A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

A man goes to confession at a Catholic church.
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have
had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven; go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. Ihave had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!
Her dress is green and very short, with matching,
shiny emerald, green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies,
"No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.

So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman.

He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do."

The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to Fuck me."

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!" The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistant. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year.

When after several people visit your office, you think.........if assholes could fly..this place would be a fucking airport!!!!!

A Blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours. Suddenly the Blonde jumps up out of bed and says, I've had enough of this,' and she goes downstairs.


The Blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, 'The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?'

The Blonde says, 'I've put the dog in our yard. ......... Now, let's see how they like it!'

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark field.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

1: - I can't reach my licence unless you hold my beer.

2: - Sorry, Officer, I didn't realise my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3: - Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4: - Hey, you must've been doin' about 225 Kph to keep up with me. Good job!

5: - Are You Andy or Barney?

6: - I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7: - You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8: - I pay your salary!

9: - Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10: - Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11: - I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12: - When the Officer says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"