haven't used Sears repair since.


My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.


I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer

This happened at a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.

"Adam."

"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.

"Where did Adam and Eve live?"

"Eden."

That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.

"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"

"Mmm, that IS a hard one."

"Enter."

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

A priest conducts a service in a church. "The person who puts the most in the church collection box can choose three hymns," he says. The collection box comes back to him after being filled up, and he finds that someone has donated a thousand pounds. "Who has donated a thousand pounds?" he asks. A women raises her hand. The priest invites her to the front and tells her to choose three hymns. Pointing at the three most handsome men in the church, she says "I'll have him, him and him"