TopCat's Blog - page 249

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"
The guy replies "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.
The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

without it ...it would just be a breast with no point!

John, died. His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure John, would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone?

My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school Playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big Kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy Take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.....

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the Rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to Tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her Shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bil used to do When Daddy was in the Army. Mommy fainted!...'

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: > > Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely!
Healthy Sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something To keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking
around for Something special to please his wife,and started talking to the old Man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,'Well, We have vibrating dildos,
special attachments, and so on,but I Don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks,Except---' and he stopped.

'Except what?' the man asked.
'Nothing, nothing.'
'C'mon, tell me! I need something!'
'Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is'The Vodoo Penis.'
'So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?' he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old Wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images.
He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking! Dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said, 'Big damn deal.
It looks like every other dildo in this shop!'
The old man replied, 'But you haven't seen what it'll do yet.'
He pointed to a door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, the door.' The
Voodoo Penis miraculusly rose out of its box, darted over to the door,and Started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the Vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said
'Voodoo Penis, return to box!
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box And lay there quiet once more.
'I'll take it!' said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and That to use it, all she had to do was say 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' After he'd been gone a few days, the
wife was unbearably horny and Remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said Voodoo Penis, my! Crotch!' The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and Started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, Like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three mind-shattering orgasms she became very exhausted
and Decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck In her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing Worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive,quivering With every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense Orgasm made her swerve all over the
road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained,'I haven't had anything to
Drink, officer! You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis Thing stuck in my crotch and it wont stop screwing me!'
The officer lo oked at her for a second,
Shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied,
'Yeah, right...
'Voodoo Penis, my ass.'

The rest is history.

Two guys were sitting around talking one afternoon over a
cold beer.After a while the first guy says to the second, "If
I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife
while you was off huntin', and she got
pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute,
scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.Finally, he says, "Well,
I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

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