she arrived at the church.........
walked down the aisle.........
kissed him on the cheek..........




then slammed the fucking lid on him......

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

A little girl asked her mother: How did the human race appear?

The mother answered: God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.

Two days later she asks her father the same question.

The father answered: Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed.

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: Mom', how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys.

The mother answers: Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side..

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

This old man and old woman (husband and wife) die and go to heaven. There, St. Peter gives them the grand tour of their new home.

It's a HUGE mansion with a limo driver, gardner, etc. The old man exclaims "That's ours?" St. Peter says "Yes, it is yours, forever and ever." The old man is a little suspicious and says "How much is the rent?" St. Peter says "It is free. After all, this is heaven."

Across the street is an expansive golf course with beautifully manicured lawn, interesting layout, and fun golfcarts. St. Peter says "You can play here whenever you want." The old man says "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replies "None. After all, this is heaven." The old man is very impressed.

They go inside the house and on the dining room table is a gigantic feast with roasted meats, desserts, fine wine and all the fixings. The old man says "How many calories?" St. Peter says "None. After all, this is heaven."

The old man gets a look on his face like he is suddenly understanding what heaven is all about.

Then the old man suddenly turns and slaps the old woman silly, yelling "You stupid witch! If it weren't for your damn bran muffins and tofu and other health food, not to mention making me give up booze and cigarettes and take exercise every day, we could have been here YEARS ago!"

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.



Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off !

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

Joseph, an Irishman planning a trip to Spain for Saint Patrick’s Day, decides to enroll at a language college to learn Spanish. But he doesn’t get round to it until the night before he departs.

The professor in charge tells him there is no way he can learn Spanish in one evening, but if he just speaks v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y the Spanish will understand him just fine.

So next morning, Joseph happily departs on his once-in-a-lifetime Spanish St Patricks Day experience.

On the morning of Saint Patrick’s Day itself, with the Mediterranean sun shining brightly in a clear blue sky, he wanders into the nearest bodega and, remembering the professor’s words, says ever so carefully, "O-n-e b-e-e-r, p-l-e-a-s-e."

The barman looks up, smiles cheerfully to signify he understands, replies just as slowly, "C-e-r-t-a-i-n-l-y", and gives him the beer. Making friendly conversation, he continues, "a-n-d w-h-e-r-e d-o y-o-u c-o-m-e f-r-o-m ?"

I’-m f-r-o-m I-r-e-l-a-n-d", Joseph replies.

"A-m-a-z-i-n-g ! S-o a-m I. W-h-e-r-e-a-b-o-u-t-s i-n I-r-e-l-a-n-d ?" asks the barman

"I h-a-v-e l-i-v-e-d a-l-l m-y l-i-f-e u-n-t-i-l y-e-s-t-e-r-d-a-y i-n a l-i-t-t-l-e t-o-w-n c-a-l-l-e-d S-k-i-b-b-a-r-e-e-n. "

"I-n-c-r-e-d-i-b-l-e. I’-m f-r-o-m S-k-i-b-b-a-r-e-e-n t-o-o !" answers the barman.

"W-e-l-l, i-f w-e’-r-e b-o-t-h f-r-o-m S-k-i-b-b-a-r-r-e-e-n", says Joseph, "w-h-y i-n t-h-e h-e-l-l a-r-e w-e t-a-l-k-i-n-g t-o e-a-c-h o-t-h-e-r i-n S-p-a-n-i-s-h ?"

A cowboy has spent days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old
briefcase. He opens it, and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie..."You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.""What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke,
what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
The cowboy finds himself showered in rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.