I rear-ended a car this morning. So we're off to the side of the road and the driver slowly gets out of his car.
You know how sometimes you're just so stressed that life's
Problems become funny?
Well, wouldn't you know . . . this guy's a dwarf.
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!'
So I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

.... and that's when the fight started.

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO'."

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sund ay, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... And I couldn't shut up. "

Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of 'Who wants To Be A
Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000.
You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, butfor 1 Million dollars, you've only got one lifeline left, phone-a-friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?
a)Robin
b)Sparrow
c)Cuckoo
d)Thrush

'I hasn't got a clue,' said Mick, 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye-Chance.'
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 'Fawkin Ell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's just simple
logic....it's a Cuckoo.' 'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked
Mick. 'I'm fawkin sure' replied Paddy.
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo as me answer.'Is that your final answer?' asked the host. 'Dat it is Sir.'
There was a long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean you know fawk-all about birds.' 'Fer fawks sake!' laughed Paddy.'Lord tunderin Jaezuz...everybody knows a fawking
cuckoo lives in a clock!'

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief , they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her ..

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

A rugby fan is drinking in a Lancashire bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Lancashire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Lancashire... like I said, my boy's a
typical Lancashire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby union player.'

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Lancashire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?

Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'
The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Lancastrian takes a slow swig of his John Willie Lees’s,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,


"Had him circumcised"

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? .......

Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

A Captain in the French Foreign Legion was transferred to a new desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens' barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir the fort is a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about six months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "Bring me the camel!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You know what 4-H is....heck, you used to be a member.
3. You ever went to parties in a pasture, a barn, a gravel pit, or at the end of a dirt road.
4. You used to "drag" on Main Street.
5. You said the 'F' word and your parents knew within the hour.
6. You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't - same goes with the game warden.
7. You ever went cow-tipping or gopher hunting.
8. School was closed on Farmer's Day.
9. You could never buy cigarettes or liquor because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow).
10. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy you cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them....same thing for the liquor.
11. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
12. You had "Grade 12 Skip Day".
13. The whole school went to the same party after graduation, along with half the town residents under 30.
14. The local golf course has only 9 holes.
15. You can't help but date a friend's ex.
16. You think that kids who ride skateboards were weird.
17. You consider the town next to yours "trashy" or "snooty", but it is actually just like your town.
18. Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
19. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people".
20. The people in the "big" city dress funny, but you and your friends pick up on the trend two years later.
21. You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.
22. Anyone you want can be found at either the coffee shop or the feed store.
23. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town and another of your friends drove a grain truck to school occasionally.
24. Coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
25. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
26. The city council meets at the coffee shop.
27. You wore your high school jacket after your 19th birthday.
28. Weekend excitement involves a trip to the grocery store.
29. Even the ugly and untalented people enter beauty and talent contests.
30. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
31. Your teachers called you by your older siblings names.
32. Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
33. Your kids' teachers tell them they remember teaching you.
34. The closest mall is over an hour away.
35. It is normal to see an old man driving through town on a riding lawn mower.
36. You laugh your ass off reading this because you know it's all true!