TopCat's Blog - page 248

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off. Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night,while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on. She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a
real penis. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
>bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES... $150.00."
A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over. He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken to jail.
Just then, another car passed by with a sign which read, "JESUS SAVES."
The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other car drive by without pulling them over.
"Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion."
The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they removed the sign and drove away.
The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them over once again.
As he approached the car, though, he noticed a new sign which now read, "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $150.00."

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won!

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,

"What?"

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady! "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me, the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house; I want a divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."
"Hmmmmmm, I don't know... Well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig!" The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this
young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well-dressed, and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary, the one you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas, the one you refuse to wear just to bother my sister; and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair." The husband continues his story . . . "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door, at which point she turned around, and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

I met an older woman at a club last night. She was a at least 60 but she looked good and had a real personality. We drank a bit too much, and as the night came to a close she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3-some?
I said no but it would be interesting. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my luck night. I went back to her place and as we entered the apartment, she put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost".

A girl from Georgia and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane.
The girl from Georgia, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Georgia sat quietly for a few moments and then in her Sweetest Southern Accent replied:
"So, where ya from, bitch?"

Lesson One!

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day he reached the second branch and, finally, after a fourth
night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid
there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson :
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the three minute management course.