Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The
final test was for them
to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a
garden. While a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before
them.


>Each priest had a small bell attached to his
weenie and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in
front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual
purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first
candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same
response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor
Carlos.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly
that it flew off,
clattering across the ground and laid to rest in
nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where
the bell came to rest
and bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells
started to ring .

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hellhave you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain;
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at homeand blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a
favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have
anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your
waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!" *

On the night before his honeymoon, a young husband to be,
who is a member of the PQ (parti Quebecois) was listening to his
father's last advice, who is also a PQ (parti Quebecois fan).
My son, when you walk into your bedroom, you pick up your
wife in your arms, because a Quebecer is strong ! And you throw her
on the bed because a Quebecer is proud !
And then, you take your clothes off because a Quebecer is
handsome!"
The next day, the father asked his son how everything went.
So the son, tells his father:
"I done as you told me dad,
I picked her up in my arms to take her to the bedroom,
because a Quebecer is strong!
And then I throw her on the bed, because a Quebecer, is proud ! Then, I took off my clothes, because a Quebecer, is handsome !
"and then" -asked the father-

Then I masturbated, because a Quebecer is INDEPENDENT !

The 1st kind of sex is called:
Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone
and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called:
Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even
in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called:
Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time.
Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called:
Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long.
When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".
The 5th kind of sex is called:
Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.
She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called
Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night.
OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex -
Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month.
But not enough to live on!

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood.
On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on hisgrill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.
This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John,he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take itanymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.
They took him to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him and said,"You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

A woman who just turned 50 is at home, naked, happily jumping on her bed, and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 50-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up!" she replied.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the Best Toast of the Night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night". She said, "Aye, did ye now.

And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

In Quebec, the French do not pronounce the letter "H". For example Hot Dog is pronounced Ot Dog and Hudson Hardware is pronounced Udson Ardware. This explanation is for non-Canadians.
One day in a French Immersion Class for 1st graders, the teacher was asking her class to describe the use of Ozonol. Little Mary got up and explained that she had fallen while roller skating and scratched her knee. She went home and her Mother cleaned the cut and put a bandage with Ozonol on her knee and it was all better. The teacher was so proud and then asked other children if they had any explanation of the word.
Little Pierre raised his hand and started to explain. "Well Teacher, da udder nite, me an my fodder are watching da Montreeal and Tampa Ockey Game. An den my mudder start to do da vaccum. Den, my fodder, yell at my mudder, ai, ai, ai, ai, Tabarnack Louise, put dat dam ting away now or I'll stick it up your arse, Ose an all."

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a
deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle...a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to thelonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze...perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"