. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get.

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient, "one of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But ... how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening?"

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmmm, I don't know, it must be the dye in these cheap jeans?"

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a United States Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed.
When they get into bed,they start exploring each other's bodies.Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".She slides her hands further down and gasps."
Oh my goodness.
What's them?"
she asks."
Honey, them's my knots", he answers.Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes,the bride says, "Stop honey.
Wait a minute".Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey?
Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies.
"Just undo them damn knots.I need more rope!"

I went into a gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas ...

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

A man walks in a Bank gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun ... and robs the Bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses ... he turns around and asks the next customer in line:
Did you see me Rob this Bank? The customer replies ...YES!
The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!... SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man ... DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????

The man calmly responds ... No ... But My Wife Did!

A guy comes home after getting a tattoo on his dick, The words "I Love you", Told his wife, she was like there ya go putting words in my mouth again!

Four Blondes at a four way stop.

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked,lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed." For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole."