LOVE: When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST: When intercourse is called "fucking."
MARRIAGE: When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvani

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas .
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.
Suddenly, a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding. My name is Wayne, and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that this is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Wayne
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club lengthwise

During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Ivonne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Ivonne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, was carefully stepping over her.

Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time, boys..... ....one at a time."

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me fuck you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me fuck you for a million dollars?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me fuck you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"


The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"


The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she beigns to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His pardner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver", but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

After having their 11th child, a Polish couple decided that was enough as They could not afford a larger bed..!! So the husband went to his doctor And told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The Doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix The problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, Get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
Ear and count to 10.

The Man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world,But I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is Going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a firework and put it in a beer can. He held the Can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
Paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting On his other hand.

This procedure also works in all parts of the world