Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush it, don't flush it!"

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes

One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?" "Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a fuck, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."

If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich....

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?It''s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You''re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?""We''re taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!""TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That''s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they''re always late.So, where are you staying in Rome?""We''ll be at the downtown International Marriott.""That dump! That''s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they''re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?""We''re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.""That''s rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He''ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You''re going to need it."A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome."It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA''s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.And the hotel-it was great! They''d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it''s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!""Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn''t get to see the pope.""Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally me et some of the visitors, and if I''d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.""Really?" asked the Barber. "What''d he say?"He said, "Where''d you get the lousy haircut?

A man walks into a bar for a pub lunch. As he's drinking his pint, waiting for his food a young gentlemen walks in and sits with him. After ordering a drink, they begin to talk. Mid-conversation the man hears a beeping sound. The man, confused, asks where the sound is coming from.

The gentlemen, smiling, pulls up the sleeve of his shirt and shows a small screen in his arm, saying, "OH, I went to Japan earlier this year and got a pager fitted into my arm."

As they resume talking, a second man walks into the bar, and after ordering a drink, joins in the conversation. After a few minutes, teh first man notices a ringing noise. "Can you hear that?"

The new gentlemen opens his palm, and then proceeds to talk into his thumb. The first man, very confused, asks what he is doing.

The new guy says, "Oh, i went to Japan a few months ago and got a phone fitted into my hand. Sweet aint it!"

At this point, the first gentlemen felt a little left out, and excused himself to the bathroom. After about an hour, the other too began to worry. They decided to wander into the toilets and check-up on him.

On entering the toilets, they saw him naked, hand up against the wall, with toilet paper sticking out his ass. The man turns around and says "Hey, I'll be one sec. Im just recieveing a fax!"

A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five." He says, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife." The clerk says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says, "No, I only call her that in public." The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?" He says, "Lard ass."

I went to the movies the other night and sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me. Sorry! Oops. Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me."
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."