Well, I was loafin' around the salad bar at the burger stand one chili day on Coney Island, when I Frito-Lay'd my eyes on the sweetest little tomato I'd ever seen. Let's just say I could tell she wasn't gonna be ice-cold or taste like some of those cheaper spreads I'd eaten.
So I mustard up my courage and I whispered, "Hey, Mama Bird! You got a sweet set of sesame-seed buns, and I'd live to bury my open-face in your McMuffin snack pack. And maybe later I could drive-in my Jumbo Jack in your Box. So, what's your name, anyway?"
"Wendy," she replied, and said that her buns were always hot and
fresh. Well, it seemed like an invitation to me, so I unzipped my French-fly, pulled down my hash-browns and whipped out my
Quarter-Pounder.
She took one look at my foot-long Weinerschnitzel and said, "Holy enchirito, what a Whopper! I haven't seen a sausage and a pair of McNuggets like that since I was in the sack with Long John Silver over at the Colonel's place, and I probably won't see another 'til Foster freezes over. And believe me, I relish the thought of squeezin' the mayonnaise right outta that big Sloppy Joe of yours."
I said, "Look, honey...those meatheads are just horseradish. I'm the supreme Burger King around here. And by the way, aren't you hungry?"
"Yeah," she shot back, "I haven't even had my breakfast, Jack." It wasn't long before she was munching on my Big Mac and eventually took down the whole enchilada. I could tell I wouldn't be able to hold the pickles or hold the lettuce much longer, so I just blew a whole gallon of my lo-cal secret sauce to go. She took a big gulp and giggled,
"Oooh, that's fast food. A bit salty, but quality you can taste...and finger lickin' good, too!"
She said, "So what's yer name, hot dog? Orange you Julius?"
"No," I replied, but you can call me Pizza Man, 'cause I deliver!"
Well anyway, I turned her around, tore off her wrapper, and wedged my Big Boy between her patties and right up into her hot cherry bendover. She screamed, "I FOUND THE BEEF, I FOUND THE BEEF!" which just gave me the urge to keep pounding my SuperBurrito in and out...in and out...and in and out...and in and out of her hot little micro.
Well, we were still playing Pup 'n' Taco , when she confessed her real name wasn't Wendy...but Ronald.
Hey, it wasn't my bag, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about taking her over to see Dr. Pepper to have him pull a Carl's Jr. out of her oven.
Yeah, little did I know that I had spend the night not with a saucy little fish filet, but with a flaming Dairy Queen!

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten," said Buffy.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass in line anymore."

"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."

"Well excuse me, but this fucking' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my fucking language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.

"Well then let's get the fucking' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says,

"This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."

The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fucking' check for 15 million dollars."

The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fucking' bitch won't help you?"

One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard!!!! After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water.
A guy in a car came up to him and said. "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" But the preacher just replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!" and drove away.
The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!!" and rowed away in the orange raft.
The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!" Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." With that the man said "Whatever!" and jetted away in the power boat.
The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!" The man still just stood there and replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that the man said "Whatever" and flew away.
The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked
"God! Why didn't you save me from that horrible flood?!?" God then replied, " I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a helicopter!!!

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window."

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak....
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok,
the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot,the bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis.
I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."
'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the man replied 'Is your brother a plastic surgeon?'
'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.

'He's a flute player in the local symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye'...