A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love ... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love."

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"
The lawyer says "Fuck the Boy Scouts!"
The priest says, "Do we have time?"

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: - $1.50.
Chicken Sandwich: - $2.50.
Hand Job: - $10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

When johnny learned how to research things he accidently typed playboy
then it show all this mom and dad fucking each other then he saw his parents in the picture.

Johnny print the picture and went to school. All the kids paied for thoes pictures for $5.00 then he went home and went to his parents room.

Johnny yelled" hey mom, hey dad i’m rich i got $500 in my pocket"
His dad said" wow son i never knew that you had a talent"
Johnny said" yea i thought so too but i do have a talent"
His mom said" how did u get that money anyway?"
Johnny said" by selling pictures of you guys fucking each other"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way....
So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional
miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn't show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger!
Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"
Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury