Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK, because he loved her soooo much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity from birth. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope that you can deal with that - once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized penis.'
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants - she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
'You told me that your penis was the size of an infant!', she said.
'Yes it is... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 19 inches long!'

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.
He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.
The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was
gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!!"

Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow...

You got to love this guy. This is a story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks
earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a Master Card "priceless" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

A farmer finds his son behind the barn pulling his pud, and the old man exclaims, "Son, if you are old enough to do that, then you are old enough to get married."
The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow and arranges a wedding between his boy and the neighbor's daughter. The two are soon married and move in with the groom's father.
The next morning, the farmer goes behind the barn again and discovers his son flailing away, just as before. "Son, I got you married so you wouldn't have to do that!"

"Ah, pa, she ain't got no grip at all..."

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Paddy and Connor are walking home after a night drinking. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.

Paddy has a brainwave and says to Connor, "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".

Connor duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the heck he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Connor running from bus to bus to bus looking very worried.

"What the heck are you doing Connor ?" he shouts. Connor replies "I can't find a number 27 anywhere, Paddy !"

Paddy screams back, "You idiot, steal that number 42 over there and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way"