do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister,if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father said to him,"I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up,study your bible a little,and get your hair cut,then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son,I'm real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up,you've studied your bible diligently,but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that.
You know Samson had long hair,Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied,
"Yes son,and they walked everywhere they went!"

Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Two aliens landed in America near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and
the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien
became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if i were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying,
"You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him
mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon
at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away into a Tim Hortons
parking lot.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained
consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.
"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his
crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels,
You don't want to mess with a Man who can wrap his penis
around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

"Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian" .

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservations,
smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S.
Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed
the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done. The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong? The Chief
stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found this land, Indians were running it." "No taxes." "No debt." "Plenty buffalo." "Plenty beaver." "Women did all the work." "Medicine man free." "Indian man spent all day hunting andfishing." "All night making love." Then Chief leaned back and smiled,
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said,
"Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."
The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get
so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Walmart "associate" standing there
with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir...
can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind,
but if you drop it on the counter I can
tell you everything you need to know about it
from the sound it makes."
She didn't believe him,
but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot graphite rod
with Zebco 202 reel and 10-pound test line...
It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I think it's just what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register.
In the meantime the woman passes gas.
At first she is embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way
he could tell it was her, being blind,
he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says,
"That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00,
the duck call is $3.00 and the catfish bait is $2.50

Beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder!

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.