10
Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9
The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white
8
Crying can be fun.
7
FAT CLOTHES.
6
A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5
Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a
peak life experience.
4 The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3 A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to
impossible.
2 Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

1 AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
OTHER WOMEN!

Retirement ?Planning???

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
?
With Enron, you would have$16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
?
With WorldCom, you would have?less than $5.00 left.
?
If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have $49.00 left.
?
But, if?you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine?one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminium and glass recycling REFUND, you would have? $214.00.
?
Based on the above, the best current?investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the death
of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old.
Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately
8:42PM last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and
going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and
relatives, was alone at the time of his death.
An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical
Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was
acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone had put Mr.Bunny's batteries in backwards,
and he kept coming, and coming and coming.....

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.
"A man and a woman making love in a boat."
He holds up the third picture.
"A man and a woman making love at the beach."
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.
At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."
And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."

Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."
"Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back."
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out

A man and his son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!

A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors.
"But dad, how will I know?"
"Trust me son, you will know.
After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand.
"Well son,how did it go?"
"Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard."
"But how could you tell he was gay?"

"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling

"throw me a bouy" throww me a bouy"!!!

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?