A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the redhead
"In what position was the baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The brunette was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl." said the doctor.

With this, the blonde burst into tears.

"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.

"Am I going to have puppies ?"

A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts.

"Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?"

"That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them."

"No, stupid! It came out of my Asshole!"

A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" the woman asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" she then asked her husband.

"Uh...no, I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way"...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary .. The little boy (who had been looking out his window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant the same question.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because WestJet always pulls out on time. Have your mom explain that to
you."

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

"Oh, no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

The orgasm has 4 stages:
1. Asthmatic (ahh, ahh, ahh)
2. Mathematics (more, more, ohh baby more)
3. Religious (OMG!)
4. Criminal (If you pull it out or stop licking I'll
fucking kill you!)

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."

The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?'

The drunk replies, "No, you go fucking nuts when you drink."